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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re: 'Are we having dinner tonight?'

36 replies

whatever22 · 20/12/2015 18:05

'D'p and I were supposed to be sorting out an important thing together this afternoon. He wanted to go for a bike ride as well today, so went in the morning, but then came back late, then had to clean his bike, shower, have a cup of tea etc, and it was basically gone 4pm before we even started.

Then we worked on it for an hour, at which point he looks up and says 'Are we having dinner tonight?'

I do all the cooking (by agreement, he does laundry and washing up), so this was apparently his way of indicating he wanted me to go cook for him.

Aibu to find this an incredibly irritating and passive aggressive way to talk to me?

I replied 'yes I imagine we are' and walked out the room because it was that or throw something at him.

So am I being a grumpy ass (in which case I should probably go apologise and make him dinner) or is he (in which case I shall let him fend for himself!)

OP posts:
StandoutMop · 20/12/2015 18:10

DH has the same way of phrasing a question eg "Have we sent the Christmas cards yet?", when he wants to ask if I've done something without looking like he is expecting me to do it.

YANBU - even if dinner is your job, there are better ways to ask about it.

Artandco · 20/12/2015 18:12

I would just say ' what do you have planned'

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2015 18:13

Aibu to find this an incredibly irritating and passive aggressive way to talk to me? YANBU.

DH sometimes pulls the "have we done X?" thing. I reply, "I don't know, have we?". That normally knocks it on the head.

Couldn't you just say, "what do you mean?"?

DontCallMeBaby · 20/12/2015 18:16

It pisses me off when DH does that, and that's when I'm sitting on my arse doing nothing, wilfully ignoring the fact that dinner time is fast approaching. If he did it when we were in the middle of doing something else I think a silent gift of a Dominos leaflet would follow.

CatMilkMan · 20/12/2015 18:18

DP says the exact same to me it's just her way of saying she's hungry and am I cooking anything. I don't find it passive aggressive but if it annoys you tell him.

SummerNights1986 · 20/12/2015 18:24

I don't know - I don't think it's bad at all really, depending on how it's said.

Both dh and I use the 'have we' or 'Are we' line. But with us it doesn't mean that the person asking is passively aggressively making sure the other knows their expectations Hmm . It's just a turn of phrase.

Dh might ask 'Have we paid the kids school dinners this week yet?' or 'Have we signed that form and sent it back?'. Literally, yes, he means 'Have you'...but he asks because he's just thought of it and if the answer's no he'll go off and sort it out himself whilst it's in his head. I do the same to him.

ConfusedNoMore · 20/12/2015 18:25

Hmmm. Yes annoying. Xhtb regularly used to ask "have I got sandwiches?" Meaning had I made him a packed lunch. I won't bother giving the reasons this was so utterly unreasonable but horrible way to presume/ask/make partner feel crap.

SummerNights1986 · 20/12/2015 18:27

Actually I think YABU op.

'Are we having dinner tonight?'

I do all the cooking (by agreement, he does laundry and washing up), so this was apparently his way of indicating he wanted me to go cook for him

If the cooking is your job, by agreement - and it gets to X time and nothings on - then why wouldn't he ask?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/12/2015 18:30

'Are you cooking tonight or shall we get a takeaway?'

That would be a better form of words. Better still: 'How about we finish this and then go out for dinner?'

SummerNights1986 · 20/12/2015 18:32

Gasp, made me think of this:

thefrugalwinesnob.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/DangerousSaferSafestUltraSafe1.jpg

SometimesItRains · 20/12/2015 18:32

He could have asked in a better way though - presumably you are having dinner tonight (unless y sometimes fast in an evening), in which case he knew the answer to his question and was actually saying 'get on and make the dinner'. That would annoy me. If he had just said 'shall we finish this in a bit as I think it's time to make dinner now' I wouldn't have been annoyed.

alltouchedout · 20/12/2015 18:36

YANBU. My husband asks me "what are we doing for dinner?" all the time and I hate it, because what he actually means is "I want you to sort out dinner". Sometimes I reply with "I don't know. What are we doing? " and he generally develops a face like a slapped arse and makes a huffy reply. Idiot.

nocoolnamesleft · 20/12/2015 18:38

I suppose the obvious (PA) reply would be "Depends how late it is by the time we finally get this finished"?

DinoSnores · 20/12/2015 18:39

My (normally fairly decent) FIL will say, rather than just ask or indeed just make a cup of tea, "Is that the kettle I hear boiling?"

My answer is always to feign ignorance, "No, I don't think so. It might have been a plane/car etc."

TheCarpenter · 20/12/2015 18:41

I like using we, but not like that.

'We need to do XYZ through the week' Is mine and DH's way of making sure both parties know what needs done and if it gets forgotten it's everyone's fault.

'Are we having dinner' Sounds like, why aren't you cooking already?

YANBU

Greengardenpixie · 20/12/2015 18:41

I would find it annoying.
Why didnt he say:
Are you hungry? Why don't we leave things right now, have some dinner and do some more later?
Thats what my dh would have said.

Snowglobe1 · 20/12/2015 18:42

I'd have said 'yes, but it'll be late because you were a selfish twat about the bike ride'. But then, my marriage is pretty shitty...wonder why?!

y0rkier0se · 20/12/2015 18:42

I sometimes do this at work. "Are we needing a carrier bag today?"Blush

Goingtobeawesome · 20/12/2015 18:42

It is only a reasonable question if quite often you do not have dinner.

AdoraBell · 20/12/2015 18:42

YANBU

I have been known to passive aggressively patiently explain to my DH that "we" means the person speaking plus at least one other and ask him if he really means "you".

And when he has done the "are we having dinner" thing I've replied along the lines of - if you like, what are making?

EponasWildDaughter · 20/12/2015 18:46

The DCs appear and say 'are we having dinner?'. They mean 'i want dinner'.

On the fence with this as you are designated 'cooker', and he is designated 'washer' - so the 'worth' of the job of cooking has already been acknowledged. He's just asking if you're going to cook in the same way you might ask if he's washed your jeans Grin

PennyHasNoSurname · 20/12/2015 18:47

Depends if he meant "are we having dinner tonight" sarcastically meaning "cook ffs"

Or "are we having dinner tonight?" - or are we getting a takeaway?

Id have replied "well I suppose I am peckish, I will probs just have some soup"

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 20/12/2015 18:47

Got to be better than Ive washed up for you ... cheers ...

KERALA1 · 20/12/2015 18:49

"What are we doing this weekend" aaaaaaarrrrgggh

laundryeverywhere · 20/12/2015 18:52

I think since you agreed to do all the cooking, and he has his own jobs you should have planned a meal. But if Dh getting back late threw out your plans you should have told him and said you will either have to stop helping with the thing to cook or eat later than normal.

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