Re: 'Are we having dinner tonight?'

[whatever22]

'D'p and I were supposed to be sorting out an important thing together this afternoon. He wanted to go for a bike ride as well today, so went in the morning, but then came back late, then had to clean his bike, shower, have a cup of tea etc, and it was basically gone 4pm before we even started.

Then we worked on it for an hour, at which point he looks up and says 'Are we having dinner tonight?'

I do all the cooking (by agreement, he does laundry and washing up), so this was apparently his way of indicating he wanted me to go cook for him.

Aibu to find this an incredibly irritating and passive aggressive way to talk to me?

I replied 'yes I imagine we are' and walked out the room because it was that or throw something at him.

So am I being a grumpy ass (in which case I should probably go apologise and make him dinner) or is he (in which case I shall let him fend for himself!)

It doesn't sound that bad to me but I guess it depends on the tone.

I cook all the meals & do all the shopping here too so it's a logical question.

Sometimes I might not have planned anything, in which case we might go out or might have a takeaway. If not, we might have a sandwich, or eggs or cheese on toast or similar (which DH would prepare).

I would've assumed dinner was early evening so it would've just been asking what I had planned or if we needed to find an alternative.

Oh god yes the ''i've x, y z for you''!

It's a total habit that needs breaking, that. I pulled DH up on it early on in our relationship and he was suitably ashamed. If he ever says it now it's for a joke. Like telling me he's bought me an ironing board cover for xmas.

OP, I find it rude as fuck and I always reply with "I don't know... [what action have you taken]?"

Asking "What are you making for dinner?" would be fine, but phrasing it as a 'we' question when he has no blooming intention of helping, is what annoys me.

I think what is irritating the OP is that when he was late finally sat down to do whatever they agreed and he is pushing her out to make tea as he is hungry as been out cycling all day. My response would be "Well I will sort that once this is done as its necessary and you were late back so we will just have to have a late tea"

He's just asking if you're going to cook in the same way you might ask if he's washed your jeans grin

I can't imagine saying the equivalent to him 'Are we having clean clothes?' Maybe I should start...

To answer other questions - We always have dinner(!), I plan food ahead (and write it on the fridge so I don't forget) so he knew what I was going to be cooking.

The 'we' for 'you' is annoying but I think if he had even said 'when are we cooking?' I wouldn't have reacted as strongly. Just the implication that I was neglecting my 'job'.

Anyway there seems to be a bit of a split on who's being unreasonable so I guess we probably both are. I've cooked him dinner and he is in fact sat working on the important thing now, which has helped the urge to throw things subside.

YANBU. But you do need to tell him, and sort it out. Personally I find it arrogant, petulant and childish.

Just the implication that I was neglecting my 'job'

If cooking is one of your designated jobs though then you were neglecting it if you'd not prepared anything!

A job of mine is to clean the bathroom. Only I do it, ever. If dh went in and the bathroom bin was overflowing and the toilet was filthy and there was toothpaste smeared all over the walls - i'd full expect him to be irritated. He may even say 'So..is the bathroom being cleaned this week...?'

Likewise, if I get home after a 10 hour shift and I have no dinner ready, and he's not planned anything or even thought about a takeaway, I may well say 'So are we eating tonight or...?' (as cooking is his job when i'm in work).

If anything, I personally see it as more of a gentle nudge rather than an outright 'aggressive' Where is my dinner or why haven't you cleaned the bathroom comment.

I've read the whole thread and just want to know what was the important thing you were both doing?
I'm v nosy

Me too !!!!

Oh god XH used to do the have "we" done this that and the other, I remember him once asking what's for dinner tonight and I paused and said I give up what is for dinner tonight ? He didn't laugh.