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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit pissed off with dh re Xmas spending

47 replies

Funnymousey · 15/12/2015 20:31

I may be called a miser for this but here goes! Dh and I have 2 DC and dh has 16 year old DD too. Middle child this year is getting a bike at great expense. We have limited means, so this is on the understanding that we won't be able to necessarily spend the same on each child. Sometimes one child will get more spent on them simply as its their turn to get a bike! I'm sure when ds needs a bike it will be the same so it all evens out.
I thought we had agreed a budget but dh has just spent same amount on eldest DD so now we have 2 kids having expensive presents and now one ds who has had much less spent on him. I know this might not make a lot of sense as I'm not great at explaining!
I'm just getting a little bit miffed about how much bloody money we are spending when we really can't afford it!

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 15/12/2015 20:34

Part of me. Thinks that if you have a limites buget a second hand bike should have been brought. Most are nearly new if not new.
Teens are more expensive.
Saying that you have failed to communicate, and set limits.

foxessoxes · 15/12/2015 20:41

How old is your DS? Does he have a similar number of presents. Unless he is a teen himself, thats what he will focus on. You could spend £20k on a 8 year old and give them one thing- but there would be WW3 if siblings had another say 5 things to open.

Original poster
Funnymousey · 15/12/2015 20:41

Im not sure about second hand bikes though as you never really know what you're going to end up with. It could be a false economy. At least with new one if its a piece of crap we can get a refund!

OP posts:
foxessoxes · 15/12/2015 20:42

Did you agree a budget for your other two? Say you said you would spend £50 on each, and your DH has spent £100 on your eldest- then HE should make up the difference

Original poster
Funnymousey · 15/12/2015 20:42

Well ds is the youngest and won't have any concept of cost but I think it's the principle of it really. I do think dh tries to over compensate for not being resident parent sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnymousey · 15/12/2015 20:45

But all our finances are joint so it doesn't really work like that. Also dss had loads of money from us on her birthday too which I was a bit uncomfortable with. I kind of wondered if that's what we do for her 16th then what the feck will we do for her 18th!!

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 15/12/2015 20:47

I think if he doesn't have any concept of cost because he's little you are being silly tbh. I never do a sane price thing for my two children they both get what they want/need. I've seen some people do the same number of parcels each as a way to keep things even. But you're being daft thinking you need to spend as much on a small child as a teenager in an attempt to be fair (or to curtail spending on a teenager to match that on a small child)

And second hand bikes are fine you can literally see what you are getting with a bike so I don't get your point about potentially being rubbish.

hesterton · 15/12/2015 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foxessoxes · 15/12/2015 20:47

Do you pay money into a joint account? Work out what extra he has spent, spend it on your DS, and reduce your contribution to the joint account by that much next month.

Sorted.

missingmumxox · 15/12/2015 20:51

we just go a 3 year old specialised for £25 spent £40 on a couple of bits that needed replacing, it is miles better than a Halfords bike.
On other years we have brought other second hand items and they have never noticed the lack of a box they are a couple of weeks off 11 so I think they would in the near future but so far so good.
I would unless the youngest is very little, try and spend roughly the same, sometimes you get a bargain and they are none the wiser...

Original poster
Funnymousey · 15/12/2015 20:55

Foxes I don't think I could do that! We literally have completely joint accounts, and it would be quite petty of me!
Dh bought a bike on eBay and it was a death trap! Gears all messed up and quite unsafe. I do take your point thought that if you see it in person you can check its OK before you buy. I guess it more convenient to buy new. It was only £100 but to me that's a lot!
I always feel a bit anxious about how much we spend. I know compared to most we don't spend much. It's the chipping into our limited savings that I can't bear. We're not in debt but have a crappy old car and loads of work to be done on house. I just feel hard up at the moment really.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/12/2015 20:58

If your youngest DC is too little to know or care that he has had less spent on him then everything is fine.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to spend the same on DSD as was spent on your eldest DC - within reason. I assume it's s normal child's bike - so £100 region maybe? That's really not an excessive amount to spend on a 16 year old's Christmas present. And you can't use the "can't afford it" argument I'm afraid - DSD will see that her sibling has a shiny new bike & she has a Satsuma and Kerplunk.

If the budget for all 3 DCs is a firm, fixed, £300 (for example) - then at least the ones old enough to know the cost of things should have similarly valued presents. If what DC3 wants happens to come to £50 then that's fine - but it should be an equal £125 for each of the older DCs.

No-one needs a bike! It you can't afford one, then unfortunately DC2 can't have one.

If it's a £300 bike, then you probably shouldn't have bought anything so expensive to start with!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/12/2015 21:00

x-posts - I see it wasn't a £300 bike Smile.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/12/2015 21:02

foxes - that is ridiculously petty. Please don't do that OP.

RJnomore1 · 15/12/2015 21:06

Ah I get you now.

It's not really about the kids having the same, it's about the extra money. Sorry the penny drops slowly at times.

Does he know how stressed you are?

HolgerDanske · 15/12/2015 21:06

If the little one is too young to know any better then it really isn't relevant for the time being. Teenagers are much more expensive to buy for, generally - that's just the way it is - and little ones are happy with presents regardless of expense.

Obviously in years to come it will matter more, but personally I'd cross that bridge when I got to it.

HolgerDanske · 15/12/2015 21:08

Oh ok, I see I kind of got the wrong end of the stick there...

I guess DH will have to be particularly careful with money in Jan/Feb since he decided to spend extra...

trashcanjunkie · 15/12/2015 21:15

My twins are getting bikes. They do need them santas as when they start secondary school, they'll either have to walk the three miles to school (and registration is at 8.20am, which means setting off in the pitch black at around 7.15am) plus three miles home in the afternoon, or I'll have to pay twenty quid a week in bloody bus fares, which I cannot afford. And it's the closest school, and no school bus available.

Original poster
Funnymousey · 15/12/2015 21:17

I think he does know that I'm a tight arse with money. He jokes that he can see me get tighter and tighter the nearer to Christmas we get! I was brought in a middle earning family with 3 siblings and my parents were never overly extravagant at Christmas. He comes from a working class background where his parents would have spent more than they could have afforded. He thinks its just what you do at Christmas. I just feel a bit uncomfortable with spending £150 per child. It seems too much to me.
I wouldn't dream of asking anyone in RL what they spend so I'm not sure if that's extravagant or not!

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/12/2015 21:31

That's bad that there's no school bus service available trashcan. I thought there had to be one if the nearest, or catchment, school was more than 2 miles away. It must be regional then Sad.

I change my sentence to "Most children don't need a bike!".

Wagglebees · 15/12/2015 21:45

What's a lot for some people won't be much for others. It depends on income, outgoings and personal preference.

Is this the first time you've disagreed on what to spend or does this happen every year?

poocatcherchampion · 15/12/2015 21:48

Santa's - the limit is 3 miles in secondary, 2 in primary. So it sounds like the family above are just out of luck. (It's not a new policy change)

HolgerDanske · 15/12/2015 21:56

It's not extravagant, I wouldn't say. Obviously it's different if you're spending money you should be keeping for food or rent in January, but no, I don't actually think that's a lot. And I think it's ok for him to treat his son(s) at Christmas. As long as the money isn't going to be sorely missed somewhere else, of course. I know you've said you've got other pressing concerns, but things needing doing in the house are not necessarily a priority over treating your loved ones, in my book.

PurpleTreeFrog · 15/12/2015 22:11

I don't think it's "extravagant". As someone already mentioned, for kids it's about quantity rather than value of presents sometimes. A bike is just one gift. Not only that, it's a "practical" gift rather than the latest gadget (like a Furby or a robot dog etc - good fun but the novelty wears off fast and doesn't help them get exercise like a bike does!).

If you compare a £100 bike to getting twenty £5 gifts (craft sets, cuddly toys, etc) it costs the same in total, but to the child this often seems more generous!

I dont think it's a big deal, try not to get too stressed, it's done now, just make sure next year you set out a clear budget together and maybe agree to make all gift decisions together unless it's cheap stocking fillers. We bought our child an £80 gift this year and I wouldn't have dreamt of purchasing it without checking with DH first, and we're not broke. Equally. Would not expect him to go out and buy a "big" gift for DS without asking me either, it's shared money, so we must make financial decisions together.

StatisticallyChallenged · 15/12/2015 23:06

"Dh bought a bike on eBay and it was a death trap!"

Yup, we bought a second hand bike, looked it over, gave it a test ride. Seemed ok. First time out discovered it had a mis-sized part which gave way mid ride leaving me with multiple fractures and a lengthy recovery. Personally I wouldn't buy another second hand bike unless I was taking it straight to a proper shop for a full service. Which isn't cheap in itself.