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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit pissed off with dh re Xmas spending

47 replies

Funnymousey · 15/12/2015 20:31

I may be called a miser for this but here goes! Dh and I have 2 DC and dh has 16 year old DD too. Middle child this year is getting a bike at great expense. We have limited means, so this is on the understanding that we won't be able to necessarily spend the same on each child. Sometimes one child will get more spent on them simply as its their turn to get a bike! I'm sure when ds needs a bike it will be the same so it all evens out.
I thought we had agreed a budget but dh has just spent same amount on eldest DD so now we have 2 kids having expensive presents and now one ds who has had much less spent on him. I know this might not make a lot of sense as I'm not great at explaining!
I'm just getting a little bit miffed about how much bloody money we are spending when we really can't afford it!

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 15/12/2015 23:14

I think it is deeply shit of him to take money out of savings you need for house repairs and a new car to spend extra money on a 16 year old who already had a lot of cash for her birthday.

A bike for a child is much more of a basic necessity than spending loads of money on a teenager for no good reason.

She's old enough to understand her parents aren't loaded and a modest present is something to be grateful for when money is tight.

Nonidentifyingnc · 15/12/2015 23:44

If you were talking about hundreds if pounds, I would agree with you. But £100 total spend on a 16 year old at Christmas is not especially extravagant.

Perfectlypurple · 15/12/2015 23:57

£100 is extravagant if you don't have much money.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 16/12/2015 00:07

Thanks for that poocatcher - I knew I'd got the 2 miles from somewhere!

DS2 gets a free school bus to secondary school, I've never measured the distance but I now know it must be more than 3 miles! (We are in a village - secondary is in closest town).

Nonidentifyingnc · 16/12/2015 00:12

I'm not denying it's a significant amount of money, only that you can't buy a lot for £100 these days. I bought ds a football shirt for Christmas and that's £50 on its own! The average ps game is £40. It doesn't go far.

trashcanjunkie · 16/12/2015 00:27

The irony being, we live in a city centre! Although I think we are a little out of the ordinary. Anyway, I'll stop hijacking the thread and fwiw, if the dcs are unaware of value difference, it wouldn't enter my head to worry about it. I'd feel relieved. It won't be too long before they are totally clued up.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 16/12/2015 00:55

OP don't worry. We've spent about 500 pounds on our 11 year old because she needed a laptop......our 7 year old has had about 300 pounds in total but actually looks like she's got more gifts because her things are cheaper!

I've bulked the 11 year old's pile up with cheap soap and bath sets and pens and a few little games...etc. The 7 year old has no concept of what a laptop costs and will just be happy with her dolls and playsets.

Senpai · 16/12/2015 05:19

I'm probably in the minority, but I think at Christmas kids should all have the amount spent on them within the same ball park. Save the bikes for birthdays when you can get them larger gifts and not have to have the other siblings comparing what they got.

theycallmemellojello · 16/12/2015 06:29

I think it is hard for a child, maybe especially a step child, to see a sibling receiving a more expensive Xmas present. Also, it's the 16 year old DD who your DH has spent the extra on correct? It seems less likely she will be receiving a big ticket item in future to even things out, as she'll be flying the nest pretty soon. I can understand your DH's reasoning. However, you have joint finances so he should have expressed his concerns in advance when you were setting the budget, not gone out and acted on his own.

HolgerDanske · 16/12/2015 07:58

Oh oops how did I get the idea that it was an older son? Sorry...

Anyway I hope it will be ok. Try not to resent it, it's done now and I'm sure you'll have happy children at Christmas

Goingtobeawesome · 16/12/2015 08:02

I think the issue is he is treating his child with someone else better than the children he has with you. Compensating with money because he no longer lives with her every day is common but ridiculous. Way to make her spoilt and use it against him.

ottothedog · 16/12/2015 08:08

How old are the younger two? I can see a 16 year old having the more expensive gift if the others are at primary.

HolgerDanske · 16/12/2015 08:16

Hmmmm no I don't think it sounds as if he is - he is treating his elder daughter the same as his middle child, in terms of money spent, and the little one is too little to know any better, so it's not relevant there yet. He's treating his daughter at Christmas and I think that's fair enough.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/12/2015 09:29

It is not "fair" to treat an almost adult "the same" in terms of spend as s child who needs a new bike when that money is coming from savings needed for home repairs and a car.

16 is old enough to understand that your little brother needs a new bike and you got a lot spent on your birthday.

No wonder some young adults struggle in the world if they are treated like a little kid who will be jealous because their brother got a bike.

If she will be jealous about something so petty at her age her father has utterly failed her as a parent.

Spending earmarked family savings on presents for one person to stop them feeling jealous of a child getting a bike is ridiculous carry on.

"Dear small children,

you must live in a kip of a house with no car so I can indulge your spoilt teenage sister's moods. Yes, her whims are more important than your needs.

Love (but not a lot)

Your shit Dad (who steals from you and your Mum)

Nonidentifyingnc · 16/12/2015 09:47

That's harsh and unfair Bath. 16 year olds are still children and prone to childlike feelings still. They are not 'nearly adults' - they are still in the process of growing.

Personally, I think that step children have a lot to contend with sometimes and it is important to be scrupulously fair. It doesn't take much to make them feel less valued than their parent's new families. If spending a little more than you would have liked at Christmas, heads this off, then it is money well spent and as important as any other kind of spending.

Kids do get more expensive as they grow up. I've got one at university now and he is costing an arm and a leg.

chocadd1ct · 16/12/2015 09:51

£100 may very well be extravagant depending on finances. It certainly would be my household and I am sure I am not the only one.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/12/2015 09:55

A properly raised NT 16 year old is NOT a child.

Spending money a family doesn't have to make an overgrown baby feel better about her brother getting a bike is absolutely shite parenting.

16 is old enough to understand money is limited, to understand money doesn't equal love, to understand that they will make other financial demands that will need to be met that small children don't make.

In two years this "child" will be able to vote.

If she's not "almost an adult" then maybe we need to raise the voting age to one where you are not still being treated like a toddler by your parents.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 16/12/2015 09:58

I think you should spend roughly the same on all the kids. But it's not easy! At the moment, I've spent £100 less on my DD than my DS, however, she has 8 more things to unwrap! It's purely because my DS has 2 "big ticket" items. I will probably give DD £100 to spend in the sales, to even things up.

I don't think £150 is a lot at Christmas. But obviously everyone needs to pick a budget suitable to their means and then try to stick to it. Don't forget, you can buy things that they need, like slippers, pyjamas, clothes - things you'd have to buy whether it was Christmas or not!

RB68 · 16/12/2015 10:01

I think its tricky bikes we nearly always got second hand but Dad knew what he was doing with them and overhauled them. There are places at tips that sell reconditioned bikes - they are selling them and they have to be fit for purpose so not as risky as ebay or the papers etc. Bikes were not often seen as a present more as a thing M&D saw as important to have so we got one new one in our childhood that WAS a present but then no more - in terms of even presents across the ages I think there was a rough budget of 50 a head but sometimes it got shifted around so that things were relatively fair between us rarely did one of us get alot more than others. Even when living hand to mouth wld try and spend around £100 on my DD for a decent pressie once she was 7 ish or so - less than that there is no real feel for what she might have or not in her mind. I often use nectar or Tesco points for pressies though - so save all year and double up at Christmas to purchase things. Which is what I have done this year spending cash only on stocking fillers.

SummerNights1986 · 16/12/2015 10:08

I think you should spend roughly the same on all the kids

I disagree. I have ds's aged 7 and 5. Atm, I've spent about £100 more on ds2 than ds1.

They have the same amount of stuff. But ds1 is hugely into spiderman and ds2 is hugely into Paw Patrol.

Spiderman is old news nowadays. I've picked up a couple of fantastic bargains - a big playset type thing with action figures and real web and all the rest for £20. He will pee his pants when he sees it.

Ds2's similar sized and similar 'type' of PP playset was fucking 65 quid (robbing bastards). And I've experienced the same with a themed jigsaw and board game I've got.

It's just chance that ds2's favourite character thing is much pricier - but there's no difference in the quality/size of the stuff.

There is NO chance though that i'm going to be giving ds1 £100 cash to make up for it! Ds2 would rightly have the hump with that considering their gifts are pretty equal in all but cost.

Winterisntcoming · 16/12/2015 10:10

Glad there isn't any projecting and reading between the lines going on in this thread.

Think of the children, please won't someone think of the children.

I've spent at least £500 each on my 18 and 15 year old, I think I've now ruined them.

Nonidentifyingnc · 16/12/2015 10:24

Two years is a long time in the life of a child, and I feel that 16 is still a child. And actually, there is nothing in the OP to suggest anything negative about her as a person. The OP hasn't said she is demanding or resentful or jealous, only that the dad wanted to spend a bit more on her than the OP was happy with.

I think it is weird to say the dad is stealing from his wife and other dc by spending on his own child. If it is family money then he has as much right to priorituse spending on his dc as the OP does to prioritise spending on the house/car.

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