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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he regarding cleaner?

40 replies

Sixpencenonethericher · 15/12/2015 20:14

I'm having constant arguments with my Dh over this. I have huntingtons disease and have been symptomatic for a couple of years. I struggle to do the housework and am constantly hurting myself falling over or burning myself on the iron or the kettle. My Dh works full time but does hardly anything around the hOuse. He's supposed to cook tea but only does if he is hungry. I think we should get a cleaner but he says we can't afford it. I think we could. If he would step up and do the housework it would be fine but he would rather play Xbox.

OP posts:
foxessoxes · 15/12/2015 20:46

He is being a twat.

Is there anything you can cut back on- ie electric, food bill etc? Sit down and make a list of what you could save and then work out the difference (if there is one) of what it would cost for a cleaner and show the sums to your DH.

Do you still cook and clean for him even though he doesnt? If yes, then stop. Your being a doormat- why would he hand money over to someone to do something when you will do it for nothing despite your protesting?

whois · 15/12/2015 20:47

Yikes, well it's a bit of a difficult situation. He works full time, you're sick and only going to get more incapacitated. Do you think he is on board with caring for you as you deteriorate? Have you had frank conversations about the current situation and the future?

This is about more than his current lack of cleaning.

Original poster
Sixpencenonethericher · 15/12/2015 20:51

I'm very worried about the future and when I talk about it he gets cross. I can't physically do the cleaning and cooking anymore.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 15/12/2015 20:59

Sixpence that's awful,he needs to get on board and he needs to do it now,there is no other option.

I became seriously ill and disabled within a year of having our 5th DC,our youngest DC and our 3rd born DC are also disabled as well.My DH has had to take on alot more than just the cleaning of the house and the cooking.

Huntingtons is a bloody evil illness to have to live with.I've suffered a really rare form or brain damage(a lot of our symptoms are the same)so I do get how awful it is to not have control of your own body and mind.

He needs to be cooking for you as well every day not just when he feels hungry,what does he expect you to do?stop being human and only be hungry when he is?

Are you receiving all the disability benefits that your entitled to?
If so could you use part of that towards a cleaner?although I'd make your husband go halfs as well,it's his home and mess as much as it yours.

BrendaandEddie · 15/12/2015 21:01

stop asking and just do

annandale · 15/12/2015 21:07

It sounds as if you are both struggling and no wonder. I'm with whois on what needs to happen, but also it sounds as if you need breathing space. Are you getting any support or advice from the Huntington's Disease Association? They might clarify benefits, assessment of both your needs, perhaps even voluntary help?

I wouldn't wait for his permission to go ahead with these things, it may not be until he sees life improving with some changes that he can stop being terrified and look to the future.

Musicaltheatremum · 15/12/2015 21:11

OP, are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to? Please contact the Huntingtons association. They will be able to help. And have a hug as this is an or ribose situation for you. Flowers

Original poster
Sixpencenonethericher · 15/12/2015 21:11

That the hda are being really good and I feel that he resents me. I can't just arrange a cleaner because I don't have access to any money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixpencenonethericher · 15/12/2015 21:12

I am getting all the benefits I'm entitled to.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 15/12/2015 21:13

If you're getting benefits then you have access to money?

Unless you're saying he controls it?

ohtheholidays · 15/12/2015 21:14

Sixpence why don't you have access to any money?

All of my disability and mobility payments are paid straight to me.

Original poster
Sixpencenonethericher · 15/12/2015 21:22

I was spending too much online and we thought the time was right to cancel my card and the money just all goes into his account.

OP posts:
elementofsurprise · 15/12/2015 21:39

By "spending too much online", what do you mean?

Sorry, not trying to be nosey, just wondering if you were really overspending, or if your DH decided all on his own that you were...

KirstyJC · 15/12/2015 21:46

You get benefits in your name that you can't spend on or for yourself? And he won't let you spend that money on things that you cannot do even though he won't do them? What does he spend your benefits on then?

If you don't feel able to handle your own finances then there are other options. Ask CAB for info on getting an unbiased advocate - someone to help you with controlling your money without just handing it all over to someone else who won't let you use it on yourself.

This sounds very worrying especially if you are starting to feel his resentment - doesn't sound like he will be there as things get harder.

Original poster
Sixpencenonethericher · 15/12/2015 21:46

I was spending it mostly on kindle books on Amazon which was between 5 and 10 a week if that but I got sucked into that Aimee cream and almost ending up paying 150 a month unknowingly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixpencenonethericher · 15/12/2015 21:48

He says my benefits money pays the mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixpencenonethericher · 15/12/2015 22:01

He said that he's pissed off with me nagging him about the x box and that it's no different to me being on my I pad and how would I feel if he took it away. He told my occupational therapist that I use my illness as an excuse to be nasty and then wondered why I cried.

OP posts:
KirstyJC · 15/12/2015 22:04

If you have an illness that means you can't work (making assumptions you don't, apologies if wrong) then obviously benefits go towards your living costs such as the mortgage. But disability-type benefits should also go towards helping cover some of the extra costs that illness incurs. Not all of the costs obviously but some of them - if you can't manage to do simple household tasks without harm then you need help. If he won't help, you need to either get help from carers (eg for meal prep) or pay for it eg cleaners. And sod the ironing, why on earth do you do that anyway? Does anyone even do that any more??

If you are doing 'his' housework then stop. He won't even provide you with a meal unless he is hungry himself so FGS stop doing his laundry........!

He may resent you - or he may resent your illness and can't work out how to express this. Either way this is not acceptable and I think it sounds quite worrying. Obviously we are only getting a very small part of the picture but so far you have suggested: he expects you to do things that injure yourself, won't pull his weight in the partnership of both living in a home that needs maintaining, won't help you eat and therefore is happy for you to be hungry, has stopped you getting any money despite it being in your name and gets angry with you. Hmm he sounds like a real catch! In all honesty I would be starting to seriously think that this is not a healthy relationship and in fact is sounding abusive. He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse you know.

If you have good contact with the Huntingdon's charity then do they have someone there you can speak to about your situation at home? Or do you have a social worker? What about a counselling service - have either of you spoken to them about the condition and what to expect?

Original poster
Sixpencenonethericher · 15/12/2015 22:09

I'm going to go to bed now. I will come back in the morning, thanks everyone.

OP posts:
TheOddity · 15/12/2015 22:11

Night night, get that card reactivated. You need access to money whether he likes it or not.

annandale · 15/12/2015 22:15

It sounds really difficult. I'm not going to jump in and blame your partner because a lot of things change with this kind of illness and he may just have no idea how to cope.

Just as another suggestion, is there a specialist nurse attached to the neurologist's clinic (if you get followup)? This kind of support with working out practicalities and negotiating relationships in a completely new situation is something they are very good at.

AdoraBell · 15/12/2015 22:22

I think you should get your benefits paid to your own account. Do the mortgage payments equal your benefits? And what does his money pay for?

CocktailQueen · 15/12/2015 22:44

Um, I have a friend with HD and she spends and spends on her credit card and her dh can't cope - it's one of the markers for HD, uncontrolled spending (she wasn't like this at all before the diagnosis). It may not be as easy as saying 'oh. get your credit cards back'. Her dh has to cope with this too.

Sorry, op, didn't want to derail your thread but have seen this from the other side too. My friend totally changed during her her diagnosis and was very anti her dh - whereas before she had been totally in love with him. Not saying this is you -but saying this is my experience.

annandale · 15/12/2015 22:50

I'd agree Cocktail, the changes from HD look very tough to deal with for the person and the people around them. Please try and get some more support for you both OP, or say to your DH that things aren't working and you both need more help.

LyndaNotLinda · 15/12/2015 22:54

I know that HD can make people be impetuous but the OP's PIP etc should cover the cost of a cleaner/carer (when she needs one).

Sixpence - do you have a friend that could come over and advocate for you?