AIBU or is he regarding cleaner?

[Sixpencenonethericher]

I'm having constant arguments with my Dh over this. I have huntingtons disease and have been symptomatic for a couple of years. I struggle to do the housework and am constantly hurting myself falling over or burning myself on the iron or the kettle. My Dh works full time but does hardly anything around the hOuse. He's supposed to cook tea but only does if he is hungry. I think we should get a cleaner but he says we can't afford it. I think we could. If he would step up and do the housework it would be fine but he would rather play Xbox.

Your do sounds financially and emotionally abusive.

You shouldn't have no money at all.

Disabled women are more likely to be victims of domestic abuse. You are in a vulnerable situation.

IMO you should talk to someone who knows more about your condition and relationships, or women's aid.

I Dont normally say this but I think I think you should leave him.

Eventually you will be unable to leave due to your illness and will be trapped with a man who will use your steadily increasing weakness (due to your illness) to control you and you will be too ill to leave, he will be able to do/treat you how he wants and you will be unable to help yourself.

I'm sorry if that sounds scary but the pattern is that the less able you become the worse he becomes and I already using you illness as a control mechanism against you.

In your circumstances once you have a place on your own there are other people like support workers who can help you with budgeting your money so you don't end up in trouble.

You are the reason benefits and social housing exist! your illness means you can't work but that does not mean you can't be independent, housing benefit will help with your rent esa for your living expenses and pip for the added cost associated with your illness/disability. Examples for using pip like a cleaner or a taxi to get your shopping.

Please know you are worth more than a man who could treat you this way esp while you are so vulnerable.

I can understand why a one-income household might not be able to afford a cleaner - but you need an open discussion about what your incomings and outgoings are, and you definitely need access to money.

Morning, thanks for all your responses. I can't leave him we have a Dd and two big dogs. He keeps shouting at Dd and upsetting her, she cooked me tea last night because he wouldn't.

He earns a good wage so I think he could afford a cleaner.

Change your benefits back to your account. You need a cleaner.

Do you love him? Do you think he loves you?
I don't think so. I think he sounds abusive and nasty and in your shoes I would honest to God phone the women's refuge with an aim to leave shortly after Christmas. I think you will probably need social services to help get you the best and right care for your daughter to set up on your own. I'm sure they'll want to help you as much as they can.

I'm just appalled and don't want you to feel trapped because of your Huntingtons. Don't give your daughter the best years if your life watching her Mum be bullied and trodden in. I'm sorry but you will leave her with a legacy that her Dad can treat her like crap and so can other men.

Get help, get support, get out.

If he earns a good wage why the hell is your benefit money being used for the mortgage? It's for YOU, to spend on making your life easier. That's why you get it.

I second GloGirl - you need to get out.

where the fucks she going to go with HD if she cant cook or clean and is getting worse?? Its all very well everyone saying leave, but the family need support to stay together. Obviously you need a cleaner OP and your dp needs to step up

This is such an awful situation. LTB is an easy thing to say.

However, I had a friend with a life-limiting illness, and even though she needed care, she refused to spend the last years of her life with a twat. It wasn't easy for her but she did it.

Seriously, what are you getting out of this relationship other than hassle? This man is not going to look after you as the disease gets worse. Put things in place to ensure that you get decent care now, whilst you are still able to do so. And help your daughter learn a valuable life lesson before she makes similar mistakes.

He is not going to change. You cannot fix him because it is not you, it's him.

You also need to be able to see the finances, even if you can't be trusted with your own credit card, there is no reason why you shouldn't have a debit card with a set amount of spending money each week. Having said that, I struggle as to why you couldn't have a credit card with a very low limit.

Branleuse Her DH controls HER money - refusing to allow a cleaner, which is precisely the sort of thing it is supposed to be spent on. She gets the money to make her life easier, he is using it to pay the mortgage even though he is on a good income.

He is not going to "step up", is he?

What are you imagining will make him step up? The family don't need "support" to stay together, they are together now! And it is shit for the OP because her husband is abusive!

How do you think single people manage? And tbh having an abusive husband take your money and expect you to clean up after him is worse than having no husband at all!

Just get one without him knowing. If he's at work all day he will know no different and you can just tell him you've done it

Just read you have no access to the money so scrap my previous post.

However - you absolutely should have access to all money. He sounds like a bit of a shit really...

Sorry for not replying sooner we had a really good talk and told each other how we are feeling well I shouted a lot he listened and I. Think we will be ok we decided that after x mas we will get a cleaner twice a week
My occupational therapist wants me to walk yo the shops round the corner every day and he's leaving his card at home for me so I can get money pay for stuff etc
His dad died 2 months ago and I think that might be a lot to do with his grumpiness etc
Thank you so much everyone it's been lovely to talk about it with you all its really helped

Glad you got this sorted - I hadn't seen this earlier.

Yes to a cleaner but you also need to make sure you have access to money. That's fundamental.