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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this a little odd

32 replies

northern78 · 06/12/2015 20:19

Dh has completed a gift tag on the biggest (cost several hundred pounds) presents for our dd and signed it from him and his parent (who passed away in March).
I kind of understand in a way as the gift would have relevance for his parent but I still feel and bit weird about this. Plus our other dc have not received a corresponding sized gift as this gift would not interest them. (It is an experience rather than a physical gift.
aibu to find it odd. Obviously I am not going to challenge him but just wondered what mumsnet jury reckon.

OP posts:
Original poster
northern78 · 06/12/2015 20:20

Sorry should proof read before posting but you get the idea.

OP posts:
TTTatty · 06/12/2015 20:21

Why aren't you going to challenge him?

Surely it is a joint present from the both of you? I would say something

Krampus · 06/12/2015 20:24

Could the parent have given money towards the experience or spoken about what a nice gift prior to their passing?

ChutneyRhodrey · 06/12/2015 20:25

YANBU, I also find it odd. My late Grandad signed a gift for my son from him and my deceased Father, I found it completely strange. I understood why he did it but was still a bit miffed! It's a sensitive subject too so I didn't feel able to challenge it.

Krampus · 06/12/2015 20:26

I would just ask my husband, it would be fine to chat about it without it being a challenge tto his actions.

Playthebrassbandinstrument · 06/12/2015 20:27

I don't think it's odd at all - let's say the experience was driving a rally car and the deceased had loved car racing - makes sense to me?

Original poster
northern78 · 06/12/2015 20:28

I don't think so krampus. I am wary about challenging him as he is obviously going find this Christmas difficult as he no longer has any parents. I know how hard my1st Christmas was after my remaining parent passed so I don't want to cause upset.
Also he has inherited money from his parent so in a way his parent is to an extent funding it.

OP posts:
TTTatty · 06/12/2015 20:29

But he has left off the op? You don't think that is strange? Like an extra present for one dc just from him and not the op?

Original poster
northern78 · 06/12/2015 20:35

I just think it odd that he didn't put my name on it too. Don't want to give too much detail but the parent had some interest in the subject but was not a regular follower.

OP posts:
Original poster
northern78 · 06/12/2015 20:36

Crossposted with tatty

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 06/12/2015 22:47

I would bring it up. Fine to include the grandparent, but surely your name should be there?

How would he feel if you signed the other presents just from you?

Lelania · 06/12/2015 22:51

Maybe him and his parent discussed getting it for the child before they died or something? I would ask about it sensitively. Greif can do strange things to people.

MammaTJ · 06/12/2015 22:56

I think he needs to find something from that deceased person to include in something for the other DC, then it will be fine.

You being left out is secondary to him losing his last parent.

Just make sure all DC are treated the same!

randomcatname · 06/12/2015 22:57

I would just run with it OP. You understand it's his grief doing it. Be kind. Honestly, in January it won't be an issue and it obviously is coming from the best of intentions from your dh.

exWifebeginsat40 · 06/12/2015 22:59

you don't have to challenge him, OP. just...talk to him.

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2015 23:03

I would challenge him! For one thing, why is it from him and not from you, if you share money? What made that his money?

I could understand if he bought each child a gift from the inheritance and said it was from his dad, but this is unfair on a number of levels.

Also, are the other children a similar age? Will they notice that your daughter's had a huge extra present?

Original poster
northern78 · 06/12/2015 23:05

That's just it though. I don't think there are any plans to treat other dc in this way. Dd2 wouldn't be interested and dd3 is too young. No other similar priced things have been discussed and quite frankly dd3 doesn't need anything and probably won't notice.
It's dd2 that concerns me. When inlaws were alive they did favour dd1 and to me it seems like this is still happening.
Tbh the activity is somethibg dh enjoys and perhaps it is for his benefit as much as dd1.

OP posts:
randomcatname · 06/12/2015 23:10

Money's not everything.

Original poster
northern78 · 06/12/2015 23:14

Dd1 and dd2 are close in age. Dd3 much younger.
I guess I just think it would seem petty to mention missing me off. Perhaps though I could discuss the fairness of dd1 getting something so big and dd2 getting so much less.
Plus also it could be quite damaging for dd2 to see that granny! got dd1 a gift but not her.
I guess he just hasn't thought it thorough. I have been aware of his grief as I have been through the loss of both parents. However, thinking back he was less sensitive. Asking me what was I reading to make meas cry on the day of my mum's funeral for example.

OP posts:
Original poster
northern78 · 06/12/2015 23:17

I know that random and the dc won't have a clue how much this experience costs thankfully. Think we need to get dd2 an extra something from granny though.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/12/2015 23:27

You need to fight for your younger daughter's right to an equal present. It doesn't have to be equal in value but in importance.

Tbh I'd be furious with him. His parent died in March and I can appreciate Christmas is a significant time as it is for you, too, given you've lost your parents.

If he gives a present from their grandparent, that's one thing - each of them should get a present. I really think he's out of order saying that present is from him and not from you.

oliveoyl72 · 06/12/2015 23:28

Instead of raising the subject in a challenging way, you could perhaps say that you think it's lovely that he'd think to do that with some of the inheritance, and ask what he has in mind to get the other 2 - and maybe suggest something if he hasn't thought of anything himself.

Potatoface2 · 06/12/2015 23:28

get something for dd2 that you can do with her and just put it from you...and granny

steppemum · 06/12/2015 23:29

It is odd to leave you off.
It is odd to buy an expensive present for one child and not the other.

But you just need to ask him about it, and talk to him.

KeepOnMoving1 · 06/12/2015 23:30

Tbh I think just let it go. Why give him a difficult time over this one gift. Get your dd something else as well and not make an issue over it. It will be a difficult enough time for him as is.