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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i stop sending gifts?

26 replies

PeppasNanna · 05/12/2015 10:04

Back story is ive known my friend over 20 years.

Ive always sent gifts, as they moved to the other side if the UK about 10 years ago. Now we have grandchildren etc. I send the dc & gdc gifts. Cards to df & her dh on birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas.

Since last year my gifts haven't been acknowledged. Df used to call but now not even a text. I was pretty hurt last Christmas as it was my dd 1st Christmas & df didn't send a card or acknowledge the gifts i sent her family.

Last month there was a special birthday in their family. I sent £50. No acknowledgment. She cashed the cheque though.

This week i sent another birthday gift & again no acknowledgment/text/thankyou.

I've never recieved gifts from df. So I dont give to recieve.

AIBU to stop sending gifts?

Maybe I think more of the friendship then she does...I sound like a right sad cow now!!Xmas Blush

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 05/12/2015 10:06

I'd stop sending if there is no thanks or even acknowledgement. Doesn't sound like much of a friend

gamerchick · 05/12/2015 10:06

You're not a sad cow but you're right it's time to stop.

It's likely she's just taking you for granted and that's never good.

LineyReborn · 05/12/2015 10:12

If she's never sent you anything, and she's stopped even acknowledging your gifts, it could be her way of letting you know she'd rather you stopped sending stuff.

I'd be uncomfortable receiving so much stuff, if I couldn't or didn't have the time couldn't be arsed to reciprocate.

Just a thought. I am often wrong, however.

MissCalamity · 05/12/2015 10:12

I would stop, all that 'you don't give to receive' is nonsense.

It's hurtful when you've made the effort & she cannot even thank you. If she mentions the lack of gifts that year (which I can imagine she probably would!) just say you thought you weren't doing them anymore.

We have, well I say we, my DP has 'friends' that never acknowledge our dc's birthdays, never showing up to important events despite saying they will. DP runs about after them, I've completely washed my hands of them.

Littlef00t · 05/12/2015 10:12

Do you speak much through this year? Do you value your friendship? Perhaps just send cards?

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 05/12/2015 10:18

Little i value the friendship. Lots of texting/messaging. I rarely talk to anyone on the phone so that hasn't really changed.

I think I need to see the situation for what it is. I am really offended though.

I realise i always text/message her on an occasion & that is when sometimes she acknowledged something I've sent.

I wouldnt expect an acknowledgement for a card but do for a gift.

OP posts:
scarlets · 05/12/2015 10:26

I would stop now.

coffeeandcalpol · 05/12/2015 10:26

"You don't give to receive" is very true, but not saying thank you for a gift is downright rude! I'd stop sending

laundryeverywhere · 05/12/2015 10:27

I wouldn't look at if she thanks you so much as if she sends you a gift in return. I am not saying it should be the same value as your gift, but it should be something thoughtful. If not then I would stop sending gifts.

dementedpixie · 05/12/2015 10:27

If you don't want to totally stop contact then just send a card instead

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 05/12/2015 10:31

laundry do you mean she should send me a thoughtful gift because i send her gifts?

I wouldn't ever expect anyone to send me or my family gifts. I have a very large family!

OP posts:
laundryeverywhere · 05/12/2015 10:47

I would expect a gift in return if I sent an adult friend something for Christmas, but not if it was a child or young person, or someone with a problem that might stop them giving a gift.

ohtheholidays · 05/12/2015 10:47

Don't send anything else including cards £50 and no reply Shock Angry

What fucking arses,they are not worth you OP they really aren't,that's beyond bloody rude for me that would be unforgivable.

BasinHaircut · 05/12/2015 11:05

Actually, you make so much effort sending cards and gifts multiple times throughout the year that if she doesn't so much as send you a card on your birthday then that's a piss take, regardless of whether or not she thanks or acknowledges your cards/gifts.

I have some friends that I exchange cards and gifts with, others that I don't. But I assure you that anyone who goes to so much effort for me gets something in return. They don't have to mirror my efforts, but they have to not take me for granted.

JT05 · 05/12/2015 11:30

Yes stop sending. This happened to me, eventually I got a random email in early summer, thanking me, all in one go, for about 3 years worth of gifts. It also included long info about her family happenings and hope that our holiday house was still as wonderful as when they last visited. (4 years ago)!!

We also have one set of family members who ignore us all year long, apart from Bcards. We send a considerable present every year, but are not doing it this year. Enough is enough!

Jinglebells99 · 05/12/2015 11:49

I had similar with my sister. A couple of years ago , I posted a cheque for my nephew, heard nothing. A month later, I posted a cheque for niece. She was 19. I got a text back calling me a numpty for post dating the cheque and telling me to write the new cheque in her dd's name as she had a bank account. No please or thank u. She then sent me a stream of abusive messages at Christmas last year. I went no contact. I'm only back in contact now as one of my parents is ill.

BillBrysonsBeard · 05/12/2015 12:20

My mum is like you, so generous and loves giving. But people take her for granted and never get her anything back.. and end up expecting even more from her. Not reciprocating is fine the first time as some people don't do gifts (me included- can't be doing with the stress of what to get and if its equal etc) but people should say if they don't want to do them instead of accepting them, especially the money! I know you say you don't give to receive but this is too much. They either need to reciprocate or ask you to stop.

And the lack of thankyou is awful. I would just end this charade.

Creampastry · 05/12/2015 13:45

You're being used I think. Don't send gifts and see if she contacts you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/12/2015 13:46

Feel for you, OP - I have this with a dear friend's kids who've never so much as acknowledged a gift in 20 years. Thing is, it's hard when you think a lot of the friend and don't want to upset her by leaving the kids out - but in your case, since they've moved away, I'd most definitely stop

Couldashouldawoulda · 05/12/2015 13:50

You need to stop. This situation is ridiculous, and awful for you! If you want to stay in touch, just send cards. You need to try and invest most of your time in people who will appreciate your efforts, OP.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/12/2015 16:02

Yes, you should definitely stop sending gifts.

"I've never recieved gifts from df."
"I realise i always text/message her on an occasion & that is when sometimes she acknowledged something I've sent. "
So she probably would never have thanked/acknowledged the gift if she hadn't been replying anyway Sad.

It is one thing to believe 'I don't give to receive'. It is quite another to be treated rudely and taken for granted.

celtictoast · 05/12/2015 16:24

Just send a card this time.

coconutpie · 05/12/2015 16:30

I wouldn't even send a card from now on. If she is so rude that she refuses to acknowledge your extremely generous gifts, then I would make no further effort. She sounds like an ungrateful cow.

Bluetrews25 · 05/12/2015 16:59

It was lovely of you to send gifts to her DCs.
I sent gifts to my DFriend's children, until they stopped being children (18), and she did the same to mine, but have not started to send to DFriend's grandchild.
I'd keep doing cards for friend, but that's it. There has to be a cut off somewhere.
It's sad they have never reciprocated, rude not to acknowledge.

biggles50 · 05/12/2015 22:38

You sound kind and thoughtful, your "friend" not so much. Stop with the gifts and stick to cards. She's not going to ask you where her presents are. Although I'd send her a text "hi, not managed to check online banking, hope you received cheque xxx". If you do send her a present enclose an SAE with a receipt for the present.

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