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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody pre- christmas row!

37 replies

Kiddiewinks2008 · 30/11/2015 17:24

Had a massive row with sister today about xmas (but actually about more than xmas!)
Invited her & her dp down for xmas - she hasnt visited for a year- she eventually said no but it escalated into massive row about her never visiting my dc or showing any interest as she has no kids herself.
I am upset because she doesnt come & see them & we always have to travel the 200+ miles to see them.
She says she loves my dc and wants them in her life but its always us that have to make the effort. I find it upsetting as my dc don't always want to travel- they are little- and feel that it should be a 2 way street with visits.
She said that she has her own life & I am emotionally blackmailing her. I just feel that if she cares that much, she would make a bit of an effort to come here too and visit.
Aibu?

OP posts:
FluffyPersian · 30/11/2015 17:30

I think there's two points there - You say 'her never visiting my dc or showing any interest as she has no kids herself.' - I don't see what her not having kids has to do with anything.... I don't have kids and I don't think that means I have to show an interest in any children, whether I'm related to them or not....

However - From the rest of your post, it sounds incredibly one sided. My sister has a 2.5 year old and I visit her 4 out of 5 times... and she visits me. I visit her as she's got a young child, but she still makes effort... If / when I have children, the expectation would be that she makes more effort as it's easier if you're travelling solo...

I do think that she has her own life, but if she says she wants to see you and your children yet makes no effort (and you genuinely have travelled to see her far more than she's travelled to see you) then it sounds like YANBU.

Did you point out the fact that you've made more effort than her?

SushiAndTheBanshees · 30/11/2015 17:30

A little bit, I think.

You just have different expectations. She's fully entitled to make whatever choices she wants. If you want to see her you will obviously need to go to her. She will then need to accept that she is losing her closeness to you if you decide not to go so frequently. And, frankly, maybe that's what she wants.

Original poster
Kiddiewinks2008 · 30/11/2015 17:36

Thats what the row was about essentially- the last 10 times we have seen them has been us travelling to them- no joke. I said that its not about xmas, more that she never visits and she said I was guilt tripping her and that its my fault for living so far away.
I am really really upset- my kids are small and dont want to be dragged from pillar to post all the time. She said that I was saying that just because she doesnt visit, it implies she doesnt give a shit about the kids and I am a twat for saying it. Am so upset- she made it sound like I was being mad for suggesting it was unreasonable!

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 30/11/2015 17:37

Pil live 2 hours away. So it's about 4 hours (there and back) in the car to visit them.

They are yet to come here this year.

It pisses me off. However instead of arguing with them, I just refuse to go.

They call and we probably won't see them over Christmas because I won't drive all that way with the kids when they can't make the effort.

I told dh this and he agrees. It hurts him that they won't visit us.

We can't force them to do anything but we can choose how we deal with it.

febreeze · 30/11/2015 17:37

As my granny used to say.

The road runs 2 ways.

Backawaynow2 · 30/11/2015 17:39

I think guilt tripping your sister into visiting you over Christmas when she doesn't want to is mean.

Of course it's easier her to come to you but why should she if she doesn't want to.

I have to say now ours are teens I can't imagine wanting to spend my Christmas with my toddler nieces and nephews and I love them dearly.

Back off. Christmas is previous time off work and to be enjoyed how individuals want to.

I am sure your sister loved your kids.

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2015 17:43

But no-one's going to care as much about your kids as you do.

I hardly ever visit my nieces and nephews but it doesn't mean I'm not happy to have them in my life.

You chose to be a Mother - she did not choose to be an Aunt.

However, that doesn't mean she's not happy to be one. I expect she just doesn't want this extra visiting responsibility imposed on her.

Backawaynow2 · 30/11/2015 17:49

Totally agree Worra and little kids are a joyful pain in the arse to anyone other than their parents. Actually to their parents too. Mine were. Grin

You are being unreasonable op.

DinosaursRoar · 30/11/2015 17:55

oh, she doesn't really want them part of her life, well, a bit, but not enough to put herself out. So stop bothering. She's not.

Don't argue, just take the decision you wo'nt travel until she does. Invite her regularly, if she declines, don't shout or argue or tell her she should, say "ok, if you wnat to visit another time, let me know, we'd love to have you to stay!" but don't go. If she invites you "No, it's hard to do the journey with the children, but you are of course welcome here, let me konw if you want to come to stay."

No drama, but stop putting yourself out until she's prepared to.

Costacoffeeplease · 30/11/2015 17:57

Yes of course you are. She doesn't want to come and visit, that's fair enough

They're your kids, not hers, would you rather she came dragging her heels and resentful? What fun would that be?

I really don't see why this turned into a huge row

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/11/2015 17:57

I think you are being a bit over sensitive about this.

Can she afford to travel 200+ miles?

She's child free, perhaps she isn't that bothered about seeing your dc's.

BlueJug · 30/11/2015 17:59

Agree with worra

Also do you have other family that you can see when you visit her?

Original poster
Kiddiewinks2008 · 30/11/2015 18:07

Obviously I get that noone will love my kids like I do and I wouldnt want to force anyone to do anything.

I guess I am hurt because if I don't make the effort to drag the kids 200+ miles each time, then they wont have a relationship with their family! And maybe I realised today that its just not that important to my sister where it is to me because of my kids- esp at xmas! And its upset me!

And its about her making an effort to see me too as we have always been close!

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 30/11/2015 18:09

Where there's distances involved it's inevitable that you're not going to have the same relationship as if you lived in the same town - that's life - shrug and get on with it

TisIthecat · 30/11/2015 18:12

My sister hasn't been to see us in 6 years - we meet at mums or we visit her. She's a 4.5hr drive away. Our friends are scattered all over the place but hers are concentrated around where she lives so our kids are used to travelling for weekends away but her's aren't. We all get on really well but if we want to see them it's always up to us. It doesn't affect the relationship.

RB68 · 30/11/2015 18:13

I don't think you are being unreasonable. She says you moved away - who makes where she lives centre of the universe?

You are right she should be less selfish - she might have a life - but errr so do you

Personally I take the view that if siblings can't be arsed visiting I am not going to make huge efforts to visit either, if it fits with other plans fine - I live around 2hr 15 from mine on a good run (has been up to 7hrs when M6 a nightmare) I understand people maybe busy with their life but if they want a relationship with people they also have to make an effort - its a two way street. I can still count on one hand the visits here out of 5 siblings and two parents. Bar one who was working in this area for a while and came to live with us for a few months at one point. We have lived here over 8 years. I gave up giving a monkies decided we didn't choose to be siblings so to get over myself and let it go - I just chose to let it not bother me.

IHeartKingThistle · 30/11/2015 18:13

I get it OP. But your sister doesn't!

I live two hours away from my parents, and two hours away from each of my sisters (all in different directions!). We see each other as often as we can and neither hell nor high water would stop us. She should care. But for some reason she doesn't.

Stop schlepping there for a bit. The sad thing is, they might be in her life, but with a year between visits, she won't be in theirs because they won't remember her from one visit to the next. Then she'll wonder why she has no relationship with them. But it sounds like you've done all the running so far.

I do feel for you.

Original poster
Kiddiewinks2008 · 30/11/2015 18:18

Am also fucking tired generally as O work & have 2 kids and feel that it would be nice if my family made the effort to come & visit rather than us making all the effort as we have kids!

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 30/11/2015 18:33

So stop making the effort

You have made your life and your family where you are

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/11/2015 18:35

Yup, stop making the effort doing the long travelling.

Jux · 30/11/2015 18:40

Do you have other family living near your sister? Is she still living where you both grew up?

BackforGood · 30/11/2015 19:03

Have you moved away and they are all together in one area? (So when you go to her, you also visit Grandparents, maybe other family members and friends)
or
Has she moved away from you?

ginnybag · 30/11/2015 19:13

Just stop. I did. Consequently, I see my mum and my brother twice a year, and my Dad about 4 times.

My sister, on the hand, I see every couple of weeks. Guess which one makes an effort?

You can't make people want a relationship; you can stop doing all the work for one and find what their real level of interest is. It's cheap, but it's proving very true, at least for me.

tobysmum77 · 30/11/2015 19:41

Just checking you don't make snide little digs every 10 minutes like 'it suits you' and 'its good practice' 'you're a natural'???

It's just I got that kind of shite a few years ago and I was Angry

Chilledmonkeybrains · 30/11/2015 19:49

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here. It's perfectly reasonable to be upset that your sister isn't very interested in you or your kids. And her not travelling to you says exactly that, however she tries to deny it.

But there's very little you can do - you've said how you feel and she's gaslighted you, essentially. Try to let go, disengage slightly and focus on the people who give back more.

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