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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody pre- christmas row!

37 replies

Kiddiewinks2008 · 30/11/2015 17:24

Had a massive row with sister today about xmas (but actually about more than xmas!)
Invited her & her dp down for xmas - she hasnt visited for a year- she eventually said no but it escalated into massive row about her never visiting my dc or showing any interest as she has no kids herself.
I am upset because she doesnt come & see them & we always have to travel the 200+ miles to see them.
She says she loves my dc and wants them in her life but its always us that have to make the effort. I find it upsetting as my dc don't always want to travel- they are little- and feel that it should be a 2 way street with visits.
She said that she has her own life & I am emotionally blackmailing her. I just feel that if she cares that much, she would make a bit of an effort to come here too and visit.
Aibu?

OP posts:
holidaysarenice · 30/11/2015 19:50

How many times have you left the kids behind and arranged to spend time with your sister fitting into her life? Then you can expect her to come down and be happy fitting into your life with kids.

That's the two way street in my opinion.

Cornwalldoula · 30/11/2015 20:02

Does she invite you to stay in her home or do you invite yourself? Are your children loud and annoying? Would your sister and dp have their own space to escape to at yours? Not wanting to stay with you doesn't mean she doesn't love you all dearly, but there may be other reasons she hasn't come.

wallywobbles · 30/11/2015 20:04

I choose to move away (abroad) so I have had to come to accept that the effort will always be mine. 20 years here and DB2 1 night for my wedding
DB1 1 weekend for my wedding
DSB 1 weekend for my wedding (seeing a theme here).
DS about 10 times only staying once.
DParents about 5x

We are a close family as long as I make the effort. Your choice like mine is make the effort or be less close. I make the effort.

theycallmemellojello · 30/11/2015 20:13

On the face of it there's nothing wrong with feeling sad that your sister doesn't often come and see you. However, there are loads of possible mitigating factors.

  • is your sister broke?
  • does she have a job where she has to work crazily hard?
  • do you take advantage of school holidays to go visit for more than a weekend?
  • do you visit so often that she might not feel there's been a long enough gap since the last visit that she has to come see you?
  • do you have somewhere comfortable for her (and her dp) to stay?
etc
Wheretheresawill1 · 30/11/2015 20:14

I feel for you but I also as the person without kids make the £60 300 round trip journeys so my niece and nephews know who I am. Nobody ever visits me yet I work full time with a chronic illness. Does get to you after a while and sometimes you wonder if you stop whether anyone would notice. Same with my parents who don't like driving

Tangfastics · 30/11/2015 20:20

YABU.

Your kids, your issue.

Headofthehive55 · 30/11/2015 20:21

Well if you moved away I think it's more up to you to make the effort.

Narnia72 · 30/11/2015 20:22

It's really hard when you're always the enabler. I always have been with OH's family, and stopped a couple of years back, as I'd had enough of always being the person who organised meets. There was a situation where it became clear they never considered involving us if we hadn't asked or organised ourselves, so I stopped doing it. I thought I'd wait it out until they asked us round. I am still waiting. It's almost 3 years to the day.

It's very hard, because my kids miss them, but there was history (as always) and whilst they'd always protested about how much they adored the kids, they never made the effort to see them, despite living up the road. It was really for the kids' sake that I stopped. We had a whole summer where I asked them round about 14 times, and each time was met with a charming refusal, but no counter offer, and all the time the kids were asking when could they see them. I kept trying because of the kids, but it just got to the stage where I felt that the kids were getting too upset by it (my eldest asked if she'd done something wrong and was that why SMIL didn't love her anymore) and that was it for me.

The kids ask occasionally, but generally accept that they're out of their lives now, and it's much less emotionally bumpy for them. IL's loss.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 30/11/2015 20:28

Don't worry about them not having a close relationship with extended family. Better to have friendships with families near to home than an unwilling long trip to disinterested fsmily.
I have a huge extended family, very geographically spread out, I always saw my grandparents a few times s year but I have cousins ive never met! I'm friends with a fair few on fb and keep in touch that way. Obviously not possible for your little ones, but they can choose to connect when they're older if they want to.

She clearly doesn't want the relationship with your kids that you want, so stop forcing it. Stop making the effort and upsetting yourself when she's not bothered. Family really isn't the be all and end all! It's lovely for cousins to be close, but not practical in many families, we still grow up as normal social people, I promise!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/11/2015 20:34

If your extended family aren't interested in your children enough to visit, then you shouldn't be forcing that relationship. What kind of message does that send to your DC?

All this one way travel is like chasing someone down the street shouting "Love me, love me, you must love me! I want you to love me! How dare you not love me!"

Don't do that. It's not good for anyone involved.

LuluJakey1 · 30/11/2015 20:41

Well just don't go and see her at Christmas or any other time next year and see what she does.

I couldn't be bothered trailing Ds all over the place. We take turns with PIL- who live about 130 miles away. Sometimes we just meet somewhere half way on a Saturday for lunch and tea.

They come up here about 3 times a year and we go there 2 or 3. If they didn't come up here, we would not increase the number of times we go down there.

If she can't be bothered, she can't be bothered. If she can't be bothered, I wouldn't be bothered. I am not a huge children person- apart from my own. I wouldn't trail down or up the country to see someone else's children- people always think their children are much more interesting to other people than they are. I am just not that interested in them- including my own godchildren- one of whom moved to Leicester and I have never seen her again.

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2015 21:41

You know what though

All of your posts are about your sister seeing your kids and your kids seeing your sister.

Maybe...just maybe she'd like to feel that you want to see her, and that it's not just about what you want for your kids?

You were sisters for a long time before the kids came along.

Why not try that angle? Perhaps suggest that you could do something together, just you and her?

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