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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not like dd (13) today?

31 replies

wannanewone · 22/11/2015 19:25

I am in tears. DD has been difficult all day, since I said she couldn*t go to a concert next friday. she has been fighting with her sister all fucking day long - teasing, winding her up, threw glass of water at her (not sure if true, as I wasnt in the room at the time). She has just spent 20 mins shouting at me, stood in my way, I had to push past her to get out of the room, physically threatened me, called me all sorts of names. I kept calm at first but then I have lost my cool with her, and shouted too. She is now in her room. I really dont like her Sad
I don´t know what to do...

OP posts:
laffymeal · 22/11/2015 19:43

Did you have a good reason for saying she couldn't go to the concert? She might be taking the stance that if you take things off her for no reason there's no point in behaving well.

AgentZigzag · 22/11/2015 19:50

Stand firm, she's punishing you for punishing her don't let her get to you Flowers

Leave her to cool down tonight (send her to bed if she keeps playing up like a toddler Wink ), you did the right thing keeping calm until it was clear she was taking the piss and then losing your cool, she needs to know you mean business.

Start tomorrow as if nothing's happened, don't back down on the concert but there's no need to be anything other than your usual cheery self.

IonaNE · 22/11/2015 19:51

I can't believe laffymeal's response.
OP, a 13-year-old can't be shouting at you, calling you names or physically threaten you Shock. You must get the reins back.

AgentZigzag · 22/11/2015 19:53

Just out of interest what did she do/say to physically threaten you? Whatever it was shit like definitely needs nipping in the bud.

What gave her the idea that it's a viable option in an argument and do you think she would ever follow through with any threats?

AgentZigzag · 22/11/2015 19:57

I don't see the shouting as that much of a problem Iona, it's not ideal but people have to have some way of expressing their frustration, rational calm discourse doesn't always cut it when you're angry. The physical threats are a different kettle of fish.

TheSnowFairy · 22/11/2015 20:05

Agree with Agent's first response. DS1 has lost his phone for 2 days for telling me to sod off.

Stand your ground and have Wine...

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 22/11/2015 20:06

I will think it's a very rare parent who has never shouted at thier child. Unless that parent has a baby.

It's not ideal, but sometimes tempers get the better of a person.

Op get your self a nice drink of your choice and have a calm down.

Then discuss this behaviour in the morning when both of you are in a better head space.

Original poster
wannanewone · 22/11/2015 20:08

Yes, I did have a few good reasons. It is a proper pop concert (not a school concert), across town, she is only just 13 and wants to go with another friend of the same age. They are just too young. I can`t go with them on this occassion. I find those good reasons, aren´t they?

That discussion was pretty normal, she was angry (which I understand) and let me know it, but not out of order.

And I took her phone off her after putting up with a day, and especially evening, of bad behaviour.

Thanks Agent and Iona - She was just out of control, calling me a bitch, threatening to hit me, not letting me get past her in the hall etc.

She is now in her room, but is whisteling, has just gone into her sister`s room and taken a photo Hmm.

I hope she stops soon and just goes to bed, exhausted - like toddlers do. I am not sure I can start tomorrow as normal again though. Won´t she just see that as me being weak?

OP posts:
Original poster
wannanewone · 22/11/2015 20:10

Thanks, Snow and Piper. cross-posted and now off to get a drink Wine

OP posts:
laffymeal · 22/11/2015 20:10

Er, I'm not condoning the girl's behaviour, I'm asking for some clarification for not allowing the concert to get some background, bog off with your knee jerk responses.

laffymeal · 22/11/2015 20:11

Cross post with ops explanation.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/11/2015 20:44

Oh the whistling Angry, one of mine does this and it gives me the serious rage, how I haven't slapped her I don't know.

AgentZigzag · 22/11/2015 21:25

'They are just too young. I can`t go with them on this occassion. I find those good reasons, aren´t they?'

Apart from discussing it your DD's Dad, you don't have to justify why she's not going to anyone, posters on here or your DD.

You really need to clamp down on her calling you a bitch, threatening to hit you, not letting you get past her Shock she needs to find ways of letting you know she's pissed off (which is perfectly fine) without resulting to bullying you.

And if you want her to stop and go to bed just fucking tell her! The way you've written that last bit is like you're scared of her/her reaction.

My DD (15) hasn't done the name calling/threats etc (she wouldn't fucking dare) but she does strop if I'm not doing as I'm told, even though she knows it's never an effective technique to manipulate someone.

AgentZigzag · 22/11/2015 21:26

Resorting not resulting, can't even use predictive text as an excuse because I'm on the computer Grin

Oxfordblue · 22/11/2015 21:41

Sorry to hear your tale.

I agree, fwiw, about not letting her go to the concert.

Ref her behaviour, well unfortunately we have similar issues with our year 8 12 yr DD.

DH is reading The Explosive Child (bought 2nd on Amazon was cheapest) whilst I'm not making excusing for your Dd, it would appear some kids can't cope with the unexpected & have these explosions.
A suggestion might be, I'm sorry that you can't go to the concert, we can't take you there / back, I expect yore really disappointed because I know you'd hope to go. Then if she explodes, you just leave her, don't engage etc.

We have taken DDs phone off her, I've taken the lead from her radio away (& can't find it) & we have restricted & are controlling her computer usages. She's allowed her phone when tasks. ie, hang up your uniform & put your clothes away, are completed. So it's been over 10 hrs since she's had her phone.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 22/11/2015 22:31

I would use the concert as a tool.

You could say that as you can't listen to simple instructions inside the house then how can you be trusted to listen to my instructions outside.

I'm a firm believer that trust has to be earned, to me her
Behaviour demonstrate that she is too immature to go on her own.

YouTheCat · 22/11/2015 22:38

Totally agree that she is too young to go. She's clearly demonstrated this by her behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/11/2015 22:53

I like the 'show me' method. OK so DD thinks she is old enough to go to the concert. Every single behaviour from fighting with DSis to screaming and shouting shows you that you are right, she can't make good choices currently. So she is too young.

Calm and quiet. Neutral time discussion about how mature behaviours result in mature treats. Not from this to a concert alone, but more freedom. Maybe going to the shops with her friends alone or whatever.

Oxford is right. Some children are not adaptable. This results in lots of emotion when things change or disappointments happen. Teaching how to self-regulate so that she can cope with this is important. In the moment though, empathy then leave.

Handywoman · 22/11/2015 22:56

OP I had a recent gradual war-of-attrition over the course of a week from dd1 (12yo) where her attitude was awful and got worse and worse. I am a v calm parent and she is naturally a placid kid. But was testing me this that week for whatever reason. Eventually she pushed me too far and I lost control and pointed and shouted and swore in her face and sent her to bed at 7pm.

The next day she was still stripy but she was grounded and lost laptop/phone for 2 weeks.

Worked a treat. No harm done. Sometimes the boundaries need to be clearly marked. People sometimes snap and it's healthy for her to know you have your limits.

horrible at the time but also normal.

Thanks
Original poster
wannanewone · 23/11/2015 05:15

Many thanks for your support, flowers, wine and sharing your experiences too.
She is definitely explosive. I will have a look at that book. I did explain the reasons why she couldn't go to concert calmly. Thinking about it, this was building up as she has been horrible a few times during the week, she blames me when things go wrong and I am expected to rescue her- lost keys, broken bags, lost school things: all my fault.
Sleep, even if slept dreadfully, has put some distance and perspective on it all.
Have a good start to the week, i am hoping for one hereSmile

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/11/2015 05:23

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/emotional-intelligence/persistence Have a read.

Mistigri · 23/11/2015 06:03

wanna if it's any consolation, my DD had her moments not unlike your daughter's when she was a bit younger. She is 14 now and mostly pleasant, mature, reasonable and trustworthy, although when she is frustrated she still occasionally decides it's all my fault.

There is nothing wrong with getting angry yourself from time to time, when it's merited - I think it does teenagers good to see that their behaviour upsets and angers others - though this only works as a "shock tactic" if you are usually a calm and reasonable parent.

Re the concert, many venues have age restrictions for unaccompanied youngsters, so refusing wasn't unreasonable, but you need to start thinking about what you WILL allow as your daughter gets older and wants more independence.

laffymeal · 23/11/2015 07:55

I found 13 the worst age for dd re behaviour and emotional outbursts, it does get better, good luck op.

ProfGrammaticus · 23/11/2015 08:00

Concerts in our city usually require anyone under 14 to be accompanied by an over 18 - it might be worth checking the website.

Mistigri · 23/11/2015 09:03

In my experience of taking DD to gigs, almost nowhere allows under 14s unaccompanied (though how strictly this would be enforced in practice I don't know) and a lot of places don't allow under 14s full stop.