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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to nephew's christening - AIBU?

50 replies

nearlyhadenough · 15/11/2015 18:28

My DB (half brother - we share our dad) and SIL had a baby in a few months ago, today they had him christened.

I found out through a FaceBook private message addressed to me, my DD and DS and another 2 family members (aunt and distant cousin).

The message said that they'd had the christening with family and God Parents and would be having a gathering next weekend if we would like to attend.

I sat and cried....... can't decide if it sadness or anger!

My DF died earlier in the year and it feels like I not only lost him - but that I lost the whole that complete side of my family, or AIBU?

OP posts:
SpanglesGalloway · 15/11/2015 18:29

Was there other extended family there or was it just parents,baby and godparents?

SpanglesGalloway · 15/11/2015 18:32

Just seen that you said "with family" so there was quiet a gathering and you were not asked. That is unacceptable. My best friends had baby christened just them 2 baby and church members as godparents as they didn't agree with asking people who didn't believe in God to be godparents or come to the church. However had they invited some family members/ some friends this would be unacceptable and very upsetting I can understand why your upset of this was the case and definatly should air this Flowers

Original poster
nearlyhadenough · 15/11/2015 18:34

I'm not 100% sure who was there - from the message I can deduce my DS and BIL, Stepmum, her parents and brother and parents from SIL side.

OP posts:
Original poster
nearlyhadenough · 15/11/2015 18:36

Thank you, Spangles

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 15/11/2015 18:36

But you ARE family! I would say to them that you would have loved to have been included and that it hurt your feelings. Tell them the loss of your Dad makes family ties even more important to you and you hope his death won't create any distance.

Poor you. Flowers

SpanglesGalloway · 15/11/2015 18:37

I would definatly suggest having a word with your brother and asking (calmly) for an explanation as to why no invite was given. There may be a good explanation. Are you religious and believe in christening or baptism or do you think they thought you would be happy just to attend the party to celebrate the baby joining the family?

SpanglesGalloway · 15/11/2015 18:38

Either way though- I really think you should have been pre warned and given an option :(

ratspeaker · 15/11/2015 18:41

But they've asked you to a gathering next weekend so you're not totally excluded

PennyHasNoSurname · 15/11/2015 18:44

I expect they just wanted a tiny gathering with godparents. It is nice that they are still having a gathering for wider family next week. Are you religious? Maybe if you are not theyve assumed its not your scene?

Id just respond "that will be lovely, hope you had a wonderful day, cant wait to see the photos"

Rise above it.

MissBattleaxe · 15/11/2015 18:45

I'm not 100% sure who was there - from the message I can deduce my DS and BIL, Stepmum, her parents and brother and parents from SIL side.

Well in that case you should definitely have been invited!

MidnightAura · 15/11/2015 18:48

Yanbu, I would be hurt too.

llhj · 15/11/2015 18:53

Oh hon, that's hurtful. I would ask him why and just gently note your disappointment, then buy a lovely pressie and put your best face on and go along next week.

BlueBlueSea · 15/11/2015 19:07

It seems that they wanted a small christening, and not wanting members of the family to feel left out they are going to have a gathering with wider family. I think that is nice, try not to read so much into it.

There is usually some drama around family weddings and christening, be above that and congratulate them and have a nice time at the christening party.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 15/11/2015 19:14

It does sound hurtful Flowers

I would try to separate in your mind how much of this is genuinely your anger at being not invited and how much so wrapped up in your grief for your father. How close were you before your family loss? How much is this really just about them wanting to keep the actual service small.

Sounds like it's all so raw for you still xx

Senpai · 15/11/2015 19:15

It could have been parents, grandparents, and god parents. That's a reasonable guest list for an actual Christening if they wanted a small quiet one. Then a larger gathering for the party.

For the sake of being a part of your nephew's life, I'd let it go and show up with a nice present and say how excited you are to see him. Or if you're closer you can just ask why you weren't invited when other siblings were.

Flowers
Savagebeauty · 15/11/2015 19:17

We only had godparents at ours. Didn't have grandparents either.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 15/11/2015 19:22

Well if he doesn't see op as close family, that's his choice, isn't it? It's not up to anyone here to say she should have been invited.

ethelb · 15/11/2015 19:30

@constance if however, the OP thought that they were close family and that feeling is not reciprocated that is pretty rough. DS - was her son invited? If so he was complicit in keeping this from her. You must have to really not like someone to do that.

Other people saying they only invited GPs and Godparents that's fair enough, but that isn't what happened here. Great grandparents were invited by the sounds of it. Are they really closer than an aunt?

Viviennemary · 15/11/2015 19:35

It's hurtful to be left out when you think you should have been invited. If other brothers and sisters and relatives were invited you should have been there too. I wouldn't tackle them as to why you weren't invited. If somebody upset me so much I cried I would certainly not go to the other occasion next week and not be bothering with them for the forseeable future.

ethelb · 15/11/2015 19:36

Just saw OPs dad died recently too. I don't think this was a great time for the family to reveal that they don't want as much to do with her as before.

This is quite a touchy area for people who's parent split up and then remarried and I think the step brother and step mum could be a bit more sensitive about this. No, they don't have to include her if they don't want to, but excluding her from something involving a nephew she obviously wants to be involved with is not a nice way to do this to a still probably grieving close relative.

ethelb · 15/11/2015 19:36

*half brother! (not step obvs)

GigiB · 15/11/2015 20:07

It really doesn't sound like he meant to hurt you. I think he sounds nice. Its thoughtful to do a separate party.

We just had godparents and parents at our christenings, (just people who were part of the service). We then did a separate partly another time too. COE christening are often small, with just the participants.

I really don't think you should take offence, as it doesn't sound like it was intended. Buy the baby a lovely present and go to the party with a smile on your face next week.

Original poster
nearlyhadenough · 15/11/2015 22:05

Thanks for all your replies.
Not sure what I will do about the gathering next week, at the moment I don't think I could face them. But I am able to see where many of you are coming from when you suggest turning up with a lovely present.....

It was up to DB and SOL to decide who was there, it just hurts and that is for me to deal with.

OP posts:
EastMidsMummy · 15/11/2015 22:09

You're not being unreasonable to feel upset - you feel what you feel.

But they are within their rights to invite who they want. And you have been invited to a celebration.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2015 22:43

Op Yanbu to be hurt, are you and your half brother close? It certainly seems like your an afterthought, and not considered close by him, and that woukd hurt. Are you going next week?

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