Not invited to nephew's christening - AIBU?

[nearlyhadenough]

My DB (half brother - we share our dad) and SIL had a baby in a few months ago, today they had him christened.

I found out through a FaceBook private message addressed to me, my DD and DS and another 2 family members (aunt and distant cousin).

The message said that they'd had the christening with family and God Parents and would be having a gathering next weekend if we would like to attend.

I sat and cried....... can't decide if it sadness or anger!

My DF died earlier in the year and it feels like I not only lost him - but that I lost the whole that complete side of my family, or AIBU?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I understand why you feel hurt but you have been invited to a celebration next week. I would go along with a smile on your face. You don't know why you weren't invited to the Christening nor who was invited so you can't really judge if there was an underlying motive. If you don't go to the do next weekend there is a danger that you will be seen to be snubbing them rather than the other way around.
These sorts of family situations can easily turn into a minefield or a breakdown of relations especially if people are feeling vulnerable.
If you are afraid of losing your half brother then not going to the party isn't going to help keep a good relationship.
Sorry about your Dad

[Kintan]

How close are you to your DB and SIL? I think looking for a positive, they sent you a private message that was addressed to you and other family members - that is you weren't sent a group message that included friends, so they obviously see you as family, but maybe not immediate family?

[sykadelic]

Before you decide what to do, I think you should find out if your sister and her husband also attended/were invited.

For all you know, she didn't attend and isn't invited to this gathering either.

You're right, it's up to them who is invited but it certainly make you wonder how they feel about you. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking your brother (not SIL) whether you've done something to upset them (which sounds better than sounding angry and demanding to know why you were excluded).

[Anomaly]

Any chance DB was supposed to invite his family and SIL hers? How reliable is DB?

[ConstanceMarkYaBitch]

If you don't go to the celebration you are invited to because you weren't invited to a different one, all you'll really achieve is making the gap between you wider. You'll confirm to them that you aren't close.

I can see how its upsetting for you. But I'm guessing that you didn't grow up together/ live together? It isn't unusual for people in that setup to see the half part of half sibling as pertinent when choosing who is close family and who isn't. Either way I'd be talking to him and not anyone here.

[SzeliMac]

I'd go all smiles but would be asking slightly 'loaded' questions.

"So what made you decide to have a private ceremony?"

"So just 3 of you at the baptism? How special! I love that it was all about babys name" and if they respond with "No, close family too."

"Oh my goodness, I feel terrible! Honestly, the invite never came through. I feel really rude, we'd have obviously come as well. You should have called when I didn't reply!" etc etc

But then I'm rather passive aggressive by nature

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm not 100% sure who was there - from the message I can deduce my DS and BIL, Stepmum, her parents and brother and parents from SIL side.

So your sister and her husband? And the brother of the baby's mother? Could they have been named Godparents and that's why they were there? Because then it would have been the baby and parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and godparents. Otherwise, I think it was a bit thoughtless or uncaring to invite your sister/BiL and the Brother (on SiL's side) and not you.

I second a pp in asking if there has been some sort of 'upset' between you that you aren't aware of. I wouldn't say "Why wasn't I invited?".

[millionsmom]

Op, my dear brother invited only close family without children to his dds christening. And his wife's 2 brothers. And their young children. To say I felt gutted isn't the word. We were quite close too. He certainly came to my DC christenings.
And no one thought it was a bit nasty? Our dear parents certainly didn't think so. But then, they thought telling me that everyone was going on a lovely family holiday to Spain the following year and that my parents were going to help me. Not with help paying- I was a single mum of 4 after divorcing my abusive exh - but by taking 2 of my children this time and 2 the next.

I would send a card and a nice gift but I wouldn't go to the pity party they're holding next week.

[MagicMojito]

I think yabu. I also think that the posters saying that the stepbrother was BU are also being U.

IMO, Its not at all unreasonable for the parents of the child to invite whoever they want to their own child's christening.

Yanbu to be confused and hurt by it though, I think I might be if i were you too. Although you have not exactly been snubbed as you have been invited to the seperate party next week. I bet that there will be a reason behind it all. Its more than likely that they wanted to have a celebration including everyone but wanted to keep certain people apart. Keep an eye out for guests who attended the ceremony but who are absent from the upcoming celebration party.

Sorry about the loss of your dad x

[MagicMojito]

*half brother (sorry)

[Scoobydoo8]

I'm surprised you are so upset. Possibly the SB's wife just rattled off the invites, wanting a small ceremony and didn't think of you and the 4 others you mention.

I can see they prob should have included you but new baby etc, busy busy time.

You could just say that you would have loved to be at the ceremony! Then they'll probably invite you next time.

[BalloonSlayer]

Look it could be that they had the christening as part of the church service, went home and got on with the day and the actual party/welcome celebration is next week?

Are you religious? Could it be that they are and they didn't think sitting through a whole hour + service would be your cup of tea

Could it be that the church was sniffy about Christening parties inviting throngs of people? (Highly unlikely, I grant you.)

Some people hate going to church - might they think you do?

I think you're going to have to call them on it if you want an explanation. "I thought we WERE family. I am your sister. I am really hurt," - see what they say.

[Pseudo341]

Is it possible DBs mum didn't want you there? Your dad didn't leave her for your mum or anything like that? If SILs brother was invited then obviously you'd be upset not to be invited. I think carry on and show up with a big present and an even bigger smile next week. You don't know what's going on behind the scenes but getting funny with them about it will only make matters worse I'm afraid. That really sucks though, YA definitely NBU to be upset.

[Pohtaytoh]

OP i had my DD christened some months ago. We invited my parents, dh parents', my DB (a godparent) and dd's other 2 godparents and their Partners. My DSIL was not invited, even though we are close, because if we invited her family we had to invite my BIL and family which would have taken our party of 11 to 20. Then dh aunt would have been upset, as we are closer to her than BIL, but if we invited DH aunt we would have had to invite all my & dh's aunts and uncles. Then in addition to all the food and drink we would have had to hire a venue to fit everyone in.
DSIL understood, but then she did the same with her DD, and we explained our reasoning before.

Perhaps as PP said your DB couldn't have the celebration straight after the ceremony, many churches do christenings only on 1 or 2 services a month, so they had the service with just godparents & GPs, perhaps you SIL's sister was a godparent. But you are still invited to the main celebration.

Are you normally involved in your DNephew's life? My cousin is still not speaking to me because she wasn't asked to be godmother let alone not invited to the christening. She doesn't go to church, she hasn't shown any interest in my daughter, never asks after her. she just wanted the title. I'm not saying you are like this OP, but inclusion is a 2 way street.

You will only know if you ask. I would go to the party, take a nice gift (a wooden shape sorter Noah's Ark is a good shout) and perhaps mention to DB you were hurt not to be invited to the service, but you understand they wanted to keep it small. Continue to be involved in their lives and maybe you will be asked to be godmother to any further children they have.

There could be a mean motive behind your exclusion, but the fact you are imvited to a christening celebration indicates you are important to them.

for the loss of your DF

[bluebolt]

I just find it strange to have two events. I understand people wanting a small christening but not then following it up with another event a week later. Maybe he was just trying to keep harmony of a blended family.

[LagunaBubbles]

I'm another one finding it a bit odd having 2 "events" for the Christening, its like and A and B list! I don't blame you for being hurt at being left out (regardless of it being their choice who to invite) and would ask why, these things tend to cause longer term fall outs when they simmer away.

[nearlyhadenough]

Again, thank you all - it is good to see a balance of opinions.

The christening was not in a main service and there were also friends there as well - have seen pictures on FaceBook.

I am feeling slightly better about it today and I will spend time after work tomorrow finding a gift.

I think this is more about me feeling that I have started to lose that half of my family rather than this actual event.

[anothermakesthree]

I'm a bit confused was your sister (you say DS was there with BIL) invited to your DB's Childs christening, but you weren't?

[nearlyhadenough]

Anothermakesthree

Yes, my DS and her husband were there, as were my SIL's 2 brothers. I wasn't.

[ethelb]

If this was a wedding thread with ceremony guests and evening guests you would have got some quite different answers

[Fratelli]

Op I think you're right when you say it's more about feeling like you're losing that side of your family. But you don't have to. Maybe organise going round to spend time with them all? Having a new baby is such a busy time. for you

[Wigglebummunch31]

Is your DS also a half sibling? Not that I think that matters but I'm just wondering.

I would not go next week but I would pop a card and gift in the post for the child. I'd possibly message back to say I was feeling very hurt at not being invited. All depends what you want out of the situation, I'd want to know why though.

[ZoeTurtle]

YANBU for feeling upset.

YWBU to bring it up with your brother, in my opinion. Everybody should be able to invite whoever they like to celebrate their special moments and not feel forced to invite people out of guilt.

Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your relationship with your brother but it's really not his problem if you think of him as closer family than he thinks of you.

[MissBattleaxe]

OP, that's awful. I think you are within reason to discreetly ask your brother if you have upset him or SIL. I'm sure you haven't but that could open the door to asking why you were excluded. It's very sad for you that so many were there but not you. He is of course within his rights to invite who he wants, but it won't hurt to find out why you, his sister, was arbitrarily excluded when others weren't.

[hibbleddible]

Op it sounds hurtful, but I would hope it is not meant to be.

It is common to have only godparents and immediate family at christenings, and they are inviting you to a gathering later.