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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I let it go or say something?

27 replies

ymba · 15/11/2015 14:44

Many years ago at university I moved in with two people. I'll call them Sarah and Liz.

At the time I hadn't found anywhere to live and I heard through a friend of a friend that Liz was looking for a 3rd housemate so I contacted Liz. I knew of her and we weren't exactly close friends but she responded and said they needed a 3rd housemate and thus I moved in.

I should add that Sarah and Liz were best friends at this time.

When I moved in Sarah was courteous to me but I could see she just saw me as the added extra to make the house full. Over time Sarah and I became incredibly close. We'd speak all day, meet up during lunch breaks and borrowed each others clothes. We become best friends.

A year or so ago, Liz and Sarah had an argument which pretty much terminated their friendship. It was about Liz not liking Sarah's new boyfriend and wanting to control her. I stayed out of it but was always a listening ear to Sarah. Liz also said she disliked how close Sarah and I had become. I understand this but I never got involved in their friendship.

Now my AIBU. One night (when we were at Uni) we were all preparing to go out Sarah's phone buzzed and she asked me to read out the message as she was rushing up the stairs, the message was pretty simple - it regarded a confirmation of a pizza she'd ordered but at the same time Liz texted her. I was slightly confused that Liz would text her when we are all in the same house, surely she could have just gone to her room and spoken to her. I then read the subsequent messages between them and it transpired that Sarah and Liz had always been talking badly about me.

Fast forward many years later, I am now still incredibly close with Sarah and we talk every day but I can't get over why she spoke so badly about me in her texts to Liz. Should I confront her or just get over it?

OP posts:
GloriaHotcakes · 15/11/2015 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2015 14:47

Many years later? Confused

What did you say at the time?

Original poster
ymba · 15/11/2015 14:49

I also think I've missed my chance. But it still plays in the back of my mind when we speak now. I just can't seem to get over it. We were very close at that point. She is in fact my best friend.

At the time I didn't say anything.

OP posts:
ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 15/11/2015 14:51

To confront her you would have to admit you were mooching through her phone, which you had no right to do, then explain why you haven't brought it up for year and years. I'd leave it.

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2015 14:54

Just leave it in the past.

She might not even be able to remember what the texts were about after many years.

stoppingbywoods · 15/11/2015 15:17

I don't know how you could continue being friends. How can you be incredibly close after that? Isn't being incredibly close rather unhealthy, anyway? It all sounds a bit housewives of cheshire.

TwoSmellyDogs · 15/11/2015 15:22

She probably felt bad about sidelining her other friend and was trying, in a clumsy immature way, to appease her. I wouldn't give it any more headspace if I were you. Should be lesson learned for you though - there are no winners in snooping!

Merguez · 15/11/2015 15:29

Leave it in the past and move on.

fortifiedwithtea · 15/11/2015 15:31

Weird. Sarah's phone would register that the text had been opened surely meaning she knew that you had read it.

Let it go its in the past. But Sarah sounds a bit two faced if your want my opinion.

WickedWax · 15/11/2015 15:33

I think you've missed the boat when it comes to saying something.

But I don't think I'd get past it, and I wouldn't have remained 'incredibly close' anyway.

Is she still friends with Liz?

ghostspirit · 15/11/2015 15:36

what would be the point? it would just cause bad feelings cant change the past anyway so really no point.

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 15:37

Im a bit like this and it would stick with me too so I would have to ask. Nothing hugely dramatic just bring it up if the chance arises.

In all honesty, I would have also snooped.

Moonax · 15/11/2015 15:43

How long ago is "many years"?

The time to deal with it was then, not now. If you're still friends after that, then I think you have to accept that it's done and bringing it up now would be a mistake. There is a good chance that Sarah won't have any idea what you're talking about and you then have to deal with a lot of explanations which may well fray the friendship you have now.

Just out of curiosity, why do you suddenly want to bring it up with Sarah? Has anything happened to trigger the old memory?

pinotblush · 15/11/2015 15:57

Sometimes people do move on but there is that "Elephant in the Room" still. Just have a chat with her if it still bothers you.

If you are close, she will apologise for saying mean things about you in the past.

winkywinkola · 15/11/2015 16:23

It seems that Sarah isn't really such a good friend anyway.

I don't get how you could have read their texts and seen how two faced Sarah is and still been friends with her.

Why would you?

I'm not surprised it preys on your mind when you've seen exactly how Sarah can be behind your back.

You could bring it up now - how many years later? But I don't think any good will come of it.

GabiSolis · 15/11/2015 16:45

No good will come of bringing this up now, so by all means do it but accept that if you do it is very likely the friendship will end. Tbh, I'm not sure how you stayed friends after that. Someone who backstabs you once will certainly do it again.

lazycoo · 15/11/2015 16:50

I can see why you would want to discuss it with her but chances are no good will come of this. What is it you want? Would an apology really make you forget it?

Original poster
ymba · 15/11/2015 17:09

winkywinkola It's been 10 years later

OP posts:
Original poster
ymba · 15/11/2015 17:11

pinotblush That would be my ideal situation but I fear that it won't work out that way

OP posts:
Spilose · 15/11/2015 17:12

Personally I never could have continued a friendship with her for so long without bringing it up so I'm finding it hard to put myself in your shoes. Surely that must be damaging to your self esteem?
I probably would leave it.

Original poster
ymba · 15/11/2015 17:13

WickedWax She is not friends with Liz any longer. Their friendship died a horrible death.

OP posts:
Original poster
ymba · 15/11/2015 17:15

TwoSmellyDogs I agree in the main with what you've said. But I didn't go 'snooping'

OP posts:
maggieryan · 15/11/2015 17:23

Depends on what the texts said. What did they say?. Still probably too long. How did you last that long without saying it. Surely in last ten years you've had at least one boozy night out where you get into deep conversations etc. Or maybe that's just me. I'd never have been able to hold something like that in for ten years! What did they say (genuinely interested or maybe im just being a bit nosey )Smile

LuluJakey1 · 15/11/2015 17:24

My problem would be I would not really trust her- don't think I could get past that without talking to her; otherwise I would always wonder.

Trills · 15/11/2015 17:33

You ask "should I let it go?"

Given that you're asking us about it 10 years later - do you think you CAN let it go?