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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell Dd's dad to do one?

29 replies

Anybodyout123 · 14/11/2015 18:30

Dd (1) dad is a pain in the arse, he have split and so far he just make constant demands on what contact he wants, he demands certain days times etc and I alway agree then at the last minute he will change them or leave 4 hours early ect!

So this week he has been a total arse, sends constant stream of texts, emails, call etc basically he is not happy because I wouldn't give him my house this weekend so he could spend the night with dd, basically his latest is he things every other weekend me and my older dc should vacate the house so he can have a weekend with his daughter (he us unable to have her where he is living!

So today he diesnt turn up even though last night I got a drunken misspelled text saying he would be here in the morning, so after not arriving this morning 2 hours later u get a text to say he isn't coming as he has flu (ok I know he is hanging he has drink problems but didn't say anything) then at 5pm tonight I get a text saying he will come over tomorrow!

Firstly tomorrow is my day with my children and myself nor them want him parking his arse in my lounge all day

So I texted back saying as he has flu think he should leave it until next week as I don't want kids catching it and I can't afford to take time off work, he texts back saying that he now feels better and WILL BE OVER TO SEE HIS DAUGHTER TOMORROW

now would I be unreasonable to tell him no and make sure I'm out?

I have tried my hardest to be flexible but he is getting unbearable, he us not in her birth cert (his choice missed two appointments) and is now demanding I out her on it,

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 14/11/2015 18:34

Nope. Go out and make sure your house is secure.

gamerchick · 14/11/2015 18:37

Make sure you're out.

My ex is similar, I let my youngest make his own choices on contact and he doesn't want to see him this week and I certainly don't want the fucker in my house. He said if he took me to court the bairn wouldn't have a choice and I pointed out if he took me to court he would have to pay child support. I got told to go fuck myself.

Stay firm with the twat, give yourself firm boundaries and stick with them and certainly don't give up your house for a weekend.. What a bellend Hmm

RandomMess · 14/11/2015 18:38

Nope just go out and stop being flexible. It will be awful to start with but it's better than being messed around.

Stop replying to texts etc. offer fixed contact days and times and do not deviate from them!

Leelu6 · 14/11/2015 18:40

YANBU. I would go out tomorrow.

I would also tell him he can't have his visits with DD at your house (unless you prefer this, of course).

Vacate your house for the weekend?! Where are you supposed to go??!!

honeyroar · 14/11/2015 18:40

Tell him that you have plans, plans that you'd intended to do yesterday but you spent hours hanging around for him. Tell him he needs to sort his life out, respect plans, respect you and respect his daughter, otherwise you will have to go to court over it. Tell him he is quite welcome to see his daughter, but it will be at the next arranged time, you're not going to drop everything for him anymore..

Then go somewhere nice.

VocationalGoat · 14/11/2015 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GruntledOne · 14/11/2015 18:53

Tell him today was the day fixed for him to see his dd, you've already made other plans for tomorrow, it can't be done.

You're absolutely right to tell him he can't expect to have your house for the purposes of contact. If he cares that much about seeing his dd he'll make whatever arrangements are necessary to facilitate it.

CwtchMeQuick · 14/11/2015 18:56

Tell him to do one.
I would send a text saying 'Sorry but as today was your day to see dd, I have made plans for tomorrow so will not be at home'
Then ignore him.

I also wouldn't put up with him bombarding you with messages. Tell him any unnecessary messages will be deleted and you will not reply.

I'd also tell him that you've been very flexible but it is time to sort out consistent contact days and if he cannot stick to his arrangement you will have to get a court order.

Flowers you're doing a fab job and deserve time with your kids too!

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 14/11/2015 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisappointedOne · 14/11/2015 19:24

Vacate your house for the weekend?! Where are you supposed to go??!!

My best mate's ex husband's GF (the OW) won't let his kids stay over at her house, so friend has had to vacate the house every other weekend so that he can see the kids. It's pathetic.

Original poster
Anybodyout123 · 14/11/2015 20:04

Ok I basically told him to do one and that the constant stream if contact has to stop! He replied pleasure......court it is!

Petrified that court will force me to out him on birth cert and give I'm full access plus holidays!

Reason he has contact here is because he can't be trusted, leaves her in bath at 6 months old unattended he has drink problems, drink drives etc etc, I have evidence of this and also everything from the day I got pregnsnt was logged with my MW/HV so hoping if it went to court their support for me would help

OP posts:
anotherbloomingusername · 14/11/2015 20:10

Right, so if you have evidence of drink driving and irresponsible behaviour then you won't have to worry about court. They will insist on supervised access in a contact centre. Not in your house. That's just not appropriate. Also, No one can force you to put him on a birth certificate!

gamerchick · 14/11/2015 20:10

Just keep everything logged.

As an aside, can he afford to take you to court? Haven't they asked off legal aid in this area? (Would like to know this myself).

Esmeismyhero · 14/11/2015 20:10

Anybody don't worry about his talk of court. They would not let some flakey, alcoholic have unsupervised access.

He has to pay to go to court and that's after he tries mediation.

Let him crack on, it really boils my piss when non resident parents fuck the kids and parent around then throw "court" around like its so easy and a judge will say "oh yes give this drunk, useless fucker full custody with bells on"

angry

Esmeismyhero · 14/11/2015 20:12
Angry
Gobletofgin · 14/11/2015 20:14

The is no legal aid for private family law, unless there has been reported domestic violence, so he will have to pay to,go to court for contact.

RatherBeRiding · 14/11/2015 20:22

Please don't be so afraid of court that you play right into his hands by backing down- his talk of court is an empty threat and I will lay a pound to a penny that a prize prick like this will never get his act together enough to negotiate the court process!

And even in the very very very unlikely event it did get as far as court - no, no-one can order you to name him on the birth certificate. This can ONLY ever happen with the mother's full consent. So don't consent!

And he can't have DD stay at his? He won't get residence rights then, will he?

It's all bluster and threats. Stand firm - call his bluff and watch him crumble!

Original poster
Anybodyout123 · 14/11/2015 20:23

Ok not sure he knows how much it will cost especially as I will contest everything so it will really drag out!

Reassuring to know that I can't me forced to add him to birth cert! He didn't want the baby and was bloody awful, I dcr used to keep her on my own and offered him the door but since she has been born he has been a pain in the arse especially as his 12 year old son now has refused to see him for the past year as he is a loser and just spent his contact time with him laying on sofa hanging, that the days he bothered picking him up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Anybodyout123 · 14/11/2015 20:25

Oh he is planning on moving into his own place In next few months so that's when he is hoping to have her EOW

If he isn't on birth cert can he even get contact?

OP posts:
Esmeismyhero · 14/11/2015 20:35

Asaik (my dsis is going through similar but they are at court stage)

They would allowe supervised contact and you can specify. Contact centre.

They won't let you apply for a court order without doing mediation first.

Then court application is £215 if your representing yourself.

It's all very regimented and from what you have said he wouldn't do it anyway.

Empty threats and he is a wankbadger

Marilynsbigsister · 14/11/2015 20:52

As pp has said. It's £215 for the application but before it gets to a court he will have to go through mediation (another 175-250 a session in my area and they suggested 2 sessions) ... Then if no agreement can be reached it will be heard by a judge. It doesn't all get decided in one hearing though...he gets to say you are the witch from hell denying him contact..and you get to show the cafcass officer your evidence of his inappropriate useless parenting..Judge will order some reports. If you tell the court he has a drink problem, he will order a liver function test. (So he won't be able to lie) if it's bad and other bits add up, plus the view of your DC (don't coach them- it's very tempting but cafcass are EXPERTS in the insane games parents play) , all that added together if he gets to the end he will have supervised until drinking is under control for prolonged period..don't hold your breath on him not getting bored before then.

Original poster
Anybodyout123 · 14/11/2015 21:23

Thank you you have all reassured me!

Had to laugh he is stopping my £20 per week he has been giving me for the last few months to go towards the court costs

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 14/11/2015 21:40

Excellent, then it will only take him a year to save up then...but don't forget to let the court know this little gem. Did he do you the honour of letting you know this in writing per chance.. ?

Original poster
Anybodyout123 · 14/11/2015 21:48

Yes if course he did Grin

So can I just ignore any more texts etc from now on and just wait for the courts to contact me because to be honest I find him so bloody draining

OP posts:
Pipestheghost · 14/11/2015 21:52

What a dick. So glad you've had some brilliant advice on here and now you know where you stand. Good luck Flowers

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