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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is three weeks too long to come for Christmas?

34 replies

dumpylittlepixie · 12/11/2015 10:55

My DM visits us each christmas and has always stayed around two weeks which fits in with her insisting she only travels on a Sunday. (she lives over 300 miles away) She did this when the kids were young and I was then with my Ex H.
Now ten years later and I have remarried, all the children have flown the nest and the same thing has continued to happen. As we only have a small house this then has limited us to having anyone else to stay. I have never agreed to her staying so long she just does and with her being on her own and me an only child I have just gone along with it, despite DH not being happy about it.
This year we were invited to go to Berlin just before christmas to see the markets for 3 days with my eldest DS, which means we would be leaving on the day my DM arrives. She then announces that she thinks it would be a good idea to then come a week earlier which means a 3 week stay and arriving on 13th December. I am feeling so guilty but I really do not want her up for that long especially over the last week when we will both be so busy with work etc.
AIBU to ask her not to come so early?

OP posts:

weeblueberry · 12/11/2015 11:00

I really do not want her up for that long especially over the last week when we will both be so busy with work etc.

There's your answer. Yes it's too long.

momb · 12/11/2015 11:02

..or, arrive on 13th leave on 27th? Then you get NY and some of the in-between days to yourselves/other guests and friends?

LemonBreeland · 12/11/2015 11:07

Yes way too long. My DM drives me mad if she comes for more that 3 days at Christmas.

ouryve · 12/11/2015 11:16

Hell, yes!

TriJo · 12/11/2015 11:17

3 weeks is absolutely ridiculous. YADNBU.

nightandthelight · 12/11/2015 11:19

Guests are like fish, they go off after 3 days!

KinkyAfro · 12/11/2015 11:21

Personally I'd limit it to one week and even that would be too much!

Original poster

dumpylittlepixie · 12/11/2015 11:22

Thanks for your replies. yes I wouldn't mind if she did go between christmas and new year. We have never had New Year either on our own or have the opportunity to go out or have other friends to stay as DM has always been here.
She doesn't like New year anyway and we just sit until the evening is over.
What is odd is that when the kids were at home and younger she would go back just before as she was going out for NYE and would get dressed up!
My DM is ok but we haven't got a close M/D relationship, I just think guilt has got me to this spot.

OP posts:

Wineandrosesagain · 12/11/2015 11:31

Time to man up Op - you need to decide how long DM stays, not her. Why does she want to come a week earlier when you will then be away for 3 days? I think you and DH need to decide how long suits you (2-3 days is my preferred maximum for guests, but you might feel comfortable with a week?). Then speak to DM and explain that you intend to have other guests, sometimes go away for a couple of days, go out with friends for New Year etc etc, and that you and DH need some space too over the holiday period, before you go back to work. She really is not being fair on you, and whilst she will no doubt be unhappy, once you've done it this year then you've set a precedent for the future.

nightandthelight · 12/11/2015 11:32

I am intrigued, why will she only travel on a Sunday? I dont think it would be u to ask her to arrive after you get back from Berlin and leave before NYE!

EastMidsMummy · 12/11/2015 11:35

Three weeks! That's too long if she's coming from AUSTRALIA!

SweetnessNshite · 12/11/2015 11:39

I'm amazed you've put up with this that long! And your husband!

You really are going to have to bite the bullet and tell her.

ImperialBlether · 12/11/2015 11:39

Is she travelling by train? If she is, Sunday is the worst day to travel!

Original poster

dumpylittlepixie · 12/11/2015 11:39

Sunday travelling is something she has always insisted on as she thinks its quieter on the roads! I really appreciate all your comments as I did think it was me being unreasonable when she lives so far away, there are no other siblings to share the burden and she is on her own. I just have to think of a way of letting her down gently but I had hoped that she might actually come to the conclusion herself that being here for that long is a bit much!

OP posts:

nightandthelight · 12/11/2015 11:42

I am Welsh so 300 miles doesn't seem that far to me! We used to travel 500 miles to my GPS for a long weekend and that was fine.

Sounds like you just need to be firm and explain that she is welcome to stay for Christmas but only between a set of dates that you and your DH have agreed :)

SurlyValentine · 12/11/2015 11:42

Are there any special reasons why she will only travel on a Sunday, or is it just a foible/superstition thing? I'm really intrigued!

If there are genuine, non-woo reasons, I'd offer 20th to 27th. Three weeks is far too long. My mum and I have a really good mother/daughter relationship and even we'd kill each other after three weeks.

CFSsucks · 12/11/2015 11:45

It's your husbands home too and he isn't happy with it so there is your get out answer.

YANBU, what a nice thing for you to be able to do with your son. Why should your Christmas and NY be dictated to by your mum every single year. I'd go ahead with whatever I wanted at NY, I can't understand why you don't (and this is from someone who doesn't celebrate NY at all).

Tell her it's not going to work for you this year and she is more than welcome to come from X date to X (week at most?) but other than that, you have different plans this year. Bite the bullet and make this the year you start putting what you and your DH want for a change. You have done more than enough! The Sunday thing is ridiculous, I suspect she does that as a way to have to stay longer. If she insists, Sunday before Christmas to arrive and leave the Sunday after and there is your week.

SurlyValentine · 12/11/2015 11:45

Ah, x post, sorry

Could you explain to her that at that time of year, the traffic will be equally good (or bad!) whatever day she travels, so limiting herself to Sundays is unnecessary? I'd offer 23rd to 27th, then at least she gets one Sunday drive

SweetnessNshite · 12/11/2015 11:47

The Berlin Christmas markets sound lovely!

Krampus · 12/11/2015 11:51

It sounds too long, arriving after you get back from Berlin sounds the most sensible.

EnglishWeddingGuest · 12/11/2015 11:56

I think as people get older it's harder to travel - I get this all the time as our relatives come from overseas - after putting up with the extended visits I've now laid down the law - no one longer than 10 days at a time - needed to otherwise it's HotelEWG for half the year

MimsyBorogroves · 12/11/2015 11:57

Yes. I would scream.

Even 3 days would push it, sorry. not sorry

ohtheholidays · 12/11/2015 12:09

YANBU it sounds like it was about time that you started putting yourself and your DH first OP.Your Mum's had every Christmas with you for years.

Honestly there's still plenty of time before Christmas for her to make other arrangements.Why don't you see if you and your DH could have Christmas on your own this year it sounds well over due.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/11/2015 12:17

I'm impressed she has survived this long to be honest. Wow - there's a precedent. My MIL's few days got extended to a full week last year and while we all get on, it was definitely time for everyone to have some alone time by the time she left.

I think you need to say that the 13th doesn't work for you. Between work, social engagements with work and friends, and events with the kids you will all hardly be at home that week anyway. Unless you can be obtuse and say that's fine with you, you've been meaning to tell her that you are going away for NY so she'll come for her usual two weeks but leave on the 29th or whatever.

You could tell her that she is still welcome to travel down on the Sunday but that you have booked the trip to Berlin so she will be on her own in the house [handy to have a house-sitter at Christmas anyway]

Then tell her that you've been persuaded to host a NYE get together with the kids and their friends since they are home for Christmas and it's a nice way to catch up with everyone, and to bring her party frock. Of course then you'll have to actually throw a party but it really does sound like you need one

Jux · 12/11/2015 12:19

Just tell her that now the children have gone, things have changed and you have arrangements made for NYE etc (make some up if you like). Say that no, you've got a lot going on in the lead up for Xmas and that she will be welcome for a couple of days over Xmas itself, but that you have people staying for NYE or you'll be going away again on 28th or something.

Or just tell her that no, it's not OK.

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