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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I didn't do anything wrong by sleeping with someone else?

26 replies

lightupmynight · 08/11/2015 21:52

So I've been seeing a guy for just over a month .... and I also have a friends with benefits type situation with another guy.

Yes probably getting judged for that but I always use protection AND I get tested regularly.

Anyway the guy I was seeing I met on tinder and the whole time I was dating him he kept his tinder profile.

I asked him once when we were in bed together if he saw us being together and I got the reply - I don't know because I don't look that far into the future.

He found out about the other guy today, not that it was a secret and said its over between us and that I have no respect for myself and we clearly have different values and I was probably sleeping with loads of men etc

Aibu to think I did nothing wrong, and I even asked him at one point if he was seeing anyone else.

(just to say also I would never cheat on someone if they were my partner)

OP posts:

TwoTwoOneBravo · 08/11/2015 21:58

I don't think you did anything wrong either. It is foolish to ever assume exclusivity- especially if you met OLD. I would never think that unless we'd had a chat about it.

But, on the plus side, he did out himself as a sexist tool (no respect for yoursel? Probably shagging loads of men? really?) so you're well rid.

TwoTwoOneBravo · 08/11/2015 21:58

yourself obviously.

Spilose · 08/11/2015 22:00

Personally if I had been in your shoes I'd have been very clear I was seeing other people and that you weren't exclusive.

If I was him I'd not want to see you anymore either.

molyholy · 08/11/2015 22:01

No. You did nothing wrong. He sounds like a dick. 'No respect for yourself'. Cheeky fucker.

ghostyslovesheep · 08/11/2015 22:03

YANBU and had a lucky escape - he sounds like a right twat

molyholy · 08/11/2015 22:04

Why would he assume they were exclusive? He basically said he didn't see a future with the OP. He wanted to keep his options open, but the op wasn't allowed to?

SanityClause · 08/11/2015 22:04

What TwoTwoOne said.

Spilose · 08/11/2015 22:06

I didn't say that. I said if I was him. Personally I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who was also sleeping with someone else. Dating is different. His reaction was ridiculous though

TimeToMuskUp · 08/11/2015 22:06

I don't think YABU at all; if you've not discussed exclusivity and he's still openly on Tinder and making no noises about wanting or needing any form of exclusivity, he's a little daft for presuming. He's also a huge prick for assuming that you're sleeping about and lacking in self respect, and if I'm honest, it's better to see that side of someone before you get too invested.

catfordbetty · 08/11/2015 22:07

Age old double standards. The man is a player the woman is a slag.

AliceInHinterland · 08/11/2015 22:08

I can understand why he was hurt, he may have been putting on a front about the commitment thing, and you probably dented his ego. He could have checked if he was that bothered though, and he lost all moral high ground with his pathetic comments. I wonder if he says stuff like that to his male friends who have any overlap of sexual partners?

AliceInHinterland · 08/11/2015 22:10

I get Spilose's point though it's nicer to be clear that you're not exclusive to avoid any confusion in the first place.

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 08/11/2015 22:12

Just dented his ego. YANBU.

OTheHugeManatee · 08/11/2015 22:13

You didn't do anything wrong. But more men than you think still hold the double standard that says men shagging around = stud but woman shagging around = slapper.

You dodged a bullet with this sexist tosser if you ask me.

yorkshapudding · 08/11/2015 22:18

I think it's a mistake to assume exclusivity, especially if you met the person through online dating. However, I think a lot of people do make that assumption if they've been seeing someone for a while so in your position I probably would have been very clear that I was also seeing someone else, just to make sure everyone knows where they stand. I could understand him being upset it if he genuinely thought your relationship was heading somewhere but the fact that he kept his tinder profile the whole time you were together makes him look like a complete hypocrite. The comments about not respecting yourself etc are just pathetic and I assume it's his wounded pride speaking. So yeah, technically, I'm not sure you did anything wrong but I think this situation shows how, even if it means having an awkward conversation, it's often easier in the long run to be completely upfront about these things.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 08/11/2015 22:22

When you asked him if he was seeing anyone else did he say he was or wasn't and did you make it clear at that point that you were or did you deliberately leave him the impression that you weren't?

Original poster

lightupmynight · 08/11/2015 22:27

When you asked him if he was seeing anyone else did he say he was or wasn't and did you make it clear at that point that you were or did you deliberately leave him the impression that you weren't?

He said he didn't have time to see anyone else (he does work 7 days a week) ... and that felt a bit like so you'd be seeing someone else if you had the time then?

He never asked me if I was seeing anyone. I'd made a few comments previously about it but he never really said anything. Obviously he didn't pick up on the comments now I think about it but I just assumed that he didn't want to talk about it.

OP posts:

scatterthenuns · 08/11/2015 22:29

Nothing wrong with what you did. Sensible not to put your all your eggs in one basket, in fact.

Sounds like he couldn't deal with a woman that didn't put him at the centre of her universe. And for that, good riddance.

cranberryx · 08/11/2015 23:07

For some men, it's one rule for them and another for the woman.

You did nothing wrong, lucky escape I say!

birdsdestiny · 08/11/2015 23:18

It might be worth thinking about what will happen when you meet someone new and you do decide to be exclusive. How and when will you stop the Fwb situation. Not judging in any way, have been in similar position and these things are never simple.

Senpai · 09/11/2015 03:05

When you asked him if he was seeing someone else, it sort of give the implication you don't want them seeing anyone else. You should have told him then. Or made it clear up front.

If I was dating someone and found out they had a girl on the side I'd be upset too. If I knew from the get go that was the situation I wouldn't have bothered wasting my time on them, but the fact that you didn't tell him does make it seem like you were hiding it by omission.

So you weren't wrong, but neither was he.

Next time make it clear you're not exclusive from the get go.

I went on plenty of dates with different men on different days to figure out which ones were worth dating. But when I settled on DH, I made it clear I wanted us to be exclusive to each other. Communication makes a big difference.

sofato5miles · 09/11/2015 03:35

Nothing wrong with you, his poor ego got dented and his response is petulant.

sykadelic · 09/11/2015 03:48

I do personally think you did wrong by not explicitly saying you weren't exclusive. He said he had no time for anyone else and you didn't then take that opening to tell him about your FWB. You're now saying it wasn't a secret but it obviously was, or he'd have known.

He said you have no respect for yourself, that you clearly have different values to him, and that you were probably sleeping with loads of men. He was stating the truth when it comes to you both having different values and he was obviously hurt that you were sleeping with someone else when he assumed you weren't.

Out of interest, I think how he found out might explain why he reacted so strongly.

ExBallerina · 09/11/2015 03:54

I don't think you did anything wrong. Lucky escape for sure.

Enjolrass · 09/11/2015 06:44

I don't think either of you are wrong.

I can see why he is bothered and I do think you should have been more explicit about not being exclusive.

But that's just my opinion and I kind of lose most of my sympathy with the 'respect' comment.

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