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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave dd to cry?

46 replies

NorthenFeminist · 03/11/2015 21:14

Dd (6) is really hard work atm especially when it comes to sleep. It's getting to the point where she's refusing to stay in bed most nights and is exhausted in the morning.

I've tried all kinds of rewards and charts but she is really strong willed and they don't work.

I can't physically keep her in her room so I've decided to lock myself in my room. She has been screaming and banging on my door for the past hour. Every so often I just keep saying "go to bed" but apart from that I'm not engaging with her.

Am I getting this really wrong?

OP posts:
Baconyum · 03/11/2015 21:21

Have you asked her why? Perhaps she's having more vivid dreams/nightmares, something is worrying her? Do you stay with her in her room at all? Sleep is really important. And I'd be loathe to risk making such a young child distressed/fearful at bedtime. Is it just the two of you?

It's been just me and dd for years. Arse of an ex threatened to not return her from contact once in front of her it was a very heated situation. He did other stuff too (which would out me so won't say here) as a result she was in with me for a year around age 8 as she was terrified he was going to kidnap her in her sleep. Took a lot of work and counselling to get her to feel safe again.

Original poster
NorthenFeminist · 03/11/2015 21:23

I have asked her why. This has been going on for a long time. I took her to the GP. There's nothing wrong other than she doesn't want to go to bed.
It is just me and two dc.

OP posts:
hellswelshy · 03/11/2015 21:25

Has she always been like this or is this a recent behaviour phase?

One of my twin dDs (7) finds it hard to get to sleep and fights against it. I find routine helps, firmness after hugs & snuggles etc (lots of faffing etc) and a very strict no getting out of bed rule is a must. Be consistent.

Hope that helps.

Happyminimalist · 03/11/2015 21:26

Why can she sleep? Is she afraid? She sounds too would up. Alert. Does she often have trouble switching off? Is she excersising enough? Is she watching screens - poor idea before bed.

I would give her a big cuddle and calm her down. Then gently run her a bath, give her milk/banana, then sit and read next to her bedroom door. Say you will sit there as long as she lies quietly.

Happyminimalist · 03/11/2015 21:28

Alternatively can she listen to audio stories through headphones or read till she drops off. Use a dim light

Seeyounearertime · 03/11/2015 21:29

I don't know if it would help but Channel 4 did a programming called Bedtime Live. I believe it is on YouTube or 4OD?
It may be worth watching for you OP?

Original poster
NorthenFeminist · 03/11/2015 21:30

I do all this things. Bath and then milk when reading her a story. I sit with her for a bit and stroke her arm. Then I go back in after about 10 minutes. She's very active, doesn't sit still in the day at all. She won't stay in bed long enough to calm down. If I let her in my bed she's fine and straight to sleep.

This morning she had circles under her eyes because she's not getting enough sleep. If I try to keep putting her back in bed she lashes out. I don't know what else to try.

OP posts:
PiccalilliSandwiches · 03/11/2015 21:31

I feel for you but I think YABU. Something's bothering her even if she can't articulate what it is. I think it's a bit unkind to isolate yourself.

Would she relax listening to an audio book maybe? DS loves the Roald Dahl ones. Agree a no getting out of bed rule, or bedtime 15 mins earlier the next night. Good bedtime behaviour gets those 15 mins back.

Original poster
NorthenFeminist · 03/11/2015 21:31

She does listen to an audio book for an hour and is fine whilst that's on. The getting up starts after its finished.

I've not seen the program. I'll have a look for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthenFeminist · 03/11/2015 21:32

A no getting up rule doesn't work. She gets up anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthenFeminist · 03/11/2015 21:35

I'll try putting her to bed earlier though if she has got up the night before.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthenFeminist · 03/11/2015 21:36

I should say I feel shitty for doing it but I'm exhausted and feel at breaking point.

OP posts:
TheOddity · 03/11/2015 21:39

Any reason she can't just sleep in your bed or a bed next to yours? Just might be a phase and you could retry own bedroom with fanfare in six months? I value my sanity and children's sleep above societal 'norms'

SharkSkinThing · 03/11/2015 21:39

I feel your pain, northern. Can you start bed time an hour earlier for a while until she catches up on rest. My five year old goes up at 6.30pm so we can take our time with bath/story/song/faffing. He's generally asleep by half 7 but he always fights it, hopping out of bed, wanting covers on, wee...

PennyHasNoSurname · 03/11/2015 21:40

Honestly id just let her sleep in your bed if that is a viable option. She probably now associates bedtime with angst, stress, upset and now abandonment.

Take it all back to the start. A good nights sleep, every night, for a few weeks will get you all back to a state of happiness. If your bed is the place for that then so be it. She obviously cant manage to fall asleep herself atm and clearly you cant manage it either.

She will grow out of bed sharing.

PennyHasNoSurname · 03/11/2015 21:40

And I say that as someone who has never had either dc sleep in my bed. But if they needed it, id do it.

TheOddity · 03/11/2015 21:41

Just want to add mine is four and we still have nights like this (like tonight). It's way more common than people like to admit. Everyone likes to pretend their kids sleep through and it's all hunky dory when in reality there is loads of musical beds going on all over the country! So don't feel bad if it doesn't work out every night to plan.

SharkSkinThing · 03/11/2015 21:45

And tonight I still yelled at him asked him nicely to stop doing handstands whilst I was trying to read to him. Blush

CalleighDoodle · 03/11/2015 21:51

Mine are both currently asleep in my bed :/ my son is 3 and is terrible at going to bed. I work long hours and he doesnt want to leave my side. My dd is 5 and struggling with a bit of anxiety atm. Again with my hours, but also feeling like school is too hard and finally she absorbes everything so ive had to tell childcare to not have the news on. Sometimes they just need reassurance that youre there and care.

mudandmayhem01 · 03/11/2015 21:51

Let her sleep in your bed, my ds went through this stage, I just wanted him feel secure, went to bed early with him for a few nights, then he went to sleeping on his own in my bed whilst I was downstairs and then he finally went back to his own bed of own accord. He was 8 when this was at his worst. He is now 10 and its a positive memory rather than a memory of being distressed. He still finds getting to sleep hard but has a radio and listens to music til he falls asleep now.

SharkSkinThing · 03/11/2015 21:54

Penny! I think 'abandonment' is a bit harsh. Poor woman is exhausted!

Like Oddity said, sleep issues can last ages. My DS wakes at 4.30/5am. Nothing will change it. He only just started going through the night this summer.

Cut yourself some slack and do what you need to do to get some rest, because parenting on little sleep and then not getting an evening to yourself to gather your strenght for the next battle is tortuous.

Good luck. Flowers

DisappointedOne · 03/11/2015 21:57

I have a sleep resistor too.

Baths may wake her up rather than calm her down.

Trying to put them to bed earlier doesn't work if they are naturally inclined to a different sleep pattern. DD (5) has gone to sleep before 8pm about 4 times in her whole life. She's an owl and can no sooner sleep on demand than I can.

We've found "The Rabbit who wants to go to sleep" audiobook has helped.

PiccalilliSandwiches · 03/11/2015 21:59

Also, what about music after the audio story or instead of it? DD is younger at 2.5 but both she and DS 5yo go to sleep listening to [http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-ToddlerCalm-Toddler-Relaxation-Sleep/dp/B00DNYXV0Q this]], and it makes me drift off sometimes too!

Sorry you're going through his though. Both mine have had more that their share of sleep trouble and I know how soul destroying it can be. Hope the time penalty works.

TimeToMuskUp · 03/11/2015 21:59

I'm a bit of a lazy parent and DS1 (10 has aspergers, if that's in any way relevant) has always struggled to switch off. So rather than fight it and end each day with us both upset we taught him yoga (pretentious twat alert, I know) and bought him a meditation cd, and he reads and listens to audiobooks every night. Some evenings he is still awake and reading past 11pm, but he's in bed, he's calm and he's happy. He has a worry box and a journal he writes in, and occasionally he pops something in the worry box and brings it down to me to talk through.

Sometimes it's a case of going with what they can do; if she can lie in bed calmly reading and listening to audiobooks, let her do that. It might be frowned upon to let her read later than her peers, but compared to what you're experiencing now it has to be a small improvement. The other thing I'd suggest is letting her sleep with you if she's anxious or upset. It's probably going to sound like a cop-out but sometimes you have to give up fighting and take a break. You do what you need to do to survive is my motto.

RandomMess · 03/11/2015 21:59

If she will sleep with you I'd give her a mattress of some sort on your floor so she can share the room with you.

I think removing the whole stress from the situation for a while is the priority.