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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to leave dd to cry?

46 replies

NorthenFeminist · 03/11/2015 21:14

Dd (6) is really hard work atm especially when it comes to sleep. It's getting to the point where she's refusing to stay in bed most nights and is exhausted in the morning.

I've tried all kinds of rewards and charts but she is really strong willed and they don't work.

I can't physically keep her in her room so I've decided to lock myself in my room. She has been screaming and banging on my door for the past hour. Every so often I just keep saying "go to bed" but apart from that I'm not engaging with her.

Am I getting this really wrong?

OP posts:

RoboticSealpup · 03/11/2015 22:00

I'd just let her sleep with me if I were you.

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/11/2015 22:08

I think the received wisdom is that the first time she gets up, you tell her it's bedtime and guide her back to bed. Any time after that, you say nothing and just guide her back...and keep doing it. I appreciate it could take dozens and dozens of times. I also appreciate that it's easy for me to sit here telling you what to do when I'm not in your extremely frustrating and testing situation. Still, it may be worth a try if you think your sanity will hold.

Agree with other posters that the most important thing is for her to be calm and resting at bedtime even if she's not actually asleep. It'll pave the way and give her some degree of rest. Better reading calmly in bed than having a tantrum at your door.

overthemill · 03/11/2015 22:17

We put a little hook and eye on outside of ds room when he was similar age. If you are certain she is physically ok and simply overtired might be best thing

mudandmayhem01 · 03/11/2015 22:22

I really don't think effectively locking a child in their room can ever be a good thing.

DisappointedOne · 03/11/2015 22:23

That's disgusting overthemill.

Seeyounearertime · 03/11/2015 22:32

Overthemill
Effectively locking your little child in his room?

overthemill · 03/11/2015 22:34

Stopping him from leaving when he was meant to be in bed. Yes.

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/11/2015 22:35

Hm, why stop there? You could also tie the child to the bed, hell if they're screaming then a ball gag will quickly put an end to that. Pretty sure Gina Ford's got a book coming out on the subject.

Seeyounearertime · 03/11/2015 22:40

overthemill

Stopping him from leaving when he was meant to be in bed. Yes.

Wow. I can't even begin to understand how you can justify that in this world or any other.

A fire in his room, hes trapped.
Something happens to you, he's trapped.
He wakes in the night terrified, he's trapped.
So on and so forth.

But at least he wasn't bothering you I guess.

IguanaTail · 03/11/2015 22:41

Could you perhaps get her to choose a couple of friendly bed toys and then say that she can play with them and talk to them but they will only be there the next night if she stays in bed. Might take a few nights of you sitting on the landing ensuring she stays put.

Other things to consider - is she eating sugar in the evening? Mine really get hyper if they eat sugar after about 5pm. Could you put some lavender drops on her pillow?

peacefuleasyfeeling · 03/11/2015 22:50

I second either letting her go to sleep in your bed or making her a little nest in your room, just for a while until you've both de-frazzled a bit. Could be a while, but so much nicer and calmer than what you are going through now. And you'll be teaching her that you listen to her and look for creative, constructive solutions to her problems. Six is still really little and six-year olds can still get very fixed on and stuck with patterns of behaviour so my feeling is that trying to outstubborn her will be futile.
Best of luck!

DisappointedOne · 03/11/2015 22:56

overthemill Would you do the same to an OAP with/without Alzheimer's or an adult within learning difficulties?

Happyminimalist · 03/11/2015 23:07

I agree it's not acceptable to lock a child in their room

Happyminimalist · 03/11/2015 23:08

She must be unsettled about something but can't explain. Put her in your bed

shutupanddance · 03/11/2015 23:09

Have you tried lying with her until she drops off, my 6 year old takes an age if we don't do this.

shutupanddance · 03/11/2015 23:15

I would never lock a child in their room. We are talking dcs not animals.

If lying with dd not an option, storytapes?

wallywobbles · 03/11/2015 23:20

We just had the audio books going all night. Whole collections of them. Mini speakers in her bed as I didn't like ear phones. She eventually grew out of them largely.

Your choices seem to be :
1 she sleeps with you and gets enough sleep but maybe you don't.
2 she listens to audio books and stays in bed and gets rest but not as much sleep as you'd like. Implement naps if that's an option. But at least you are getting a break.
3 she listens to sleep meditations. Can work surprisingly well (on me.)

She is allowed to read or similar in bed until she falls asleep. Probably with light on. No hassle for you. She is getting rest and so are you. She will be tired. Occasional naps are a good choice if possible.

My best advice is don't fight with her about it. You won't win. Work out what is the least shit for you and her. I was up at 5am every morning until my teens. I wasn't allowed to have a light on in my room and it was shit. I read under the covers and a light bulb exploded against my inner thigh burning me badly.

Don't sweat it is the best advice I'm afraid.

nightsky010 · 04/11/2015 01:54

My DC was nowhere near this bad but found it very hard to get to sleep due to being naturally very active and finding it hard to calm down enough. He would then get very frustrated at not being able to fall asleep for 3 hours.

Doctor prescribed MELATONIN and it has been a life saver! Now takes 5 mins to fall asleep and has 11 hours of perfect sleep every night without fail. :-) why dont you consider it?

BlackeyedSusan · 04/11/2015 10:56

either there is something wrong or there is not.
if there is nothing wrong, then tantrums will stop in a while and she will settle.
if there is something that requires intervention such as melotonin, then you have to give several strategies a go before you can say there is a problem and present the evidence to the gp.
also. what is worse? lying with her in your bed or crying? only you can work that out.

YBR · 04/11/2015 12:55

Our DD1(4) has a much milder case, the problem has eased at the moment by allowing her to go to bed a bit later than previously - rather unexpectedly.

Following tea, bathtime, stories we now allow her to keep her light on for a brief time and "read" to her toys. In reality we don't mind what she's up to if it's quiet and she stays in her room. Possibly worth a try?
She seems to prefer having her door open a crack also.

wowis · 04/11/2015 14:54

Hi op,
totally feel your pain. My dd is 5 and is just not tired enough at 8-8.30. She used to basically destroy her bedroom out of boredom (as in get everything out not actual breakages etc)
In the end although others may disagree with this I got her a tele for her 5th birthday with dvd player. Now if she goes to bed she can have a dvd on (after book time etc) She is usually still awake when it finishes but she hasn't mithered me and has atleast been resting and she knows if she plays up now the tele comes out of her room so she generally is learning to self soothe or whatever it is. I tried audio books and baths and warm milk all did fuck all but this has actually worked. You sound end of tether with it you poor thing. Positive reinforcement tends to work far better than negative so maybe its worth a try?

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