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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My problems are so much worse than yours!

29 replies

Fratelli · 03/11/2015 06:12

Aibu to hate this attitude? On the whole my oh is great. We did have a patch where he was extremely lazy with housework and lo. As in he did nothing. He's over that now but occasionally can be a bit lazy.

Sometimes I needed/need to just vent if I'm tired or something to friends or online. On another site on my birth board too many times I get maybe 2 supportive people but the rest say things like "that's nothing, my oh hasn't done anything since dc was born". Or "I haven't had a lay in for 3 years". Or (my favourite) "think yourself lucky your oh does anything at all". Why should I feel lucky for that? I'm grateful for everything he does for us as he is for everything I do. But I think this should be the norm rather than having to feel lucky. I have a friend in rl who is like that too.

Aibu to hate this attitude? And to think that being lazy shouldn't have to be acceptable in my relationship just because it is in other's?

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 03/11/2015 06:23

They're toppers. Some people would compete about bloody anything.

On here you'll also get a lot of "my DH has taken 50.000% of the housework and childcare since my DD1 was born, can't understand why anyone would live with the sort of caveman who does anything less, YABU" which is equally dispiriting.

Original poster
Fratelli · 03/11/2015 06:26

I agree it is!

Haha that cartoon is brilliant!

OP posts:
nearlyteatime101 · 03/11/2015 06:49

YANBU to be annoyed by this. It invalidates what you want to say and stops the conversation happening. Very frustrating.

MrsTargaeryan · 03/11/2015 06:53

YANBU Fratelli! I also hate this attitude, which is unfortunately the one constantly at the forefront with my SIL. It makes family visits exhausting. She even told me that her labour experience was "far worse" than mine. Thanks TMTO that Dilbert strip nails it!

Enjolrass · 03/11/2015 07:15

Yanbu this winds me up.

As does the 'my dh does exactly 50% (worked out to the minute) and of yours doesn't then why wouldn't you ltb'

My sil is like mrstarg sil. Her birth was worse, her kids sleep worse (except sometimes they sleep like angels as wellConfused) , he experience of being a sahm is more difficult than mine, they are more skint than we are, her wedding was more stressful than hers etc.

Tbh I avoid people like this. Personally I thinks it's a very selfish behaviour.

MrsTargaeryan · 03/11/2015 07:23

Enjolrass, yes that is it exactly. Would love to avoid if not related by marriage!
I honestly don't think people who have this attitude realise that they have it though, they probably think it's just a normal pleasant conversation to be telling you how much tougher things are for them...is there any way to let them know they're being annoying do you think?

Original poster
Fratelli · 03/11/2015 07:32

I'm pleased it's not just me!
I don't think so MrsT! But I hope someone can come up with something!

OP posts:
Quietlifenotonyournelly · 03/11/2015 07:34

Yanbu. I know a few people that turn everything into a pity party competition it's so annoying, just smile and nod.

Tallyloolah · 03/11/2015 07:43

I was once literally on the verge of suicide..well I was having serious thoughts about hurting myself. Doctors had told me no appointments, couldn't help me. I spoke to a friend who I knew had been in same boat mentally, not to compete with her but just to talk to her.

Well! She berated me, told me to pull myself together, stop taking my meds and basically no one including me would ever be worse than she was (as she actually self harms, you see, this was the clincher)

I still ask myself why I still speak to her (I'm 'better' now)

squidzin · 03/11/2015 07:45

You're lucky. My OH has a human head collection Grin

Enjolrass · 03/11/2015 07:46

is there any way to let them know they're being annoying do you think?

probably not. I think my sil knows to a degree. Because she is super competitive.

When I was a wohm, she always tried starting the sahm vs wohm debate. I always shut her down and refused to discuss it. My view is 'your family, your choice'. Her view was that anything less than sahm was wrong.

She always has to top everything and be right.

Even though I love my brother and nephews I avoid her as much as possible. I see my nephews when mum has them.

Last Christmas took the biscuit. Boxing Day we all went to mums, dbro said they had to be gone at 11.30am to get to sils parents on time and asked us to be there at 9.30am.

We got the kids up early drove over (about an 45 mins), they didn't turn up until 12.30 stayed 5 minutes and left. They didn't even call to say they were running late. When I mentioned we had gone out of our way to be there at the time they asked I was told 'you don't what is like to get to kids ready'.

My response was 'obviously not, my kids wake up ready, clean, dressed and in the car'.

After that I couldn't be arsed. If I spend too much time with her I will end up having an argument with her. Would rather avoid it tbh.

Shockers · 03/11/2015 07:49

My line manager does this. I have never yet had a problem resolved by speaking to her; meetings always turn into a counselling session Confused.

LumelaMme · 03/11/2015 08:00

I have a SIL like this. She's actually kind and helpful but is also ultra competitive. 'Oooh, look, what lovely postcard your friend sent you! Oh, it's from France. You know, we got a postcard last week from this just ay-mazing friend of ours who is working with orang utans and sent us a lovely one of this little island off the coast of Java that you can only reach by canoe...'
Translation: your friend are boring and conventional. MY friends, on the other hand, are right-on and super-adventurous.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 03/11/2015 08:12

There the sort of women that enable these idiots to keep opting out of family life.

toomuchtooold · 03/11/2015 08:55

I'd a colleague who did this actually. It was before I had kids. She'd spend every lunchtime detailing the ways in which she was doing much more than her DH till one time I did a head tilt and was like "maybe if he's really not pulling his weight you could have a word with his mum and see if she can make him see sense?" You could almost see the wheels turning as she mentally recalibrated how to make yourself sound like the perfect mother, while also giving off the impression that you have the perfect partner... cue 30 minutes of frantic backtracking...

MrsTargaeryan · 03/11/2015 09:00

Oh no Tallyloolah that's awful! I don't know why you're still friends with that person either!
Enjolrass our SILs could be the same person, except that mine works full time and that is, of course, a billion and a half times harder than what I do (SAHM, also work from home on a sort of contractual basis). Also I am married to her brother, so often have to hear the same gripes about SILs dire finances due to no fault of her own/children who don't sleep at night but are nevertheless incredibly intelligent and have great leadership potential, again, from my MIL who repeats this stuff like its gospel (despite being otherwise a likeable person)...all this is annoying but what really rankles is when my I feel like I'm being drawn into a stupid pointless competition about whose children are better at specific things, when none of them are even old enough to be at school yet.
Am sorely tempted to just speak my mind on the subject next time and hang the consequences...except that my DH has almost begged me not to Grin

Original poster
Fratelli · 03/11/2015 09:07

Tallyloolah you need to get rid of that "friend". What a knob!

Toomuch I love the backtracking stage! One minute their dp does nothing, the next they're parent of the year!

OP posts:
sltorres9 · 03/11/2015 09:28

I don't think they are trying to compete, I am one of those people who has an other half who used to do nothing, even now getting him to hoover/cook/put on a wash/get up to the baby at night is a challenge. Some people genuinely believe they have it harder and people who comment like that are probably looking for a bit of support too

Enjolrass · 03/11/2015 10:27

Some people genuinely believe they have it harder and people who comment like that are probably looking for a bit of support too

in my experience they aren't looking for support too. Because they aren't giving any support at all.

Enjolrass · 03/11/2015 10:30

mrstarg yeah I hear it off sil then my mum!

Although my mum has kind of seen the light after being asked for advice on how to get them to sleep through 2 days after being told that they slept really well.

Also my kids are quite a bit older than hers, so don't get the competing at all.

Personally I couldn't care less. I love my kids and nephews. I hate to see them pitted against another.

ephemeralfairy · 03/11/2015 10:31

It's this!!

ephemeralfairy · 03/11/2015 10:33

'...when we got home our dad would thrash us to sleep wi' 'is belt!'
'Luxury...!'

Shetland · 03/11/2015 10:48

I think sometimes it is people trying to show they understand but they misjudge it slightly.
OTOH I think we all have a friend who's been to Elevenerife Grin

Original poster
Fratelli · 03/11/2015 12:15

Hahaha Elevenerife!!!

OP posts:
spritefairy · 03/11/2015 13:50

I used too know two people who did this whilst surrounded by others. Went a bit like this..
1..I was abandoned by my mum at birth
2..we was homeless when I was born
1..i have to live in a caravan on my front lawn cos stepmother doesn't like me
2..my parents died on Christmas day

We all sit there bemused as it would happen at least once a month

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