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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis wants my friends

35 replies

LizzyDrippinggg · 25/10/2015 14:13

Dsis and I flatshare. She has friends but not nearby. I actively make plans with my friends at the weekend, mainly those who I don't see that often, and either I'll go to them or they'll come to me. 80 percent of time dsis comes too and seems to see many of my friends as hers too (close in age, similar thing happened when we were teenagers). Anyone got tips on how to manage this? I wish occasionally she could organise activities with acquaintances/friends either just for herself or to invite me along to... Sometimes gets a but suffocating that I don't get much alone time with my friends

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzyDrippinggg · 25/10/2015 14:14

Sorry my point is it would be nice if she could return the favour. I know it shouldn't bother me but it does.

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzyDrippinggg · 25/10/2015 14:24

Anyone?

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VodkaValiumLattePlease · 25/10/2015 15:17

Err ask her?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/10/2015 15:21

Do your friends see her as their friend now? Difficult not to include her as well in that case.

If they don't, do all few things where you have to book tickets which don't include her.

Or yes, have a chat with her. You don't mind her joining you and your friends occasionally, but not every time. And you would like to spend some time with her and her friends.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/10/2015 15:23

I can understand if your friends don't want her around all the time as well. If she's not their friend, why would they.

SaucyJack · 25/10/2015 15:23

Do your friends regard your sister as a friend, and do they enjoy her company?

It's hard to tell from your post whether there's a genuine problem or whether you're being a spoilt brat.

RoseWithoutAThorn · 25/10/2015 15:26

My Dsis used to share a load of friends who we saw together, I can understand how it's suffocating for you. I agree with talking to her about it, she may not realise how you feel.

Original poster
LizzyDrippinggg · 25/10/2015 15:34

I would ask her but she's sensitive about it.

My friends like her but we have always had independent lives, she then moved to my city and seemed to assume she had a readymade circle of friends from me. This is fine in theory but a little exhausting, my friends I assume probably find it a bit unusual sometimes too that she is almost always there.

I wish she could be a little more proactive in making friends so we could do something with them. I feel like she just gets carried away with it all and is now talking about having shared events and things when really it would be less suffocating to have independent lives so we can really value the time we do spend together. I love and like her but we're very different.

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Original poster
LizzyDrippinggg · 25/10/2015 15:36

I also sometimes feel guilty that my friends don't get a choice in her coming along. They enjoy her company but I feel a bit like I have forced the meet up and worry that they'll resent me for it, especially when we dont meet up that often ourselves

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ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/10/2015 15:38

I have a friend whose sister quite often comes with her to social things, and it's a pain tbh. I love my friend but I'm not too keen on her sister.

I think you need to tell her you need some space alone with your friends. Include her occasionally. I don't know how without hurting her though, or if there is a decent way of doing it tactfully.

whois · 25/10/2015 17:40

You are not being U.

If it's too hard to 'have a conversation' with her about it - can you just not invite her?

Like you don't need to tell her in advance what your plans are and on Saturday you breeze out 'off to meet Kim for lunch, see you later'. Or does she always ask in advance what you are doing? Does she actively ask for an invite or just assume she is coming?

You could invite her to big group events and casual meet ups, and not if you are just meeting a couple of people.

I would find it annoying if a friend kept bringing her sister along all the time every time. Parties and big meals or meet ups - fine, lunch for two - not fine.

Probably a bit ackward but sounds like you do need to have a talk about how it would be nice to have a bit of space / be invited by her sometimes.

Me624 · 25/10/2015 18:35

I think you're being a bit juvenile tbh. My Dbro and I share lots of friends, most of them were "his" originally but became mine in my own right in due course. We also have a Dsis who is a bit of a recluse but whom I have happily included on outings with my friends on occasion. Several of my friends include their siblings too. How is it any different to introducing a new friend to the group? If you had a new flat mate who wasn't related to you and they were a nice person, would you not introduce them to your friends and have them become part of your friendship group?

SevenOfNineTrue · 26/10/2015 14:02

I wouldn't always tell her about your planned activities.

I'd also ask your closest friend in the group if there is any feeling on whether they mind her coming along.

Hissy · 26/10/2015 14:10

If you were mere friends and flatmates, there would be a natural coming together of friends, i think there may be some history here that you are struggling with, but ultimately, you may need to consider moving to establish your own identity and sense of individuality. that way you can choose to include her in your social life or not, and she will have to make friends of her own. or not.

Leelu6 · 26/10/2015 14:11

YANBU.

They were your friends first.

Do your friends contact your sister by phone, social media, etc when making plans with you or does your sis just tag along with you?

ShamelessBreadAddict · 26/10/2015 14:14

I'm struggling to relate to this tbh. The only time I remember feeling like this was when I was a teenager and gave zero shits about my siblings and was very into impressing my friends. Now I'm a fully fledged grown up (allegedly), my siblings would be welcome anywhere with me, as would my Dad. If my friends said they didn't like them I'd probably tell them (the friends) where to go. Tbf though, my family don't live near me, so them being with me all the time isn't an issue.

Is it more that you see too much of dsis regardless of friends? I can totally understand that as my dsis did live with me briefly and it was tough. The friend thing I don't get though.

Original poster
LizzyDrippinggg · 26/10/2015 14:20

Yes it basically is about the fact I see too much of dsis, I see her 24/7 at the moment due to the nature of our jobs and now in my leisure time too.

No my friends don't include her per se, I just ask her if she fancies it or she'll ask her to come. I feel bad leaving her out and want her to feel welcome but equally wish she reciprocated.

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Original poster
LizzyDrippinggg · 26/10/2015 14:21

Sorry that should say or she'll ask to come

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whois · 26/10/2015 14:24

I don't think it's juvenile - you need space to be yourself away from your sister sometimes.

ImperialBlether · 26/10/2015 14:29

Does she have any contact with your friends outside of meeting up with them? Do they text each other?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/10/2015 14:30

I have a friend who's very close to her family. She invites her brother/sister to around 10% of our plans, always neutral venue ones. That works really well and I'm pleased to see them, if it was more often I'd be unhappy. I don't think yabu. Make plans that involve booking tables/tickets. Encourage your sister to see her own friends.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 26/10/2015 14:30

Then yanbu op.

TwoInTheMourning · 26/10/2015 14:31

I also don't understand why this would be juvenile or you might be a 'spoiled brat'. Having a sibling within your friendship group changes dynamics. Also, it seems you spend a hell of a lot of time together and it's only natural you'd like some downtime with just your friends.

CocktailQueen · 26/10/2015 14:32

Well, don't ask her each time! Suggest she sees her own friends!

'Dsis, what are you up to this weekend? I'm seeing x and y so won't be around all Sunday, have fun!'

If she guilts you into asking her, don't let her! 'Sorry, sis, I'd like to see my friends by myself this time. See you later!'

She's an adult and should be making her own friends.

Leelu6 · 26/10/2015 14:34

Next time she makes plans to go out, you should ask to go along as well.

If she doesn't want you to, then I think she is very unreasonable to want to tag along with you and your friends. And I would tell her that.