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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people don't really want to do anything much, ever?

57 replies

Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 09:32

Weekends are family time and you cannot intrude on this as a rule.

If people are working in the week they (totally understandably) don't want to or can't do anything then.

I'm on my own with children. I love them to pieces, I really do - but part of that is wanting to be a really positive role model to them and I'd like to see them see out, enjoy myself (I'm talking meeting friends for coffee potentially here by the way, not having a heavy night out!)

But how do you get through the barrier of family time?

OP posts:
DonkeyOaty · 24/10/2015 09:46

Ime once the children were a bit older and out of the Saturday Morning Swimming Lessons age band it became easier to get together on weekends.

WiIdfire · 24/10/2015 09:48

Do you have joint family time? Your family plus their family in the park for a picnic. Still family time, still socialising. We saw my parents friends most weekends as children.

StarfrightMcFangsie · 24/10/2015 09:48

What do you mean? We do loads of stuff as a family, but not a lot with other people.

IrenetheQuaint · 24/10/2015 09:49

I often meet friends with children at the weekend - are you saying other people don't want to do this?

WaitroseEssentialPancetta · 24/10/2015 09:50

Some couples take it in turns to have a weekend morning off so the other parent is pleased to have company, if you can find anyone who does that

Axekick · 24/10/2015 09:54

Sorry op I don't really understand. Are you saying that doing something with someone on a weekend is intruding on family time?

We do stuff together as a family at weekends, sometimes with other people. Still family time. Occasionally we do stuff as just a family.

Or, like this morning, I am with dd at our dojo. Dh is with ds. Still family time.

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 09:55

That's hopeful Donkey, although a good decade to wait! Wildfire, I could try suggesting it but I'd feel very intrusive - me and DCs and their family, if you see what I mean.

Starfright, that's exactly what I mean Grin and yes Irene, that's what I'm saying.

The problem is Waitrose that a weekend morning off would be without children and I obviously have the children so it would defeat the object a bit.

I love them so much but I'd just love an adult conversation as well, but it is hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 09:56

Axekick, what I mean is that it's difficult to meet up with friends at a weekend as they are with their husbands and children and evenings are difficult as well if people are at work during the day, so I rarely see anybody apart from my children and lovely as they are, I'd like to see another adult too.

OP posts:
FartemisOwl · 24/10/2015 09:57

I get what you mean, OP. I love meeting up with other friends/families at the weekends. I remember there being lots of 'family time' as a kid (nearly every weekend) which basically meant my brother and I amusing ourselves with the TV on or going to a DIY store. I was bored shitless most of the time. My best memories are of big family meet ups or rare days out with other families, so I try and do that too. Even now the idea of sitting indoors all weekend makes me want to fry my own head.

Artandco · 24/10/2015 09:57

I don't understand either, everyone we knows works in the week, so at weekends there's lots of socialising and going out with friends and family

mamapants · 24/10/2015 09:59

My partner works shifts so I do like to do things with friends at weekends. Once I got over worrying about intruding and asked people I found that I can see someone on the weekend.
Sometimes do isn't at work but has other plans so its always worth asking people if they fancy doing something.

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 10:02

Perhaps it's just people I know then :) but I have found most people are keen to do things with their own families at weekends and while you might prise someone away for a few hours for some child free time shopping or similar, I still can't do that as I do have the children, so I do find it quite hard.

OP posts:
GhostsComeWith · 24/10/2015 10:07

I sort of see what you mean but I also think you sometimes have to be the first one to take the initiative to get things going iykwim?

We often have friends and their children over for lunch on a saturday or a sunday. It usually has to be arranged a few weeks in advance as people have plans most weekends. But this works really well for us.

Or we meet friends and their kids at the park (when our kids were a bit younger) and let them have a run about on saturday afternoon followed by a hot chocolate / coffee / wine in the cafe near the park.

You sort of have to float the idea out there though!

Do you know any other single mums from the school / work etc - they might be in the same boat and appreciate someone to go for a coffee with etc

We have only one dc and we do a LOAD of stuff with her and we travel a lot but we also love meeting up with friends and their dc as it gives our dd company her own age outside of school so we put effort into keeping up with various friends (doesn't feel like effort though!)

Duckdeamon · 24/10/2015 10:12

No harm in suggesting the odd family thing at weekends - some people might well be up for it or invite you round or whatever.

Other single parents?

SAHMs or PTimers during the week? (If you have time off then of course).

Do you never have time on your own at weekends? That must be hard work.

Jinglebells99 · 24/10/2015 10:13

I'm not sure I get you. What is it you want to do? When my children were younger, we often used to arrange things with other parents and their kids. Trips to local national trust places, parks and zoos. Often we would draw up a list of dates and places to go throughout the holidays, and people would come along if they were free. My children are older now, and don't particularly want to socialise with the children of my friends. You could see what's on locally and suggest going along with a friend. I find even now often families split and do different things at the weekend, and they might be open to a meet up with you and the kids whilst the other parent gets on with something else. And where I live, even if you just go along to local events, you are bound to bump into someone you know.

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 10:14

Not at present, I prefer it, to be honest. I really don't want the children going anywhere else (selfish, I know.) I don't really know any other single parents. I don't know, I'd love it if I could do stuff with other families but people seem reluctant to (which I get if they've been working all week.)

I go back to work after Christmas. Hoping I'll have more adult conversations then.

OP posts:
mrsbananacakes · 24/10/2015 10:15

Oh dear, I am the opposite, sometimes I wish I could just stay home at the weekend with my family(not complaining really, just trying to explain).

Weekends are so busy here with:
-sport
-sport
-sport competitions (mainly on Sundays)
-kids friends spending Saturday afternoon here
-Friends coming to stay over for the weekend, or us coming to stay with friends (if no competition at the weekend...)
-Friends coming for diner Saturday night

What I am trying to say is that we don't really spend time just as a family, the kids seem to have a much bigger social life than us.

How old are your children? Are they involved in a sport, hobby? Great place to meet other parents. Some libraries tend to run craft/ singing/ or various at the weekend. Church groups organise picnics in the summer (same groups running toddlers group, open to everyone)

We made a special effort from as we heard too many people being bored to death on Sunday and we didn't want our kids to feel that way. If your friends really prefer staying within their own family, which is fine, you could meet new people trying new things, which don't have to cost the earth. Good luck, with the days getting darker, it's can be hard!

GreenPetal94 · 24/10/2015 10:16

With friends you know better, have you expressed how you feel? So if they suggest a play date after school you say that you have a number of empty weekends coming up and how about everyone comes to you for Sunday lunch?

I have also found this hard. Other people's busyness can seem hard to break into. I like to prioritise socialising above many other boring parts of life, so don't tend to say I am too busy.

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 10:16

Jinglebells, I find the things you write down (which are also things I do with the children) tend to be done in family units and other than weakly say 'can we come' they aren't extended to people outside the family, so ...

I understand many people might have different setups which is rest but why are people saying they don't 'get it'?

Are my posts not clear?

OP posts:
IWasHereBeforeTheHack · 24/10/2015 10:17

I know what you mean. Some people have routines where Sunday is 'family only' ie all the siblings get together and the cousins have a ball. But if you have no siblings, or they have no DCs, or they all live too far away for that you are left with bored DCs thinking the rest of the world is having a party and they're not invited.

I think in your case it will require a bit of effort to get something started. Decide that on date X you are doing Y with your DCs. Contact 3 other Mums and invite them and their DCs (+ DPs if you wish). Sure, they won't all be able to come and you may have to be flexible about the date, but hoprfully you'll get something out of it?

Also, if your DCs do a Saturday am activity (sport etc), can you invite any of the children and Mums to go for lunch together afterwards?

TurnOffTheTv · 24/10/2015 10:17

We have a great group of friends local to us and we all have kids. (About 5 sets of families) we get together fairly regularly, sometimes all of us together with a picnic in the park, or the dads all get together while the mums go out for lunch/dinner and drinks, or the dads all go out for beers etc. It works well for us and we get family and friends time.

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 10:19

I don't really think hey would be up for that Rainbow.

Occasionally something happens but it takes months of coordination and I've just rejoined Facebook as I was hoping it might be a way into stuff! I think most people just have the sort of default of husband, children and perhaps extended family sometimes.

ofher people's business can seem hard to break into - definitely :)

I do have one single parent friend but she lives in Northern Ireland and getting there is a faff as a result (I'm in England.)

OP posts:
MillieMoodle · 24/10/2015 10:22

Yes I kind of know what you mean. I'm not a single parent but DH watches a lot of football at the weekends so quite often DS and I are left to our own devices, especially if spurs are on TV. I usually go to my parents house or try and catch up with a friend and her DD, we take the kids (both 4) to soft play and have a coffee and a natter. She leaves her DH with their other DD (7mo) so it's a nice change for us both. Not easy though, my other friends tend to stick to just family stuff at the weekends so sometimes it's just me and DS with nowhere to go and no-one to see!

GreenPetal94 · 24/10/2015 10:22

Oh I do get you OP.

Also to say I have found it harder as both my kids had some social problems in primary school and so that made it harder to be involved in the primary family networks. Just now in secondary my youngest has made a good friend and we spent half term days with that family. We get on with them great, but that has taken time.

GhostsComeWith · 24/10/2015 10:25

I do 'get' what you are saying but I think it comes across a bit as though you are reluctant to be the initiator in these situations and that's what people don't 'get'.

If you don't put it out there the nice family up the road who are going to the local trust on sunday may never think to invite you along.....however if you say 'we're thinking of going to XX in 2 weeks, have you been? No? Do you fancy coming along?' then you might be pleasantly surprised.

I think IwasHere has the same idea as me - you need to do the arranging and eventually things will fall into place...

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