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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think people don't really want to do anything much, ever?

57 replies

Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 09:32

Weekends are family time and you cannot intrude on this as a rule.

If people are working in the week they (totally understandably) don't want to or can't do anything then.

I'm on my own with children. I love them to pieces, I really do - but part of that is wanting to be a really positive role model to them and I'd like to see them see out, enjoy myself (I'm talking meeting friends for coffee potentially here by the way, not having a heavy night out!)

But how do you get through the barrier of family time?

OP posts:

Scoobydoo8 · 24/10/2015 10:27

Try meetup.com

Or start your own group locally!

Def hard at weekends but there must be people in the same boat though sometimes GPs step in at weekends and singles get a break that way.

It will take time, perhaps set a target of having a friend or two by next spring to spend weekend time with either on your own or with your DCs.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 24/10/2015 10:30

I completely get it. We are a bit guilty of this as a family and tend to do family things together. I think if a single parent friend said they were going. To 'XYZ' park/woods/beach nearby for a Sunday morning walk and did we want to come we would maybe be spurred into coming... In the winter it's harder but cafes in parks are my go-to way of having an adult conversation with kids in tow.

Good luck.

Ledkr · 24/10/2015 10:31

I get it op.
I was a LP for years and am now married to someone who works most weekends and married friends with kids the same age are with their husbands and don't seem interested in meeting up.
My friends who would meet up have older children so it's short lived as dd 4 starts to winge.
We are currently on our 2nd film of the day

GhostsComeWith · 24/10/2015 10:31

How old are your children OP and how many of them do you have? In light of your most recent post (we crossed posts) perhaps you need to broaden your circle of friends / acquaintances a bit if the ones you already have are so inaccessible?

Is there an activity you could get involved in on a Saturday locally (all this depends on the ages of your kids) that way you have a purpose to the day and a chance to meet new people.

It IS hard and it can be very lonely and it DOES take effort but you can do it! I say this as someone who lives 3+ hours from family so very rarely have extended family events at weekends and there are just 3 of us and dh works a lot of weekends so making our own way was crucial to happiness.

chrome100 · 24/10/2015 10:32

Make friends without kids?

I am childless and love my weekends, I see friends, go out, play sport, go to the cinema, go for meals etc.

I also have friends with children and enjoy taking them to the park etc.

KatieLatie · 24/10/2015 10:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 10:39

Thank you :)

There's an element of being reluctant to be the initiator, but that's mainly because I have found a typical conversation might go along the lines of 'have you been to XXX - I am taking the children this weekend, it would be great if you want to join us?' and they say no - not outright but 'Oh - we are seeing Simons mums aunt' and then if you suggest any other day in the future they can't or don't want to commit.

I genuinely think people are just busy and don't always want to have great big packed events. I understand that and sometimes they do happen but I'd say one weekend in four on average, which still leaves me most of the month alone!

OP posts:

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 10:40

Yes, but again making friends can be really hard and I don't have much confidence.

I'm just moaning I guess! I know tomorrow is going to drag!

OP posts:

comingintomyown · 24/10/2015 10:41

I completely understand too. I became a single parent when my DC were 10 and 13 which I think made it easier . You don't mention the father so I assume you don't have any weekends off ?

In my case what I did was arrange things well ahead, I think if you suggest a meet up of some kind and its two or three weeks away good friends will happily meet up without their DHs. Make lots of these kind of plans and hey presto weekends are busy ! As pp said you have to initiate things and let closer friends know how you are feeling but in a non needy way iyswim ?

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 10:43

That's the trick isn't it - trying to sound like you'd really like to see people without sounding desperate and needy!

Only one of mines school age - other two are babies.

OP posts:

comingintomyown · 24/10/2015 10:44

Ok I've just read your last posts ...

I think unless someone has been in this situation they don't understand and it wouldn't occur to them that actually you are trying to reach out for some company. It sounds like you are going to need to be a bit more honest and find out who your good friends are.

gingerboy1912 · 24/10/2015 10:46

Leaving I feel the same, I'm a lone parent of two teens so am not stuck at home as such but all of my friends and family are busy doing family stuff at the weekends, Friday pm contact seems to cease and then Monday morning suddenly I get a text saying "you free for coffee" Even if I text or call them on a weekend they rarely get back to me until Monday, but I totally understand why they do it, weekends are precious and families cram a lot into them, and I do try to get out and about but it's not always the same doing on your own on a very tight budget.

I have actually gone onto the Meetup site and joined a singles group that meet up on average once a month on an evening, they do bowling and drinks night etc, it's good once I'd plucked up the courage to go, but i still have a lot of weekends of feeling a bit lost trying to fill the time without bothering friends and family who are busy.

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 11:03

Ah, thanks I am glad it isn't just me then!

I suppose it is just something I have to try and get used to.

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 24/10/2015 11:14

I understand too - although not a LP, my DH works a lot of weekends and it's tough finding other people around.

However, once I started talking to friends about it, it turns out quite a few had DH's who worked at least some of the weekend, or had stuff they needed to get done and wanted peace and quiet. They'd often arrange to see family, but if you make it clear you're about on the weekends, people do start asking you. Now, however, DC1 has swimming on a saturday morning and rugby on a sunday, it's easier to say to other parents who's DCs are doing the same "fancy grabbing a coffee/lunch after training?".

Artandco · 24/10/2015 11:20

I think you just have to initiate something

So you say you have a school age child and x2 smaller. Why don't you invite some friends with similar age children over for a meal/ play, or arrange to meet out. Like others said you need to book in advance because people do get booked up. So asking for this weekend is usually too late, you need to say for the 2nd weekend in November

NuffSaidSam · 24/10/2015 11:44

Concentrate on the weekdays maybe? Go to playgroup or arrange a coffee morning or a meet-up in the playground/softplay. I think people are looking for things to do more during the week.

TheExMotherInLaw · 24/10/2015 11:49

Try looking for family events in the area - village apple day, christmas fair, come along and try... dancing, kids doing xyz. Find your local town or village facebook page, mums group, etc, and scour the whats on listings for events - lots of them are free. There will be halloween stuff happening this half term week. Go to a few things like that, and you never know who you might meet up with.

KeyserSophie · 24/10/2015 12:53

Tbh I think the fact you're a single parent does impact the dynamic, because some husbands won't want to tag along with you+DC and their wife+DC as lone male, so then the wife thinks "well if I spend the day with Leaving, it reduces time kids spend with their dad". It sucks but it's reality (By my own admission if DH is meeting Otherdad plus DC i tend to try to sneak off for a run etc. instead of joining them whereas if it was other dad and othermum i'd go. I must admit we're not big on family time though- follow more of a tag teaming model

I'm not saying this to make you depressed, but to point out that it's not as easy as some upthread would suggest. I sympathise as I do find kids in a pack so much easier to entertain.

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 15:15

Keyser, it doesn't depress me at all - it's definitely how I see it as well.

I'll be going back to work myself after Christmas anyway but toddler and baby groups don't seem to have much socialising in them outside of the group itself.

I have got a few things we are going to but again it's just me and the children and it is nice to talk to other adults.

OP posts:

Jinglebells99 · 24/10/2015 18:57

I don't know the type of place you live in, but where I live, a small rural town, if there is something going on, like a fete, food festival or pumpkin carving at the farm shop, if we go along, we are bound to bump into people we know. I think they are probably more people in the same boat as you than you realise. My dh often works away so we can be at a loose end, or one of my kids is out doing something so I'd be free with the other. I think it's always work asking what people are up to. Especially if there's something on locally thst you want to go to.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 24/10/2015 19:47

Leaving have you tried Mumsnet Local? Must be other people in the same situation near enough to meet up. If you say what you've said here, people know from the get-go what you want I get what you're saying, I was in the same position for a while.

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 19:59

Thank you :) Will look at Mumsnet Local.

It's hard, as I do understand why people want to be with their own families and I do ask but there is that fine line between looking desperate and just being sociable and I never know where it is! I try to get out and about with the children but we don't always bump into people we know and even if we do its a quick chat and move on.

It just makes me a bit sad. I do feel really lonely and it makes me miss the ex which is always dangerous.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 24/10/2015 20:14

It won't be like this forever. Children get older and then want to use you as a taxi service and have their own social lives, away from yours. You start to get more of 'your' life back.

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 20:16

I know, that's what worries me! At least my children are company now - in the future, it'll just be me, which is a bit crap!

OP posts:

museumum · 24/10/2015 20:20

My husband and I do sports. The one who isn't training or at a race will have our son on their own for a few hours. I love getting together with other friends and kids then.
For me it's Sunday mornings - dh cycles and my friends dh has marathon training. It's only a couple of hours but it's good to meet up.

So basically, try finding the mums or dads whose partners run or cycle or play another sport :)

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