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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want more from DH?

44 replies

messystressy · 21/10/2015 21:33

So I earn more than DH (even though I am part time). He changed jobs and I have bore the brunt of everything to help him in his probation period (ALL child sickness, appointments, hospital appointments, dentist etc). Tonight, for the first time this year, I asked him to come home early (flexible working, he can do this as long as he starts early) so he can help me in the evening so I can go to parent interviews at school. He went in early - but came home late (I still made interviews but just!). I have my own work, which is very stressful at the moment, plus had to deal with dinner, homework, responding to work emails, washing clothes, doing online shopping etc etc etc. I am pissed off that he promised to come home early, and didn't even call - just a text when he was on the train an hour and a half late already. There was no emergency at his work - I would say my job is much more stressful than his at any rate. It annoys me that we rely so heavily on my salary but then he acts as if he is the main breadwinner. Anyway, went to parent interviews, have come home and told him that he takes advantage and is inconsiderate - no blazing row, just told him firmly and he is now sulking in the other room, and HASN'T EVEN ASKED HOW THE PARENT INTERVIEWS WENT. Which infuriates me even more! AIBU?

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Original poster
messystressy · 21/10/2015 21:33

Wow, that's a long email for a fairly pathetic aibu...sorry!

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BitOutOfPractice · 21/10/2015 21:36

It's not pathetic at all. He sounds very selfish and disrepsectful. he clearlybelieves that he and his time is mor evaluable and important than you and

This kind of shit would be a deal breaker for me

Is he an arse in other ways?

BitOutOfPractice · 21/10/2015 21:37

It's not pathetic at all. He sounds very selfish and disrepsectful. He clearly believes that he and his time is more valuable and important than you and yours

This kind of shit would be a deal breaker for me

Is he an arse in other ways?

BathtimeFunkster · 21/10/2015 21:43

Tell him that if he wants to keep behaving as your lord and master at an absolute minimum he has to quadruple his earnings and furnish himself with a golden cock.

Otherwise he can respect his higher earning wife and stop acting like an absolute cunt.

Original poster
messystressy · 21/10/2015 21:45

I just feel like he doesn't bring much to the party. He takes the rubbish out, will do story time when I ask and will look after kids on weekend when I ask. But I plan our life - what holiday, what clubs kids might want to do, what we might do on weekend etc. He just goes with everything. He will do what I ask, but if I don't ask, he will do nothing. I don't really feel inspired by him, he feels a bit like a shackle, another child I have to tend to. It's very tedious. I have told him this, but he doesn't seem to take it in - even when I directly say "this is having a direct impact on our relationship, and how I view you as a husband"....

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Original poster
messystressy · 21/10/2015 21:49

Yeah, I sent him a message today saying that if he wants to act like the main breadwinner, then get a job on more money! I realise that it must be emasculating for him, or whatever, but I have worked hard for years. Based on what I see at home, I can well understand how his career has stagnated.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2015 21:52

How oart-time are you? Because it shouldn't matter what you earn, what should mater is the time and energy you bring. If he works 40 hours a week and you work/have the kids 30, that's 10 hours of shitwork!

However, default parenting is shit and he needs to understand that a commitment to come home at a certain time is a commitment. He needs behave as a parent.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2015 21:53

*part-time

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2015 21:53

I need to proof-read!

Original poster
messystressy · 21/10/2015 21:59

I work four days. I appreciate money shouldn't matter, but my job has saved our skin on more than one occasion and he doesn't seem to appreciate the effort it takes to keep it going. Plus do all the householdy stuff.

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Thefuckinggrinch · 21/10/2015 22:00

Sounds like he cannot cope with the fact you earn more and is acting very entitled, trying to convince himself that his job is more important. In reality in a family NO ONE is more important. You are simply just doing different things. One job is no more important than another. If you are both working/looking after kids/doing housework all of this is important and no one should be attempting to one up or martyr themselves to this. Stuff that needs doing gets divided up in whatever way works best for your family and done in order for your family to function. It's that simple.

You need to get these issues sorted out or it WILL affect and likely break up your relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2015 22:01

I work part-time, earn less than DH and do slightly more organising shit. However, he still does some cleaning, child-wrangling and so on. More importantly, he is very appreciative of me and I of him.

I can understand if you earn more, work is harder (if less time) and do all the housework and organising, that would get old quickly.

Thefuckinggrinch · 21/10/2015 22:03

I'm guessing you may be a teacher/deputy head or similar if your pay is higher for 4 days work. In which case 4 days is also not true as with these roles I bet you are also doing work at home and attending meetings outside of your hours (like tonight) There is no way you should also be doing all the house stuff etc as well whilst he sits there acting like he makes the world revolve unless you literally force him to do things. Confront the attitude he has and tell him he needs to sort it. It sounds very much like this is going to be a dealbreaker if he doesn't so tell him that.

Original poster
messystressy · 21/10/2015 22:13

You're right. We need to sort this out - I feel like we don't have much of a relationship at the moment. In the past, I have felt really stressed (as I would now) if he was to do pick up. I have visions of my children not being collected at all, or very late. I just want him to commit to family life more - be reliable, be proactive, anticipate things rather than sitting back... Worse of all, my children have much better relationship with me and often express preference for me. I have worked so hard on easing the situation (having them do fun things together, without me, talking to them about hurting Daddys feelings etc) but its still me me me engineering everything - no ideas from DH, just more sulking...

Wow. Ranting. Thanks for the responses, it helps do much...sometimes my empathy is lacking..

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saoirse31 · 21/10/2015 22:19

I think when your feeling your dh doesn't bring much to the table, tbh your relationship is pretty much beyond repair. You clearly have no respect for him, rightly or wrongly. I can't see where you'd go from here.

On other hand, presumably you fell in love with him once, so what changed, or who changed maybe?

lorelei9 · 21/10/2015 22:30

So you only work a day less than him, but do all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, life admin? That's not right at all, regardless of how money breaks down.

expatinscotland · 21/10/2015 22:31

Wow. I couldn't put up with that.

Duckdeamon · 21/10/2015 22:31

Are they his DC? If so why didn't HE want to go to the parents' evening?

Might he actually let the DC down by not picking them up?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2015 22:40

Worse of all, my children have much better relationship with me and often express preference for me. Oddly, I don't think it is the fun stuff that affects this. DD was a Mummy's girl until, at Christmas, we spent an ill, stressful, unpleasant holiday in the UK. We all got norovirus and DH took DD for two nights of throwing up and crying. After that, they are as thick as thieves.

Kids need to know who comes through when the shit hits the fan. DD knows DH is rock solid and won't let her down. Maybe they know your DH isn't and will.

Original poster
messystressy · 21/10/2015 22:42

Yes. They are his DC. He never mentioned coming tonight, and I obviously wanted to go (plus I am the one doing the homework etc).

What's changed? We had kids, I guess...I find him quite dull now. We used to be out and about and had separate hobbies, but now he just works or watches TV. I tried to rekindle one of his hobbies by buying classes for him - he just let the voucher expire.

It doesn't look good, does it?

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Original poster
messystressy · 21/10/2015 22:52

That's interesting Mrs TP. You could be right - they might pick up on that. It's such a shame - his father was exactly the same with his children (unreliable) and he curses him for it and they have a farce of a relationship, but can't see that he is being exactly the same.

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Jux · 21/10/2015 23:08

Not particularly. Have you told him clearly how his behaviour is making you feel, and just what you want from him?

MrsFrankRicard · 21/10/2015 23:09

YANBU however you do have a role in this too, you said that you picked up all appointments etc while he was on probation? Time to drop some of them to DH, he is perhaps so unreliable as you are too reliable in doing it all?? What would happen if you told him he needs to do XYZ appointments and a list of other tasks that you can't do as you are too busy?

Justaboy · 21/10/2015 23:13

I suppose, if it were me i might be feeling a bit put out because you were earning more than me, and seeing and I'm an old dinosaur and have olde world ideas it would grate a bit BUT even if ti were I'd be putting the effort in otherwise and would help with the children domestic stuff etc.

You give the impression that he's been on a probationary period has this or will this result in him being paid more so perhaps if that were the issue then that might help matters?.

Suppose, heaven forbid that there's not a bit on the side at work?.

He's not depressed at all seems a bit that way?.

Sounds like you two had better start some real talking else this all looks doomed i tells thee;!. Seems that you don't have any respect for him and he seems doesn't earn any:(

Original poster
messystressy · 21/10/2015 23:32

Who knows about bit of side at work - I doubt it though, I think he stands to lose too much. He knows I wouldn't stick around. Agree that he acts depressed but I think he just has low expectations in life. He is not glum - a perfect night for him is wine, newspaper and TV.

I was helping out during probation period as I didn't want him to be seen as unreliable at new job - the kids were sick a lot this summer. Agree I made a rod for my own back. No, no extra pay once probation completed, sadly.

He just seems emotionally stunted. When I said tonight that he let me down etc. he just looked at me silently. No "sorry", nothing. Which is pretty standard for him.

I still can't believe that he didn't want to know how the teacher interviews went.

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