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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want more from DH?

44 replies

messystressy · 21/10/2015 21:33

So I earn more than DH (even though I am part time). He changed jobs and I have bore the brunt of everything to help him in his probation period (ALL child sickness, appointments, hospital appointments, dentist etc). Tonight, for the first time this year, I asked him to come home early (flexible working, he can do this as long as he starts early) so he can help me in the evening so I can go to parent interviews at school. He went in early - but came home late (I still made interviews but just!). I have my own work, which is very stressful at the moment, plus had to deal with dinner, homework, responding to work emails, washing clothes, doing online shopping etc etc etc. I am pissed off that he promised to come home early, and didn't even call - just a text when he was on the train an hour and a half late already. There was no emergency at his work - I would say my job is much more stressful than his at any rate. It annoys me that we rely so heavily on my salary but then he acts as if he is the main breadwinner. Anyway, went to parent interviews, have come home and told him that he takes advantage and is inconsiderate - no blazing row, just told him firmly and he is now sulking in the other room, and HASN'T EVEN ASKED HOW THE PARENT INTERVIEWS WENT. Which infuriates me even more! AIBU?

OP posts:

Justaboy · 21/10/2015 23:41

Humm well it does seem he's not up to what you want and expect and I suppose you have tried to talk about it him?, OK know that's easier said then ever done but it doesn't look as if there's much of a future between you if it carries along like it does. I suppose he does resent you for earning more and maybe he just wants a quiet life and its not happening as he wants it to be. You want a more involved one.

As to the teacher interviews go, that seems it's off his radar;(

Namechangenell · 21/10/2015 23:44

Honestly? I think your life would be easier without him. It sounds as though you do everything anyway, so it probably wouldn't be much of a difference from now.

Axekick · 22/10/2015 06:28

Tbf if dh texted me about how I needed to earn more then came in from parents evening having a moan at me. I would ask either. Not because I don't care, but because I would rather wait until we are ok and have a proper chat. Nothing worse than having a normal conversation when one o you is pissed off about something else.

That said, he needs to up his game. Not entirely sure he will or that even if he does, it will be enough. It sounds like you have lost respect for him....do you think if you both work at it, you can get it back on track or is it too late?

Original poster

messystressy · 22/10/2015 07:44

I agree Axekick, but he's just avoiding me now and this won't be mentioned again, until the next time he let's me down. I have been very open about how I feel about our relationship, none of this is new to him. I guess I have to consider whether his positive points outweigh the less positive ones and get on with it, either way.

Thanks again for your responses... :)

OP posts:

Jux · 22/10/2015 08:18

He doesn't sound engaged with his family at all.

lorelei9 · 22/10/2015 09:02

messystressy "He just seems emotionally stunted."

I don't know that's the case, but many people won't do anything if they know someone else will do it for them.

I can relate to a perfect evening being TV but I'm not saddling anyone with duties when I do that.

CaramelCurrant · 22/10/2015 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/10/2015 09:40

Are you one of life's difficult people because you are really coming across like that: difficult; hard to please; stress and blaming.

No she doesn't

Damselindestress · 22/10/2015 09:48

Which OP did you read CaramelCurrant? I read a post about the OP wanting her husband to help more with childcare etc, not describing him as a piece of shit on her shoe! I think you are massively projecting TBH!

lorelei9 · 22/10/2015 10:02

Caramel, did you post on the right thread?

DH2R · 22/10/2015 10:05

He needs to buck up his ideas I'm certain - but there's definitely an undercurrent which CaramelCurrant and Axekick have picked up on.

Regardless of traditional roles I think it's extremely unfair to even mention in a negative way that your partner is earning less than you for more hours - or to make the assumption that because of this they're finding their hours easier to endure. You can't possibly know that. And their lack of complaining about those hours (in comparison to yours) in no way means they're less toll taking.

Do you think he'd respond better to positive re-enforcement of what he does do, as opposed to negative for what he doesn't, and for how disappointed you are in him as a husband?

Nobody's perfect.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 22/10/2015 10:14

I agree that he is feeling like a poor lickle man child because his wife earns more and manages to do it during fewer hours.

I also think that it's not the best making it about that with him, but seriously, who hasn't said something they regret at least once? I'm not sure I wouldn't be able to stop myself from letting rip about how he doesn't get to opt out because he does more hours and if he wants to be the big I Am then maybe he should buck his ideas up!

Not making much sense I know, but I'm on your side OP. He needs to be told he is at the moment a millstone around the neck of your family and either he takes note and changes, or fucks off.

CaramelCurrant · 22/10/2015 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whois · 22/10/2015 14:27

Doesn't sound like he is bringing much to the party like you say.

He doesn't pull his weight with, household chores, organisation, children related tasks, children related fun, or with you. Whilst at the same time npot even bringing in much cash to 'justify' his position.

Do you actually like him / love him any more? Do you want to be with him? Would you both go to counseling to try and improve things?

If you USED to get on and have fun with him, there might still be a little spark of that left, and with a bit of effort it can be rekindled. Or not, he might just be a lazy boring workshy creature and you might be better off on your own. At least you'd get every other weekend off probably!

whois · 22/10/2015 14:31

Other people have pointed to depression - if he does, he should get to the GP and engage with treatment. The OP shouldn't be expected to pick up all the slack for ever.

Although I do agree that if you've "been very open" about the problems in your relationship he might be feeling a it useless and unappreciated and instead of working harder to change things has just fallen into a "whats the point" cycle of being even more rubbish.

BillyBullshitter · 22/10/2015 14:41

Stop doing his washing, stop cooking his food, only do food shopping for you and the DCs.

If he wants to have the benefits of a partnership (like clean clothes turning up in your wardrobe) then he needs to bring something to the party as well..

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2015 14:41

If he enjoys wine, television and a newspaper in the evening, I doubt he has clinical depression.

KitZacJak · 22/10/2015 14:49

Not sure the earnings should come into it but it sounds like you do more than him ie, for example you work say 32 hours a week and he does 40 but it sounds like you do in excess of 8 hours more childcare/housework/cooking than him.

You need to be talking to him about taking on more of the burden at home. I don't think it is fair to mention his salary though.

FragileBrittleStar · 22/10/2015 15:06

I think the housework you do etc needs to be divvied up on the basis of hours rather than salary - ie you work part-time therefore you should do more of the childcare - but not all of it - but you need to sit down and talk about it calmly.
But it sounds like the issue isn't so much doing the work but taking responsibility for it - and he is using the classic excuse of "you wouldn't let go/you'd still want to control it/you'd only criticise me for doing it wrong" to get out of doing anything; or maybe you do make it difficult for him to do anything?? I think you just have to work out what you would trust him to do properly and then be prepared to let go responsibility for that task/role- after discussing it

It is difficult - I find it hard to see that I am a control freak .impossible standards (as DP sees it) while DP sees it difficult to see that he just doesn't do things properly/adequately

Also (and I KNOW this isn't the way I am supposed to think) - it is very hard when someone's work/working hours are seriously impinging on your (quality of) life when they are earning very little relatively speaking. DP earns very little but the time he spends working and the inconvenience to me is disproportionate and its hard to bite my tongue

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