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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To force dd to start brownies?

43 replies

Bogeybrains · 12/09/2015 22:23

DD painfully shy and has major SEN issues. Am desperately trying to think of ways to help. DD is so shy, she never wants to do anything out of her comfort zone. I was told brownies might do her good so I literally forced her to go despite her saying she really didn't want to. She made no effort to join in, just sat on the verge of tears watching despite the leader's coaxing. Some of the things they do would be really hard for her to do too even she did make an effort. The leader told me to bring her again and that she will end up loving it. She's already crying at the prospect of going again. I think it would do her good if she were to join in and enjoy it. If she goes, she will probably scream the place down. She is adamant she is not going. The next session is on Monday so I really need to make my mind up.Would you force her to go?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 12/09/2015 22:25

I wouldn't. Keep looking for something she wants to do and will enjoy.

starlight2007 · 12/09/2015 22:26

No I wouldn't..

I would work on other ideas, maybe come up with a list of things she could try.

Floralnomad · 12/09/2015 22:27

I wouldn't , I'd try and find something else , have you tried a martial art they are supposed to be good for building confidence or horse riding nothing better for a shy person than cuddling a pony - they are very understanding .

Silvercatowner · 12/09/2015 22:27

Forcing her will not make her enjoy it - quite the opposite I would've thought. Does she have to do stuff outside her comfort zone? Could you and her think of stuff that might be near the edge instead of outside?

ouryve · 12/09/2015 22:29

No, I absolutely would not.

Ineedmorepatience · 12/09/2015 22:33

I wouldnt force her but I used to go with Dd3 who has Asd!

She never managed it on her own but I became a volunteer and just helped her when she needed me!

Good luck whatever you decide

CarlaJones · 12/09/2015 22:35

No i wouldn't

leccybill · 12/09/2015 22:36

I think at 7, she is old enough to say 'no mum, this isn't for me'.

Ineedtimeoff · 12/09/2015 22:37

no. I believe it will only make her anxiety worse. S

Original poster

Bogeybrains · 12/09/2015 22:37

She will not entertain the thought of doing anything out of her comfort zone. I have just managed to get her to enjoy the cinema and theme parks/ fairground rides - that has taken a great deal of time and patience. She likes to play with 3 children at school. She will go to her cousin's house to play. She doesn't want to do anything else.

OP posts:

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 12/09/2015 22:38

Did you stay with her?
If you didn't you could try that, you join in do the activity encourage her to join in etc.

annandale · 12/09/2015 22:39

No I wouldn't, sorry. I would start with something a bit less overwhelming - like a new 1:1 friendship with a gentle child or something like that. Riding above sounds good or perhaps you could see if the Cinnamon Trust wants volunteers to walk a dog locally - but only if you can face it as she is clearly too young to be doing that alone.

Lurkedforever1 · 12/09/2015 22:39

I wouldn't force her. Do any of her close friends go to other packs? Or anyone she's comfortable with? Just wondered if perhaps she'd feel more confident if she had a close friend there who'd look after her a bit/ be a buffer at first for her shyness.

Original poster

Bogeybrains · 12/09/2015 22:42

Yes I stayed with her. It didn't help

OP posts:

CheesecakeDreams · 12/09/2015 22:43

Theme parks and rides can be scary! If she has SEN I imagine it feels faster, brighter, louder for her. It's nice that she does it but it isn't somerhingni would have pushed, iyswim?
Cinema, friends at school, occasional playdate with cousin. Sounds fine? Does she really need more now?
I think forcing brownies would make anxiety worse. Focus on self confidence etc and the boundaries of her comfort zone will slowly increase. She is still little if at brownies age so she has lots
Of time to explore the big wide world. !

Lurkedforever1 · 12/09/2015 22:53

I think in that case I'd leave it for a while, brownies will still be there in a year. Or guides in a few years. Second the horse riding though if she likes ponies/ animals in general. At beginner level it's a far less overwhelming environment, and the social side can be built up in her time. Plus depending on her Sen it can be beneficial in itself.

Turquoisedance · 12/09/2015 22:58

Brownies is meant to be fun so if she's not having fun then she's just not ready for it or it's not her thing.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/09/2015 23:55

No don't force her. If she doesn't want to be there, she won't get anything out of it.
Your DD could me as a child. I was appallingly shy, (I'm certainly not now, mind,) and my parents forced to me brownies karate ect and I hated it.
You do often find a shy child morphs into a confident assertive adult.

Morganly · 13/09/2015 00:11

Absolutely no. My mum, who is an attention seeking narcissist extrovert, was forever forcing me to do stuff which was hideously hard for me as a shy child. It made me worse not better. I eventually found my own way of socialising in a way which was comfortable for me much later in life when I was out of her clutches but I'm pretty sure that if she'd just let me be myself, I would have found my comfortable social place much sooner.

RachelZoe · 13/09/2015 01:19

No, don't force her.

Would something with horses be possible? Horses are incredibly therapeutic for a number of issues and it's group/social activity where your primary interaction is not with another person so can help with shyness/social problems.

herderofcats · 13/09/2015 02:35

No, I wouldn't make her go.

I was a shy child and my parents signed me up to Brownies, thinking 'it would do me some good'. I hated the whole idea and it felt like a horrible threat hanging over me.

Fortunately, Brownies had a new leader so you had to re-register and my parents never got round to it.

fatowl · 13/09/2015 02:41

I'm a Division Commissioner and Brownie leader

Please don't force her, it is meant to be fun.
Could you try a different pack? They can be very different, I'm involved in two Brownie packs, very different atmospheres.
As someone said, Brownies will still be there in a year or so, and maybe even wait until she is Guide age, or we even had a girl join at 15, straight into Seniors having missed Brownies and Guides altogether.

Also if she is only just 7, those bigger Brownies (9-10+) must look enormous and scary to her, so she might be better next year when she's not the littlest.

I agree if she likes animals, maybe look into riding.

My dd was very anti-social, had speech delay and was tested, but not diagnosed, for Aspergers, having difficulties at school having had to change schools at the end of Y1, HATED Rainbows. She didn't like the leaders, didn't like the crafts, didn't like the running around screaming (it wasn't the best unit TBF).
At 8 1/2, we gave it another go and she joined Brownies and LOVED it, it was her thing completely and it was very good for her socially.
She's now 17 and a Young leader at Brownies, the leaders say its like having a 17 year old Brownie, and she spends most of the meetings with Brownies hanging off her and joining in the games.

differentnameforthis · 13/09/2015 02:52

IMO, forcing her out of her comfort zone will only give her the impression that it is ok for adults to force you to do stuff you don't want to & could have massive implications, now & later in her life.

I wouldn't appreciate dh forcing me to go on fair ground rides (some of the petrify me) or forcing me to do anything, why would it be ok to do it to a 7yr old.

CaoNiMao · 13/09/2015 05:03

The woman who raised me forced me to go to Brownies against my will. I have found it difficult to forgive her!

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 13/09/2015 05:37

I definitely wouldn't force her. I didn't like it either. Too many people. I still don't like doing things in big gangs though it has taken me until the age of 50 for the penny to drop.

If she's happy with three friends at school and her cousin then I don't understand why she has to be forced out of her comfort zone. It may be that you yourself have a wide circle of friends, enjoy big parties and theme parks, but your DD is not you. SN aside she is her own person. Just because you are more social doesn't mean that she has to be. You may not have been happy with such a small friendship group but that may be her preference. I spent exhausting years running with the pack, maintaining lots of friends etc. But it's taken me until now to realise that actually that's not me. I far prefer small groups and am much happier not forcing myself to do things that I don't want to. Relief!

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