To ask your advice on dealing with this lady?

[difficultcolleague101]

Help!

I am working very closely with a lady and I am finding her really difficult.

She seems to think I am odd (I'm not! Honestly!) and it's as if she doesn't know how to treat me.

She laughs at me a lot and I do mean at - I will say something totally un-funny like 'the traffic is bad at the town centre' and she will burst into peals of laughter, punch me and sit there laughing saying 'you are funny, oh you are so funny.'

She asks me a lot of questions and I don't like answering them because they lead to further probing, mainly about my children. So yesterday we had 'bet you're dead strict, do you shout at them, do you smack them?' I was er no, don't have to - 'oh, you're a COOL mum then!' I feel like I keep needing to explain myself.

And I get my accent commented on a lot and she stares at me very intently - it really makes me uncomfortable.

Can anyone suggest anything to make the next four weeks bearable??

Be more assertive.

"Why do you want to know?"

"What's so funny?"

"It's none of your business"

Do you have a line manager you can speak to?

Not as such but in any case she isn't actually doing anything wrong, if you see what I mean. At the risk of sounding awful I don't think she is particularly bright and I think she is treating me like a curious child might poke at a peculiar object in its vicinity!

Do you work in the South of England by any chance?

If I did I would hardly say so!

Why do people do that?

It doesn't have to be her doing anything overtly "wrong"

I nearly had a mental health breakdown 7 years ago when I was working with someone who talked at me every shift we worked together and when she found out I was getting married, immediately began to fire a barrage of requests for invitations to the wedding. She had started 3 days earlier. It only stopped after I broke down in my review and sobbed at my manager that I realised it was a form of harrassment.

Difficult, what are your respective races / nationalities? I ask because I think sometimes people who feel "awkward" around "foreigners" often treat them like a quaint object of curiousity.

I second other opinions where I think you totally deadpan it: "Why is that funny?" When she has to explain it you may get to the root of where she's coming from. Or as you say, she could just not be very bright.

If it's only for 4 weeks, I'd just bite my lip unless there's a good reason to give feedback.

We are both white British but it is possibly fair to say our backgrounds and educational levels are vastly different.

So what's your accent? "Posh?"

Just be dead-pan and matter-of-fact with your responses to her.

Don't take it personally but if you, as you say, already find her odd then she might have the same feelings towards you. Ignore and detach r.e the comments she makes but if she's making negative comments about your accent that's something that needs immediate addressing with management.

If it was me, I'd make a field day out of it and play her at the same game but there is of course work to be done. So keep a log, make note of your interactions and see if anyone else is around to witness.

On occasion if she says something to you act as if you haven't even heard it. Smile and walk away. Get on with your day.

Reduce your responses. Sometimes when she asks, just go 'hmm' and nod/shake your head as if you're not really listening. Sometimes just say nothing. Go quiet on her.

If she laughs inappropriately I second just saying, 'why is that funny?' And then if she just laughs more ignore her.

Tune her out and stop giving in to her intrusive demands. She isn't conversing in a sensitive way with you so don't feel you are bound by convention and have to be 'nice'.

Just fire her questions back at her without answering.

"Why - do you smack your children?"

As an example...

I've found that works a treat

Apparently Ten although it certainly isn't. The difficulty is that it isn't intended as an insult - I am not so sensitive that I don't realise this! - but nonetheless it is irritating when I am dealing with 'you're posh, you!' in an amused voice. It irritates me and I don't fully know why. Perhaps because I constantly feel like a visiting alien.

She sounds really really annoying, but, as you've got to with with her, my advice would be to try and get to know her as a person. Ask her questions about herself and her family and stuff like that, and gradually you'll probably both start feeling more comfortable.
Maybe she's really shy, or feels intimidated because she's got a "very different background" and doesn't know how to communicate with you?
It might be worth making an effort for a few weeks to get things better between you.

I ahd to laugh at your user name TheCowThatLaughs considering the subject of this thread.

'had' I mean ^^

difficult I have exactly the same problem. I grew up in, and now live in, low-education areas, where everyone sounds like a chav. I don't judge, but I certainly get judged a lot, and I know a lot of people distrust me at first because I sound (and am) better educated than them, so I must be a stuck up bitch that is looking down my nose at them. I definitely feel like a "visiting alien" too.

I'm glad to hear it isn't just me Ten - I don't like the word chav, and wouldn't use it though. I think she is well meaning but I am finding it quite tiresome.

Having grown up around chavs I feel entitled to call a spade a spade

Couldn't think of any other way to describe the accent without outing my location.

If you can report her to someone, do so, references etc in the future rely on these things being picked up on, I would want to know if I had someone like that working for me, she sounds awful. Sorry you're having to put up with things like that, what a dick.

Sorry for the o/t question about where this is.

I don't answer people who I think are asking intrusive questions. Depending on how much I care what they think, I may try to make light of it, or just not bother.

I have a colleague who is convinced I have no dress sense at all, and he feels compelled to mention it every time we meet. I do quite like him, so I make light of it, even though I think he's being a git, and console myself with the fact that either he's the only one with that view, or everyone else has better manners.

Accent comments would probably result in a heated debate - and occasionally have, but in my case, only in the South of England, which is why I was curious, however it was a crass question given the circumstances.

If it's only for 4 weeks, as you say in your OP, could you grin and bear it?

hmm, laughing at things you say and acting like you're really funny. asking you lots of questions. I wonder if perhaps she is trying to flatter you and make you like her? Perhaps it stems from insecurity.

I realise that it doesn't make sense that doing annoying things can be intended to make you like someone but if someone doesn't know they're annoying, but thinks that they are showing that they find you funny and interesting.

Writing as someone with a "posh" accent and a degree from a good university (so long ago it doesn't count, though, and anyway, I've not had a "proper" job for years), in your place, I'd be worried about being perceived as a snob, both intellectual and class, if I were to report her to someone in the hierarchy for this behaviour. If that makes sense?