To ask your advice on dealing with this lady?

[difficultcolleague101]

Help!

I am working very closely with a lady and I am finding her really difficult.

She seems to think I am odd (I'm not! Honestly!) and it's as if she doesn't know how to treat me.

She laughs at me a lot and I do mean at - I will say something totally un-funny like 'the traffic is bad at the town centre' and she will burst into peals of laughter, punch me and sit there laughing saying 'you are funny, oh you are so funny.'

She asks me a lot of questions and I don't like answering them because they lead to further probing, mainly about my children. So yesterday we had 'bet you're dead strict, do you shout at them, do you smack them?' I was er no, don't have to - 'oh, you're a COOL mum then!' I feel like I keep needing to explain myself.

And I get my accent commented on a lot and she stares at me very intently - it really makes me uncomfortable.

Can anyone suggest anything to make the next four weeks bearable??

Say "sorry I can't chat I'm busy".

She punches you??

As in, on the arm? Seriously I would tell her to get fucked.

I've had the same situation with a colleague except with him there was always an undertone of resentment which wasn't nice. I tried a few things but found that the only thing that worked was agreeing with everything he said in an over the top jokey way. For e.g. If he'd asked if I was a strict mum I'd probably respond something like 'oh yeah I only feed them every other day and then only if they've memorised the extra homework I set them' he didn't really know what to do with that!

Was going to add that avoids giving personal information and getting too involved in justifying yourself.

Sounds like she wants to get dirt on you tbh. I think she thinks with enough digging she can bring you down in her estimation, as maybe she feels a bit threatened by your apparent 'higher class' status.
Tell her you don't diciplin your kids, nanny deals with them!

People with 'posh' accents and have 'good' degrees from 'good' universities don't often need to shout it from the rooftops. Similar with class, if someone is obsessed with it then often it shows more about their insecurities. Imho if it's something that someone has to point out about themselves then they are the ones with the problem. i.e. If I greeted every problem by saying 'well yes, I'm from x class and have a received pronunciation and have xyz degrees for abc universities' I'd never get anywhere in life or get along with anyone. These sorts of things can often stem from being an 'affected' sort of person.

FWIW, difficult, I think the reason you feel uncomfortable is that she's defining and judging you: you're funny; you're a cool mum; you're posh. It's verbal abuse, dressed up. Any statement that tells you what, who, or how you are, or what you think, feel, or want, is defining you and is, therefore, abusive. Such statements suggest and invasion of your very being, as if to say, "I've looked within you and now I'll tell you what you want, feel, etc." - Patricia Evans.

Jokey verbal abuse is normal in many walks of life. It can be a successful social bonding ritual if all the participants accept it as such, and give as much of it back as they get. Otherwise it's just bullying.

Firstly: No, she is not the judge of you and has no right to tell you what you are. Secondly, please do shut her down with clear & assertive answers. Listening to that for another four weeks will scramble your brain!

Don't hit me.
Why do you think that's funny?
Don't tell me what I am.
It's none of your business.
Don't be so nosey.
I'm working, please be quiet.

You don't have to be all smiley and nice to bullies. And, if she doesn't respect your stated boundaries, report her.

Garlick, that is an amazing post.

I can relate - I worked with someone who was definitely a real-life narcissist with possible sociopathic tendencies! She wanted to destroy any good feeling in the office. In the end, the best way to deal with people who are bloody weird is to just ignore them. That sounds like something your Mum would say, I know, but you just have to tune them out and give one word answers. And if it all gets too much - go and see your boss!

FFS, don't people work, at work?

Punching is beyond the pale!

I would deal with this by laughing along when she laughs at you, as though she's cracked a joke. Then just turn away and get on with your work, or change the subject. It doesn't sounds as if you are destined to be bosom buddies because she's a bit thick not on your wavelength and she is already having difficulty working you out, so just go along with it and be mysterious!

She sounds utterly harmless to me, if a bit irritating.

I grew up with people like this, people in my village, people in the shop where I had a Saturday job as a teenager.
Just humour her, it's only for a little while. Be pleasant.

"Verbal abuse" my arse. Only on Mumsnet.

I would just be polite but non-commital if I were in your shoes, I think, much like Miranda says. I find difficult people much easier to deal with if I make a conscious decision not to let them get to me. I think some of these 'assertive' answers are confrontational rather than truly assertive, and would risk making the situation much more emotionally charged and more awkward to deal with.

That said, you don't need to explain yourself to her - I do recognise that impulse in myself sometimes and have to, again, consciously shut it down. I think she sounds a bit insecure/threatened by you and is trying to make herself feel better.

Thank you, Atrocious!

It is, marina. I bothered to explain, if only you had bothered to think.

I grew up in the Black Country, where streaming insults is an art form. And yet I fully understand that persistent rudeness is abuse if not finely judged. OP's colleague isn't judging anything right, particularly OP.

OP, your description of her reminds me a little of my DH's cousin, who has vaguely-diagnosed special needs and is 16. She finds it very hard to carry on a (for want of a better word) 'normal' conversation - her default conversational gambit is to ask questions. Quite often she's perfectly aware of the answer to these questions - it's just a habit she's formed. She also laughs inappropriately - as in, she'll be told off for something, and will laugh as a nervous / habitual response. I'm not necessarily saying your colleague has special needs, but it may be that she's got communication issues which inform her behaviour. Does she do the same sort of thing with other people at work?

She sounds like one of those people who are very akward and don't know how to make conversation
Her laughing is her way of replying to your comments because she doesn't know how to.

Ita nothing to do with you being odd

She sounds socially awkward. Very embarrassing. I would be firmly non-committal. Don't encourage her.

Did you mean she actually physically punches you ?

Event though the verbal stuff and weird attitude is not on it can be a difficult thing to pin down...punching is an absolute no no

Punches you? On the arm?

Glue drawing pins inside your shirt.

I think I've experienced this. There was a woman who seemed to mock me for what she perceived as my 'fancy ways'. (I didn't drink instant coffee, you'd swear I was spreading caviar on to a carr's water cracker at break).

I was always polite to her. But she would roll her eyes whenever I spoke. If I said a word that had more than three syllables she would splutter.

I only finally stopped her in her tracks when I felt she was kind of inviting a culture in the office to tease me and mock me. That might sound a bit dramatic. Then I asked her slowly and calmly if she was alright? ARe you sure?! I told her "well that was unnecessarily unpleasant!" once. Which she knows in my polite way of speaking meant 'you're a cast iron bitch and I'm on to you now''. That was all it took and she backed down then.

She was a terrible gossip as well. One man had epilepsy and she told everybody he was an alcoholic.