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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is selfish behaviour?

51 replies

cabbageleaf · 10/08/2015 08:32

DP is from Spain, and in July we spent ten days at his parents, our first stay there since DS was born in October. Of course, his parents' daily routine is completely different from ours - they have dinner at 9.30 pm at the earliest. This meant we were never in bed before 11 pm. Now, DS is in bed at 7 pm and wakes at 5.15-5.30 am, and in July he woke at least four times a night because he was teething. We were absolutely knackered with the lack of sleep and told ILs more than once that we usually go to bed at 9.30 pm, otherwise we are just exhausted the next day. They made absolutely no effort to have dinner earlier, not even by half an hour, instead telling us "DS is on holiday too, put him to bed later". I am aware that this is a cultural thing and that Spanish babies are put to bed much later, but AIBU to think it is pretty selfish to expect a baby to change its routine during a ten-day holiday?

OP posts:
EatDessertFirst · 10/08/2015 08:36

Could you not have done your dinner earlier? Gone to bed when you felt like it not when ILs said?

There is some reasonable adjustment that should be made by visitors to another culture/country but you didn't need to be dictated to by your ILs. You and DH afe adults, you should have just stuck to your routine if thats what you needed.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 10/08/2015 08:39

Did you ignore them, make your own food and go to bed earlier?

If not, why?

Has this been playing on your mind since July?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 10/08/2015 08:39

So many questions Smile

SquinkiesRule · 10/08/2015 08:40

Didn't you all sleep in the afternoon so had a catch up then? If not I'd have just gone and eaten earlier and go off to bed when it suited me. You're on holiday too.

Original poster
cabbageleaf · 10/08/2015 08:42

Yes, it has. I find them a bit overbearing in general, and this is just one of the things I found annoying during our stay.

Making our own dinner?!? Not an option - DP's mother would have had a heart attack. To her, it would have been one of the rudest things we could have done!

OP posts:
LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 10/08/2015 08:42

I'd be making my own dinner earlier.

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 10/08/2015 08:44

Ah, well. She is rude for forcing you to stay up for so long despite you asking her to cook earlier.

WickedWax · 10/08/2015 08:45

I think you just need to let this go now.

Presumably you've no plans to go back any time soon, next time (if there is one) your DC will be older so possibly a bit more flexible and you can be more prepared, with a plan of action should you need an early night.

DadfromUncle · 10/08/2015 09:55

There's a post on Elmama's net (may not be a reliable translation) about selfish visitors that refuse to fit in. I know this is how it works in Spain, having been a few times. As a result I know I couldn't easily live there or spend significant time there as it really doesn't suit me. I wouldn't expect in laws to change lifetime routine for me though.

I don't think they are being any mord selfish than you - there isn't an easy answer.

DisappointedOne · 10/08/2015 10:34

As a night owl and the mum of another one I'm fascinated with this magical 7pm that (most) British babies seem to want to go to sleep at.

(Only 1 of my many friends with children has a child that has done the 7pm-5:30am pattern naturally - and they've been trying to change it for the past 5 years!)

Icimoi · 10/08/2015 10:37

Can you sneak out for a snack in the early evening and then tell the PILs that you're going to bed early so don't bother with dinner for you?

Charis1 · 10/08/2015 10:38

their routine fits in with their climate, you could have adjusted for 10 days, surely?

QuestioningStuff · 10/08/2015 10:40

I thought it was a given that routine goes out the window on holiday? When I took DS1 when he was small he just had a nap in the day and we went out to eat late at night. Not much of a holiday otherwise?!

Fishwives · 10/08/2015 10:43

To be fair, to many Spaniards, having dinner at, say, seven o'clock would seem as weird as a foreign guest wanting you to have it at three pm...

CherryBonBon · 10/08/2015 10:46

Hmmm I think you could be a wee bit more flexible.

I don't think it's the end of the world for routine to go out the window when on holiday. DCs can always nap during the day siesta style.

I like to make an effort to enjoy the culture of wherever I'm visiting.

My DSis is married to a Spaniard and lives there and has an overbearing MIL so I know exactly what you're dealing with.

FarFromAnyRoad · 10/08/2015 10:50

It's the way things work in Spain - and Italy. Your DP would surely not have been surprised at that? Did he brief you upfront?
I simply don't understand this ridiculous outrage that people from another culture refuse to change the ways of a lifetime to accommodate the rather parochial views of visitors - do you not think it extremely rude to expect that of them? You were on holiday. Did you take advantage of the glorious tradition of the siesta? I'm afraid that to me you sound as though the rod up your arse has a rod up it's arse.

SelfRaisingFlour · 10/08/2015 11:03

I think your in-laws and some other posters have forgotten how bad sleep deprivation with a young baby feels.

I don't think the world has to stop because of a baby, but they could have been more understanding of your need to get some sleep.

I also would have done my own meal and gone to need when I needed to, but I don't have an overbearing MIL.

SelfRaisingFlour · 10/08/2015 11:05

O meant "gone to bed".

3littlefrogs · 10/08/2015 11:10

I think a siesta would have been the way to go. Did the grandparents not have a rest in the afternoons? In most hot countries it is usual to have a rest in the hottest part of the day and have a longer evening when it is cooler.

My DC adapted pretty well to this when they were young and we spent 3 or 4 weeks visiting the far East in the summer holidays.

WickedWax · 10/08/2015 11:13

11 years on, with hindsight and the benefit of more sleep I now realise that life would have been slightly more pleasant if I'd unclenched a bit a lot when DS was a baby/toddler, especially on holiday.

Anyway, as I said earlier, time to let it go.

Ruminating a month later, on how selfish your in-laws are, will be doing nothing good for you, just adding to the irritation and dislike you already feel toward them.

ghostyslovesheep · 10/08/2015 11:21

I agree wicked especially with my first - very pfb and routine stressed!

That said I did tend to relax on holiday a bit but I feel for the op

PrimalLass · 10/08/2015 11:27

If you have a very routiney baby then a couple of days of doing something different can throw it all for weeks.

I feel your pain OP, as messing with DS's routine would mean lots of sleepless nights for a long time afterwards.

Bejeena · 10/08/2015 13:26

No it is not selfish behaviour, it is just a cultural difference and I think you could have relaxed a but more

Apathyisthenewblah · 10/08/2015 13:46

Did you not grab a siesta? My inlaws live on Ibiza and that is what they do, including the kids so they can have dinner later.
Yanbu to have hated the sleep deprivation though. I take it DPs parents are not the you go and have a rest we will take the baby for a bit grandparents. (My lovely mum and inlaws are - they are a godsend!)

Booboostwo · 10/08/2015 14:09

I don't think either party was being unreasonable. They had their routine that fits in well with a hot climate and it was their home. You had a baby who can't easily change habits. The mistake was staying with them. Stay at a hotel next time and see the ILs when it suits you.

DS is a 7.30-6.30 baby. We went to BIL's wedding in Greece which didn't even start till 8. DS made it to 11pm, the music went on until 4.30am and DS had me up at 6.30 anyway so I had to grab him and go off somewhere where he would not wake up everyone else!

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