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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

(stbx)mil cut dd's hair

46 replies

whogrewoutoftheterribletwos · 09/08/2015 14:05

Please give me some perspective here:

Kids were away at their gm's for a holiday. Got back yesterday. Discovered she had taken it upon herself to cut dd a fringe. dd is 2 and had never had a haircut up until this point. She had no split ends and it was growing out. stbxh claims it's because she decided it was in dc's eyes (it naturally swept to the side and out of her eyes). It's also been done badly and is awkward around the sides and not completely straight. AIBU to think she's completely over-stepped the mark, as she does NOT get to decide what my dd looks like? I'm really pissed off about it. I possibly might be over-reacting though as I am a complete mess at the moment

OTOH she has form for this - dressing ds in the most god-awful clothes, combing his hair into ridiculous side partings, deliberately over-ruling/ignoring my wishes on various things (not appearance related). I've told the dc's father to tell her I'm really unhappy about this and not to dare do it again

OP posts:
LastingLight · 09/08/2015 14:14

Did she ask the father's permission first? If he told her she could do it then you can't blame her. Otherwise YANBU.

yogababymum · 09/08/2015 14:15

What a bitch, id call her & tell her yourself. Exh will prob not bother, especially if he's the wank that let her do it.

laffymeal · 09/08/2015 14:15

I would be very upset at this.

It happened to a friend of mine. Her MIL took her DD out for the day, got her haircut and her ears pierced. Couldn't understand why friend wanted to kill her (MIL, not DD, lol).

This woman had form though. They went on holiday once and MIL had their house painted and decorated to HER taste whilst they were away, she was a bono fido bonkers, kangaroo loose in top paddock nutjob.

Penfold007 · 09/08/2015 14:17

Whilst I understand your annoyance your post suggests that your children's father gave his mother permission to cut your child's hair. As their father he can make such decisions when he has care of them.

TenForward82 · 09/08/2015 14:18

I would be upset too, a haircut is a big thing. However your reaction depends on how much you want to fall out about it.

I know it's not the point, but can you fix the wonkiness of it?

PegsPigs · 09/08/2015 14:21

First haircut is a big deal YANBU. Cutting in a fringe is a big choice for her parents not her DGM to make.

thecatsarecrazy · 09/08/2015 14:22

My mil is the same. Took my son to visit Santa before I could, gave him his first hair cut, got very put out when me and dh bought the boys an outfit each for my bil upcoming wedding because she said "she would do it". Seeing as her outfit for mine and dh wedding cost £1.50 from Primark I didn't want to take a chance Wink. As annoyed as you are now you will get over it, her hair will grow

lessthanBeau · 09/08/2015 14:22

I would hit the roof if anyone, even dh, decided to have DDs hair cut without consulting me, YADNBU! although I am quite anal about DDs appearance, because she doesn't care how I dress or style her I have carte Blanche for now, I have a grown up DD so I know this won't last long so I'm enjoying it while I can. I once had a dream where sil had taken her and had her hair cut and I was furious even when unconsciousConfused

waitaminutenow · 09/08/2015 14:30

Yep....I would hit the roof!! And of dh had any involvement he'd better start running!!!! YADNBU!!

Original poster
whogrewoutoftheterribletwos · 09/08/2015 14:31

I don't think her father gave express permission. I think it was when she was looking after dd and took it upon herself to do it. Glad I'm not being entirely U

OP posts:
avocadotoast · 09/08/2015 14:37

YANBU, I'd be livid.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 09/08/2015 14:38

I'd be stratospheric at this, absolutely raging and she would get a very unpleasant if perfectly polite and calmly delivered speech from me on the merits of backing the hell off.

As for the woman who got a child's ears pierced without consent, I'd have her cautioned for bodily harm and I'd have had the piercing studio hauled up in front of the authority for allowing a non-parent to sign the forms.

Who the fuck do these people thing they bloody well are?!

BitOutOfPractice · 09/08/2015 14:45

God I'd be LIVID but if your exH said it was OK you are stuck I'm afraid

purplepandas · 09/08/2015 14:46

I would be livid too Op. YANBU. Your MIL is totally unreasonable and out of order hugely.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/08/2015 14:49

Mothers don't have total veto over everything. MN is a strange parallel universe sometimes and it makes me absolutely cringe. Mothers are not automatically the Uber parent where there is another one and children are not possessions.

OP... even though this will be your EX MIL at some point, she will always be your daughter's grandmother and her father will always be her father. Do make an effort to maintain those relationships - for your daughter's sake. If you don't like something they say or do then say so, calmly and firmly if necessary, but you don't get to dictate everything in your daughter's life where she has another parent.

Bellebella · 09/08/2015 14:51

I would be livid, it's a big thing a haircut and one only the parents should do imo. I could not stand my mil overstepping the mark like that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/08/2015 15:00

OP doesn't like the way MIL dresses the child either. I lost sympathy at that point. It's just another MIL bashing-thread, I think.

pretend · 09/08/2015 15:06

It's a trim and it'll grow back. No biggie.

If I wanted her to grow it out though I'd mention it and let her know she's not to cut it in future.

It's a haircut, not FGM.

Theycallmemellowjello · 09/08/2015 15:10

I have one that age and never thought of 'first haircut' as being a thing, I have to say. It is a bit prickly of her to have done it, but tbh she probably just genuinely thought it was getting in her eyes, rather than it being a power play. And are you certain DD's father didn't approve it? I think I'd probably just tell her you'd rather take care of this stuff yourself in future.

ReginaFelangi · 09/08/2015 15:16

I'd have hit the earth's outer atmosphere.

DD cut herself a fringe age 3. Her hair is really long and even 18 months later it doesn't blend properly with the rest.

ollieplimsoles · 09/08/2015 15:32

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Would go ballistic at this. And I would tell her myself, would not just do it through ex husband

Original poster
whogrewoutoftheterribletwos · 09/08/2015 15:42

OK - asked exdh. No permission requested or granted. Took it upon herself. I know that she will always be the kids' gm and have a place there. stbx and I are maintaining a friendship because we think it's important for the dcs that we get on, even if we can't maintain a marriage. However, I do think this was over-stepping the boundaries and am really cross about it

In response to the 'mil-bashing' thread pp - the reason I don't like the clothes she chooses are because my ds arrived back 2 years ago from a visit in a lurid green shirt with purple pinstripes, neatly buttoned all the way up and tucked into a pair of barely fitting tight white jeans. Stbxh agrees with me on her 'dress sense' for children, especially after being subjected to it himself as a child.

OP posts:
FluffyMcCloud · 09/08/2015 15:48

My MIL did this. She was looking after my son and cut his fringe, then DH told me he had done it cos he knew how angry I would be with MIL. It was really wonky and shit too.

But what was funny was at a family gathering the next day my sister asked me who had cut Ds fringe and I said it was my DH, my sister started saying "haha it looks awful look how wonky it is" my MIL overheard and said "actually I cut it". Hilarious. And so horribly awkward for everyone, my poor sister, stupid lying DH and MIL chopping my baby's hair without permission!

I told MIL i had no idea she had cut it and it surprisedme that she had as it wasn't the kind of thing I would expect someone other than a parent to do, and it was a shame because I had liked it longer. She never did it again. (She also hasn't really bothered much with any of us since!)

Pumpkinette · 09/08/2015 15:51

My mum took it upon herself to cut DD a fringe when she was 2. I went mental with her and she genuinely couldn't see the problem (using the it was in her eyes excuse). She hasn't tried anything like that since other than buying DD 2 Shetland ponies without asking me first

First haircuts are a big deal so you have every right to be upset over this OP.

Rjae · 09/08/2015 15:59

Just take DD to a real,hairdresser to get it straightened and don't get upset about it.

What you have to look at is are the children happy there? Do they have a fun time? Does the mil love and care for them (even if the treats are not to your taste, ditto clothes)?

I'd get more upset if she fed them sweets and biscuits all day and stuck them in front of the TV.

You need to ask yourself if it was your mother would you be so upset?

My mil too has form for this and cut DSs hair to the point it looked like he had gone through a hedge trimmer.