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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure if I'm handling this correctly...

42 replies

MischievousNaughty · 05/08/2015 16:01

My son is 10 and has regularly played with a boy of the same age from a few doors down. This other boy has a bit of a chaotic homelife (loads of animals, dirty messy house and his mum tried to kill herself last year) so I've always made allowances for any bad behaviour from him because I feel bad for him.

He's always been very forward ie/ not scared to ask me directly for food, asks personal questions, behaves inappropriately at times. For example, he once said he wanted to have sex with my son and my son ended up hiding under the bed while the boy was rubbing his penis by my son's bottom. I have not allowed sleepovers and the door always remains open now if he's over.

My son and he get along okay most of the time but this boy can be very bossy and quite manipulative which my son doesn't know how to handle. This boy tends to hang around in a group of other kids and they're all quite rowdy which my son gets scared by (my son is a very anxious child).

Anyway, a week ago they were up the fields by our houses playing and when my son came home he said this other boy had hit him in the neck and threatened to strangle him if he came home for his tea.

Now my son doesn't want to play with him any more but he and his mates keep banging on the door, asking him why he's being "weird" and why won't he come out?

I'm so worried because these boys will be going to the same secondary school as my son in a year's time and I don't want my son to be a target. Should I confront this boy? Should I just keep out of it?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/08/2015 16:21

Blimey, I don't know how you'd deal with this. Why did you let him keep on playing with your son after he was sexually inappropriate?

Your son will have other friends at school and this lad will find other people to knock around with. Your problem is this summer, really. Is your son happy to just spend time with you and the rest of the family? I would always be the one to go to the door, if I were you, and would say he wasn't allowed out.

ollieplimsoles · 05/08/2015 16:25

Wow. Sorry but the sexual inappropriate behaviour would be a final straw for me.

At secondary school your ds will have other friends to hang around with. Til then my son would not be seeing this boy at all, and he would not be allowed in my house.

Could you contact the school and ask them to look into it?

WorraLiberty · 05/08/2015 16:26

I'd be very pleased that your son doesn't want to play with him any more. In fact I'd be punching the air.

Between you and your son, just take turns in answering the door and telling them he's busy/doesn't want to play out.

Secondary school will sort itself out, so I wouldn't be worrying about that a year before it happens.

CrapBag · 05/08/2015 16:29

This would have stopped at the moment of the inappropriate sexual behaviour. Your duty is to your son, not this other boy. I'd be telling them all in no uncertain terms that they aren't to knock at your door again and your son will not be playing with them. I'd be very wary of this boy and what he could do to your son....

DoJo · 05/08/2015 16:31

Just as an aside, acting out inappropriate sexual scenarios can be a sign of abuse - I assume that social services would already be involved if the mother has been suicidal (is that even a realistic assumption), but do you feel the situation warrants a call from you to let them know about this facet of his behaviour?

Original poster

MischievousNaughty · 05/08/2015 16:32

Thanks - to answer the sexual behaviour thing, I really didn't know what was best to do about it. It could have just been play that got out of hand or perhaps the boy is sexually abused? I didn't want to make a big fuss in case it got the boy in trouble with his family - they don't speak much English so communication is difficult and they already had a social worker visit due to the suicide attempt.

OP posts:

DoJo · 05/08/2015 16:35

Sorry - to be clear, I meant a call to social services rather than the parents. If they are already aware of the child and involved with the family then it might be something they would be able to keep an eye on at the same time. He sounds very vulnerable, but that's no reason to put your son at risk of being hurt, either physically or emotionally. However, it sounds like you could be in a position to let those who can help him know that he might need more support.

Original poster

MischievousNaughty · 05/08/2015 16:37

In hindsight I think I made a mistake allowing them to play together after the sexual incident but at the time there was no violence and I didn't want to punish the boy if he was just acting out. Also, my son wanted to play with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

MischievousNaughty · 05/08/2015 16:38

Dojo - the sexual incident was a year ago - isn't it a bit late to mention it to social services now?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/08/2015 16:41

OP did you post about the sexual incident at the time?

I think I have a vague memory of it, might have been someone else though.

DoJo · 05/08/2015 16:43

I'm afraid I am far from an expert in these things, but if the child is currently displaying violent behaviours which are concerning you, then it might be worth contacting them about that and mentioning the sexual behaviour as well. I have a very minimal understanding of the way safeguarding is dealt with, but the overall emphasis seems to be to report anything that concerns you and let someone who is qualified decide whether it warrants further action.

Original poster

MischievousNaughty · 05/08/2015 16:44

Worra no I don't think so...I can't remember!

OP posts:

Happy36 · 05/08/2015 16:46

Either fob him off saying your son is ill or busy, etc., or, if you are worried about the other boy, speak to his parents or social services.

Welshmaenad · 05/08/2015 17:19

You absolutely need to protect your son from this boy. You also need to contact social services about his violent and overly sexualised behaviour, for his sake. Attempting to simulate anal sex is not normal play behaviour.

Whatisaweekend · 05/08/2015 17:22

I would get other kids around for playdates so that your son isnt bored and has other people to socialiase with. Also gives a legit excuse when these others knock so you can say "sorry, he has got some other friends over today. Perhaps another time".

yogababymum · 05/08/2015 17:25

You let the friendship continue even after he sexually assaulted your child!!! About time you opened your eyes, stop this now for good.

I would have called the police if someone did this to my child.

londonrach · 05/08/2015 17:25

Sorry the sexual behaviour should be reported as potentially this boy could be playing out something happening at home. No way should your son be playing with him.

Faye12345 · 05/08/2015 21:25

You need to think about reporting this to local children's services as a safeguarding as god knows what that boy has been/being exposed to to behave like that !

The5DayChicken · 05/08/2015 21:31

You've made far too many allowances for this boy already IMO. Though this probably isn't the 'correct' way to go about things, I'd be answering the door next time he knocks over and have a very firm word about hitting your DS and threatening to strangle him, along with telling him the consequences if he does, then send him on his way. There will be plenty of new people for your DS to become friends with in high school.

wheresthelight · 05/08/2015 21:34

I understand why you have allowed the friendship to continue but I think perhaps now is the time to involve his parents and ever the authorities. His behaviour has gone beyond abusive and of your son is feeling threatened and intimidated then you need to act.

This other boys home life is not your concern, your priority has to be your own son

threenotfour · 05/08/2015 21:35

I am so shocked that you still allow this child around your DS. I can't believe even more that you let them go off to fields on their own after his previous sexual conduct. You are putting your son in serious danger.

As Yogababymum said - it's time you opened your eyes. Big time.

For the boy's sake you should raise the sexual behaviour that you witnessed to social services - not the parents. He could be being abused. Don't worry about what you think worry about they fact that he could be being raped and you have done nothing about it.

I'm still shocked that you let him go in to a field with your DS after the intial incident.

ButtonMoon88 · 05/08/2015 21:38

The incident needs to be reported. How would you feel if you heard he had done that to a girl? Regardless of home life, that behaviour is unacceptable, and if the right people know about it, this boy can get the support he needs

The5DayChicken · 05/08/2015 21:38

The5DayChicken · 05/08/2015 21:45

Didn't mean to post the same thing twice . sorry

crumblybiscuits · 05/08/2015 21:49

Why would you leave him and your son unaccompanied at all after the sexual assault? He would not be coming anywhere near my child after that and I would be straight on the phone to social services as he is clearly suffering greatly at home.

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