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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure if I'm handling this correctly...

42 replies

MischievousNaughty · 05/08/2015 16:01

My son is 10 and has regularly played with a boy of the same age from a few doors down. This other boy has a bit of a chaotic homelife (loads of animals, dirty messy house and his mum tried to kill herself last year) so I've always made allowances for any bad behaviour from him because I feel bad for him.

He's always been very forward ie/ not scared to ask me directly for food, asks personal questions, behaves inappropriately at times. For example, he once said he wanted to have sex with my son and my son ended up hiding under the bed while the boy was rubbing his penis by my son's bottom. I have not allowed sleepovers and the door always remains open now if he's over.

My son and he get along okay most of the time but this boy can be very bossy and quite manipulative which my son doesn't know how to handle. This boy tends to hang around in a group of other kids and they're all quite rowdy which my son gets scared by (my son is a very anxious child).

Anyway, a week ago they were up the fields by our houses playing and when my son came home he said this other boy had hit him in the neck and threatened to strangle him if he came home for his tea.

Now my son doesn't want to play with him any more but he and his mates keep banging on the door, asking him why he's being "weird" and why won't he come out?

I'm so worried because these boys will be going to the same secondary school as my son in a year's time and I don't want my son to be a target. Should I confront this boy? Should I just keep out of it?

OP posts:

plentyavino · 05/08/2015 21:50

You actually let them play together after the inappropriate sexual behaviour.

Fucking hell. Your poor son.

Wake up and look after your own child in what must be a horrible and troubling time for him.

CrapBag · 05/08/2015 21:52

What the others said. Time shouldn't matter. There is clearly a lot going on here and it needs to be looked into. That isn't normal for a 10 year old.

murderedbystress · 05/08/2015 21:55

You have a duty to ALL children to contact social services/police, no matter what you are 'afraid of', when sexual inappropriateness has been experienced.
It is never too late. Already in the news we are hearing of celebrities being brought to justice for allegations of historic sexual abuse.
I think you have been shockingly soft and need to be proactive about this immediately. You already have a lot of evidence and concerns. Mumsnetters are not going to be able to help you except tell you what you should have already done. So do it now!

Runwayaway · 05/08/2015 21:56

I think that (besides all the above answers) you need to give advice to your little boy on how to stick up for himself. As you said he is an anxious child, it would be a shame for him to be an anxious adult.
I've always told mine to not be afraid to say no.

MammaTJ · 05/08/2015 22:10

Maybe ringing childline etc and seeing what they have to say. I think this behaviour needs reporting, the child needs rescuing from the situation he is in.

Your son is doing OK and telling you all the way, loads of praise for that, rather than the automatic handwringing!

Keep supporting your son in staying away from him! It is ok to do so when he feels (is) unsafe!

Balanced12 · 05/08/2015 22:13

I can only echo other posters I am surprised you have not taken action thus far you need to prioritise the needs of your son. And pass on your concerns about the other boy, the opinion thoughts and feelings of others should never come before the wellbeing of your own son.

Sorry I am very surprised by your condoning of the boys behaviour so far

Runwayaway · 05/08/2015 22:17

You also need to make sure your little boy does not grow up to be an anxious adult. Please let him know that he is amazing and allowed to say No in certain situations

wotoodoo · 05/08/2015 22:50

OMG your poor son! Have you really found out everything that boy could have done to your son? Do you think he might be anxious because of this boy?

I think you need to tread carefully and sensitively to get the whole picture.

pinktrufflechoc · 05/08/2015 22:54

Oh gosh sorry OP but I'm also quite shocked you allowed them to continue playing together after this - the message your son has got is that it's okay for others to use his body to give them pleasure as their life is hard - that's a poor message.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 05/08/2015 23:01

call social services tomorrow. get professional support with this. for your DS

bolleauxnouveau · 05/08/2015 23:15

yy to reporting the inappropriate sexual behaviour.

Has your son always been anxious or has his anxiety manifested more since knowing this boy? You need to protect your son.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/08/2015 23:42

This boy is displaying signs of having been physically abused and sexualised at an early age and his behaviour must be brought to the attention of the police/Social Services without further delay.

I expect he's running wild and loose during the school holidays and I doubt you'd ever forgive yourself if you fail to alert the authorities and another child isn't as lucky as your ds and comes to serious harm, or worse, at his hands/those of his gang members.

Getting these incidences logged before your ds commences secondary school will ensure that teaching staff can promptly take the appropriate action should he find himself being targeted by this boy and/or members of his gang. Do they attend the same primary schoool?

Praise your son for his bravery in telling you about what took place when he wanted to come home for his tea. Tell him its okay to feel anxious and reassure him that the more he speaks up and speaks out, the less anxious he will be

Please talk to your/his GP about a referral to a child pyschologist/therapist so that your son can be helped to deal with his fears.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/08/2015 03:05

I do think that SS should know about the boy, but I am NOT going to pass judgement on OP for what she did or did not do a year ago.

OP, firstly, tell your son that you are proud of him for realizing that these are not nice boys and that he is being wise in not wanting to be friends with them.

They'll probably stop knocking on the door after while. Or he can always fall back on the old "my Mum/Dad won't let me out to play"

Canyouforgiveher · 06/08/2015 03:53

the boy was nine when he was sexually inappropriate with your son. I think you should have reported this to SS. God knows where he is getting this behaviour from but it isn't because he is an inherently bad child - it is because of what is going on in his own life. It is not to late to report it now.

You should also look for support for your son. I would also be concerned that there were incidents that you didn't know about.

Goddess says it best.

CaoNiMa · 06/08/2015 04:22

I was in a similar situation when I was about the same age as your DS. Hopefully it will serve as a cautionary tale.

My mother was friends with a lady (let's call her Sylvia) whose daughter (Joanne) was my age. Joanne and I used to play together, at our mothers' encouragement. I didn't like some of the games Joanne wanted to play (looking back, she had clearly been abused) but my mother insisted that I still play with her, so she wouldn't lose face in front of Sylvia and cause an awkward situation. I have never forgiven my mother for not fighting my corner and putting my interests before Sylvia & Joanne's.

Lightbulbon · 06/08/2015 08:28

The boy in question is a child in need. We all have a responsibility towards vulnerable children.

Contact the social worker and tell them your concerns.

Sexually inappropriate behaviour in a 9yo is a huge red flag for child sexual abuse. Goodness knows what's happened to him or other children if there's an abuser behind this situation.

The mother could well be being abused to which may have been behind her suicide attempt.

The social worker can't help them as much as she could if she doesn't have all of the facts.

mindthegap79 · 07/08/2015 09:39

Sorry OP but I'm very shocked that you let your son carry on playing with this boy after the sexual assault, which is what it was. I'm a child protection officer and really urge you to contact social services. The number will probably be on the council's website. When you get through ask to speak to the duty social worker. Or you could call the NSPCC if you prefer. Make the call though. Behaviour like that is not normal and is indicative of sexual abuse. Also, I really don't want to be overly harsh and worry you but I would be very concerned that this might not be the only time your son has been assaulted. Don't worry that it was a year ago. This behaviour could continue to escalate as the boy gets older too, and you need to act now.

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