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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this too soon?

49 replies

SandysMam · 03/08/2015 12:22

A very good friend of mine died exactly 3 years ago. Her and her husband were very much in love. He has just announced he is getting married again and as much as I want him to be happy, I can't help but feel it is too soon and he is being disloyal to my friend. I know I will get flamed as the poor sod has lost his wife but it just makes me feel like people will think he can't have really loved my friend if he can take the same vows just three years later. Feeling down so please go gently!

OP posts:

GoooRooo · 03/08/2015 12:24

I don't think it's too soon. I think people grieve at different rates and just because he's ready to move on with his life and marry someone else doesn't mean he loved your friend any less.

I know it must be hard for you and you sound like you are still grieving for her, but if I died I would want my husband to go on and be happy and so would want my friends to be happy for him - or at the very least to accept it and make no comment on it.

MammaTJ · 03/08/2015 12:25

Oh, this must be so hard for you to deal with but I genuinely believe he will have loved her, still loves her but is just wanting a bit of happiness in his life. That is perfectly fine. This new woman will not replace your friend, but will provide that for him!

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2015 12:25

I think three years is a very reasonable length of time. It's a hell of a long time, when you think about it. Would you prefer him to be miserable and lonely for longer?

How long do you think your female friend would have waited to remarry?

CognitiveIllusion · 03/08/2015 12:26

My friend's Mum died a couple of years ago and her Dad got married again a year later! No suggestion at all that she was an OW, he just met her very quickly after his wife's death and they decided to get married. My friend did struggle with it tbh, but at the end of the day she wants her Dad to be happy, not lonely, so she has tried to see it as a positive thing. I hope that you can see it this way too

unlucky4marie · 03/08/2015 12:26

Neither are unreasonable. Your two different people.

I had the same issue, however after 18 months.

Was it a long illness or a sudden death?

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2015 12:26

My friend's dad, on the other hand, was on dating sites when his wife was dying in hospital...

BoredAdminGirl · 03/08/2015 12:26

YABU

Sorry to hear about your friend but you have no right to decide when he should move on. Just because he is getting married, it doesn't mean he has forgotten your friend. You should be happy he is moving on with his life

Original poster

SandysMam · 03/08/2015 12:27

Thank you! I just needed to put it out there and get some good old Mumsnet therapy!

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 03/08/2015 12:27

Three years is a really long time. I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm sure your friend wouldn't begrudge him this happiness. He won't forget her.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 03/08/2015 12:28

Maybe it's because he loved her that he can marry again, maybe he feels his marriage to her was such a wonderful thing that he wants it in his life again. I would want my husband to remarry if anything happened to me and I don't think there is a time limit on grief.

BettyCatKitten · 03/08/2015 12:29

My friends dad remarried 18 months after her DM had sadly passed. Her family were a bit , but her aunt suggested that men get over the death of a spouse quicker than women. I have no idea if that is true or not

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 03/08/2015 12:29

I don't think it's too soon but I'm not in your position of losing a much loved friend.

He is moving on, finding love and companionship.

TheRealAmyLee · 03/08/2015 12:31

People grieve at different rates. Unless you have been there you have no idea. Some people start to date again after a year or two (which seems common and likely in this scenario), some faster and some never again. None of these are wrong as it's a very personal thing. I have a friend who got engaged in a similar timescale to this after being widowed. Doesn't mean she didn't love her husband, it means fate sent her another man to make her and her family very happy. Try and seperate his happiness from your grief.

gabsdot45 · 03/08/2015 12:31

I think 3 years is long enough. A person who has been in a loving strong,relationship and looses their partner to death will be ready quite quickly to have another relationship because there is not the same kind of baggage, hurt etc that comes when a relationship breaks down and they are very likely to be able to have another good relationship.

2 men I know who were widowed married again around 1 year after their wives died. I think most people felt that was a decent interval.

My friends mum married a guy, 3 months after his wife died. That was not decent and caused a huge amount of upset to his children. Everyone assumed that they had been having an affair when his wife was still alive but they actually hadn't. It was about 10 years ago and his children still don't speak to him.

Anyway. I think 3 years is a very decent amount of time for him to mourn and I don't think he's being disrespectful to his late wife.

ChairOfTheBored · 03/08/2015 12:32

I don't think it's too soon; they may have discussed this, and your friend encouraged him to move on when he was ready.

That said, I completely understand where you're coming from. My mum suffered a long term brain condition, leaving her in a minimally conscious state - my step-father met someone a mere six months afterwards, and I'm massively hurt by it and torn between outrage and the sense that I want him to be happy.

So tough OP -

ChairOfTheBored · 03/08/2015 12:33

Sorry, that last statement was one of empathy rather than "so, tough luck OP"

Hope that was clear...

miffytherabbit3 · 03/08/2015 12:33

I think its quite often the case that men remarry much sooner than women do after losing their partners. I'm not sure why but I think its more to do with men not coping so well alone rather than a lack of love for the person they have lost. I think three years is not an unreasonable time but I do know how you feel though as I have been in the same situation when my friend died and her husband remarried.

Spartans · 03/08/2015 12:33

Yabu. 3 years may not seem a lot to you. But to him it probably does. Can you imagine living even a year knowing you won't ever see you oh again.

It doesn't mean he didn't love her. At all.

On the flip side I lost my auntie 13 years ago. Her husband still hasn't hot over it. He is a shell of himself even now. I wish he could move as do his kids. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. When i had a health scare I made my mum and dad promise they wouldn't judge DH if he chose to get remarried if the worst happened. I couldn't stand the thought of him being alone forever.

gobbin · 03/08/2015 12:34

People's capacity to love is boundless. The fact that he's ready for marriage again shows that he has gone through the grief and come out of the other side - he shouldn't be knocked for doing that within a few years. He won't love his first wife any less because he has a new partner - The fact he's contemplating a marriage is testament to his first wife - it was obviously something that worked well for them, because he wants to be in that position again.

mrsdavidbowie · 03/08/2015 12:35

YABU.
Be happy he has found someone he loves.
Of course he loved his wife.
Three years is a long time .

BeautifulBatman · 03/08/2015 12:35

I may sound really sexist now, but men IME do tend to move on quicker simply because they're not as good at being on their own as women are.

I don't think the length of time can denote the love he had for his DW at all. And three years a really long time.

whattheseithakasmean · 03/08/2015 12:37

I understand why you are upset, but you can also see it as a complement to your late friend. His experience of marriage with her was so happy, it is understandable he would wish to marry again, as marriage to him is when he was happiest.

LazyLohan · 03/08/2015 12:38

YABU, but you know that. I guess it's kind of hard for friends and relatives. He will have known this was coming as he's in the relationship, but I'm guessing for other people it will be a reminder she's gone and that things have moved on. I think it's acceptable to feel sadness over that without blaming him or disapproving of him or telling him about it.

Also, if it is a long illness much of the grieving is done while they're still alive and dying, and the actual death and release of pain is a relief somewhat.

Original poster

SandysMam · 03/08/2015 12:38

Thanks everyone, I am crying reading the responses, they were what I needed to hear.

It was clear what you meant Chairoftheboard, thank you. I'm sorry about your mum x

OP posts:

hesterton · 03/08/2015 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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