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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this too soon?

49 replies

SandysMam · 03/08/2015 12:22

A very good friend of mine died exactly 3 years ago. Her and her husband were very much in love. He has just announced he is getting married again and as much as I want him to be happy, I can't help but feel it is too soon and he is being disloyal to my friend. I know I will get flamed as the poor sod has lost his wife but it just makes me feel like people will think he can't have really loved my friend if he can take the same vows just three years later. Feeling down so please go gently!

OP posts:
Cass168 · 03/08/2015 12:45

Flowers OP , it must be hard for you. I read an article somewhere (probably the Guardian) about older people who remarry after the death of a partner after years of being happily married. (In the article the grown-up children were finding it difficult). It basically said that they remarried fairly fast because they'd had a happy marriage previously so were open / used to to sharing their life with someone. Hope that makes you feel better too.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 03/08/2015 12:49

Some men definitely get over the death of a spouse faster than women do. no doubt about that. i've seen a few get hitched almost as quick their wives were cold in the grave.
what's all that about?
and i've seen some take up with their dead wife's best friend.
3 years is ok, i suppose, although personally i would be a bit cynical about it. saying that, it would, of course, be none of my business and i wouldn't say anything.

BettyCatKitten · 03/08/2015 12:52

My DDad passed 7 years ago and I would be so happy for my mum love again and find happiness with another partner, but she is completely adamant that my DDad was her one and only, and will end her days alone. I find that sad.

wafflyversatile · 03/08/2015 12:59

Take your happiness where you can find it, I say. Always choose love and companionship and happiness over continuing grief and loneliness if the opportunity arises.

I don't think finding someone else is the same as getting over your deceased partner.

Smudgeandpudge · 03/08/2015 13:14

Hello OP. I have cancer and there is a very good chance I will die from it. My greatest fear is my fiancee being sad and alone when I'm gone. For me, best case scenario is that that he meets someone new and brilliant almost immediately. Go to the wedding, and raise a glass on behalf of, and to, your friend. Much love.

pinktrufflechoc · 03/08/2015 13:17

My dad moved in with another woman two MONTHS after my mum died, which I did think was disrespectful to my mum to be honest.

pinktrufflechoc · 03/08/2015 13:17

Smudge Flowers

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/08/2015 13:24

Smudge there are simply no words Flowers

Op, I think you know YABU, though your loyalty to your friend is an inspiration.

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 03/08/2015 13:42

Smudge Flowers

Op, I can completely understand your feelings but agree with most everyone else.
I imagine his wish would be to still be living with and loving his wife, to have your friend back and to live the future they planned together. But we can't go back. Our choice is stay still or move forward and I can't slate anyone who tries a chance at happiness after such grief.
It's different but we lost a child, our next child was not a replacement, you can't replace a person. It was a new and different life. The joy didn't erase the hurt and a new person didn't lessen the life and memory of the whole wonderful person who died. We all went forward and didn't lose the rest of a short and precious life railing at something we couldn't change.
That might be a factor for him too - the shock of loss pulls your remaining days into sharp focus and reminds you how valuable it is to get everything you can into and out of them.
I hope your memories of a great friend comfort you while you grieve her.

WildwestWind · 03/08/2015 14:21

Everyone is different. My husband died in 2011and we had a long and happy marriage. I'm now living with a new partner and my life is exciting and fun. . It doesn't mean I don't still mourn for what I've lost but I've learnt that life is precious, fragile and brief.

LoisEinhorn · 03/08/2015 14:33

Maybe what he had with his wife was so special he wants to find that again. It doesn't mean he's disloyal just that he still has a life to lead. Flowers

WildwestWind · 03/08/2015 15:15

Smudge you speak wise words. Cancer is shit isn't it

Op be happy for your friend's husband, he's really not being disloyal

EssexGurl · 03/08/2015 15:40

I think so much depends on the circumstances.

My mum died three years ago and I couldn't comprehend my dad getting remarried at this stage. BUT she died very suddenly and there was no warning. Natural causes so a huge shock. Incan still remember the phone call from my Dad pretty much word for word. I never got to say goodbye.

My best friends mum died and her dad remarried within a couple of years. Her mum had died from cancer, the family knew it was coming and mum and dad had had lots of discussions about him finding someone else after she went. A lot of the grieving had happened before she died as they had opportunities to plan the funeral, say goodbye etc. it was easier (no way am I saying easy) for him to move on after she had gone.

I don't think you can judge anyone else's reactions and you don't know the discussions that have gone on between couples. After my Mum died my DH and I had a long chat and we were both open about the fact we would want the other to meet someone else and be happy and provide a happy home for the children. We are mid 40s so hopefully a long way off!

DiscoMoo · 03/08/2015 16:41

For many people the loss of a loved one is a reminder that time doesn't wait and that actually sometimes you need to grab hold of happiness with both hands when you can. So bereaved people may seem to move faster because they understand that life can be fleeting.

bgottalent · 03/08/2015 16:46

A very dear friend of mine died about 3 years ago and her husband has recently found a new woman. It's hard for me to accept but i must. It's not for me to deny him happiness and i recognise he needs the closeness and companionship of a female. He was so lonely on his own.

mineofuselessinformation · 03/08/2015 16:50

In the very gentlest of ways, OP, you lost your friend, but he lost his wife. Three years is a hell of a long time to be lonely for.
I totally see where you're coming from.... But what do you think your friend would have wanted? Maybe that's a good place to start coming to terms with this.

BlueThursday · 03/08/2015 16:51

Sometimes when you've been through a bereavement you realise life is short and you grab it while you can

It's hard so see I'm sure but rather this than someone downtrodden I always think

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 03/08/2015 16:52

My Dad died of cancer when I was 6, I think my DM met my step dad a year or two later. As a child I adjusted to this very badly, but they've been together years now. I think yabu op, but I understand why. It's hard however long. Flowers

RosePetels · 03/08/2015 16:56

Grief effects people in different ways, he isn't being u loyal to your friend, he is moving on.
I'm sorry you lost your friend, you do sound like you are still grieving. Hope you are ok Flowers

RosePetels · 03/08/2015 16:57

*disloyal

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2015 17:17

The heart has an infinite capacity for love. He doesn't love your friend one iota less because he has found love again. Rather, the love they shared has allowed him to love again.

wowfudge · 03/08/2015 17:40

It is good that he has found love and happiness again. My own gran lost her husband to a degenerative illness after several years of nursing him and him being in hospital for a couple of years. When she remarried a year after his death she and her children were ostracised by her late husband's family. Now that was appalling.

KnitFastDieWarm · 03/08/2015 18:01

Oh op, it's so hard Flowers
My grandma lost her husband after just 9 years of marriage - he was 34. She never met anyone else and she's now 85. Her sons would have loved her to have met someone else - although she's had plenty of happy times, her life has been lonely.
I adore my husband with every fibre of my being and I cannot bear the thought of him being alone and unhappy if God forbid anything happened to me. I imagine your friend would feel the same and would want him to enjoy the happiness that they shared in marriage againSmile

KnitFastDieWarm · 03/08/2015 18:04

Another thing - I had a friend from school whose father died very suddenly only 48. Eight years later he mother married a fellow widower and they have a house full of photos of their respective spouses who passed away, they celebrate their birthdays and anniversaries from their first marriages. So it doesn't mean your friend is forgotten Flowers

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