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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit shunned?

39 replies

laffymeal · 01/08/2015 16:46

Long time lurker, first time poster, please be kind.

Me and DH are very close friends of 30 plus years with another couple. We've had a lot of interaction in each others lives and consider them our best mates.

Long story short it was their younger DS's 21st birthday yesterday. They had a party and didn't invite us.

It was mostly for friends of their DS which I totally get but they had a group of their own friends there (all age 50 plus like us) and I can't get my head round why we didn't get asked.

We had a party for DDs 18th a few months ago and invited them and it's my 50th in a few weeks and they're coming to that...DH is going out with male half of couple tonight so no rift.

I just feel a bit sad and left out about it.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 01/08/2015 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaguetteMaid · 01/08/2015 16:50

Laffymeal that does sound odd...and from your description or interactions your friendship seems to be strong. Can you think of the time you last met up- could there of been any remark made/anything that they could have taken the wrong way?

Or perhaps they sent an invite that went missing in the post? Do you have any mutual friends you could ask in confidence?

There could be a simple explanation for it?

LadyFenring · 01/08/2015 16:51

YANBU to feel shunned. I get the whole folk can invite who they like yaddy yaddy stuff, but from what you have described, it certainly sounds odd and rude that you were not asked.

Do you feel comfortable asking them outright?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/08/2015 16:51

I'd feel left out too. Wonder why they did that, it's strange.

Original poster
laffymeal · 01/08/2015 16:52

He's already been round this afternoon, arranging tonight and going on and on about how fabulous last night was. We were round there for dinner 2 weeks ago and had a great time (just the 4 of us) and felt as close as we ever did.

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 01/08/2015 16:53

Maybe it was their ds' choice of their friends? I'd ask though.

Tryharder · 01/08/2015 16:53

I'd get your DH to raise it...

Or ring the lady and ask if you had done anything to offend her as you noticed that you hadn't been invited to their party...

It depends on the relationship you have or think you have if you can raise it as an issue or not.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 01/08/2015 16:53

do their other adult friends also have sons of a similar age, who are friends of the birthday boy? That I could understand. Or maybe they wanted to see the friends, and knew they are already seeing you quite a bit in the next few weeks, and thought you'd understand they need to limit numbers?

or are you sure the DHs have not failed to pass on messges/invites?

PHANTOMnamechanger · 01/08/2015 16:55

I don't think it is EVER polite to ask why you are not invited, TBH, I could never do that even with close family/friends

Original poster
laffymeal · 01/08/2015 16:55

Definitely didn't go missing in the post. I was round at their house last Sunday after a long, pleasant dog walk and said "are you doing anything for DS's 21st" and they said "he's having some friends round to the house" and that was all that was said.

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 01/08/2015 16:56

I'd be upset by that.

JeanSeberg · 01/08/2015 16:57

There's no way you can question it, what would you achieve by that? Let it go and continue to enjoy the friendship. There could be all sorts of reasons why you weren't invited, none of them personal.

Original poster
laffymeal · 01/08/2015 16:58

Yes PHANTOMnamechanger, that's very likely the case.

DH took DS's card and gift round yesterday about 5pm and still didn't get asked so we were definitely not getting an invite Grin

Just writing it down has actually made me feel a bit better, I would never ask why they hadn't asked us, I just couldn't bring myself to do that.

OP posts:
hesterton · 01/08/2015 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
laffymeal · 01/08/2015 17:04

Thinking about it rationally they have gone to all the 21sts of the DCs of their group so it was probably a reciprocal thing, that said they were at our DDs 18th just recently so I thought that would have been viewed as similar.

I'm not going to dwell on it though, maybe they thought we'd feel a bit "spare part" as we don't really know this other group very well.

Clutches at straws, lol Grin

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 01/08/2015 17:08

Are you going away any time soon? Any chance they wrongly think you won't be around for the date and so haven't bothered inviting you?

Original poster
laffymeal · 01/08/2015 17:09

It was last night Stealth, DH was round at their house with card and present a couple of hours before it started, the ship has officially sailed.

OP posts:
TheHouseOnBellSt · 01/08/2015 17:13

Oh I am afraid I would view this dimly. If a close friend of mine did this to me then I would be shunning them right back.

It's unkind.

StealthPolarBear · 01/08/2015 17:15

Sorry I did see that but didn't put it all together. I suppose whatever the reason, it's clearly not because they hate you. There must be some obscure reason, as you say maybe they see this as a reciprocal 21st thing and assume you wouldn't want to come. Or they see this group as a separate friendship group

MissShunImpossible · 01/08/2015 17:16

maybe all the others had some link with their DS and they just didn't think you would be in that group. I'm sorry though, it's not a nice feeling. But they clearly don't dislike you, I can't think you've offended them, given all the other things you've said.

I think all you can do is move on. Have some Flowers from me x

Original poster
laffymeal · 01/08/2015 17:18

Yes, Stealth that's the approach I'm taking as otherwise I think it will cause a rift none of us would want. DH is going out with the bloke tonight and getting a lift into town from the woman so they are clearly totally unaware that it's made me feel a bit Confused.

Thanks for replies, I feel a bit better now.

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 01/08/2015 17:21

When you meet up as couples do you both do the inviting? X

neolara · 01/08/2015 17:22

Do you have a 21 year old? Maybe the adults are parents of their ds's friends.

My eldest is only 11, but I can see that for her 21st we might ask parents of her school friends that we had got to know over the years. Inviting them might be a rite of passage (Yay, we got them to 21) and we've all been through this together. I might not invite other friends who haven't been part of this even if I loved them to bits.

Original poster
laffymeal · 01/08/2015 17:25

I have an 18 year old which they came to a few months ago. We attended their older DS's 21st a few years ago and the younger one's 18th 3 years ago where the guest dynamic was pretty similar to the party they held last night...except we weren't invited Grin

OP posts:
Summerwood1 · 01/08/2015 19:13

I think I would have felt very hurt also. It's so hard to work other people out!

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