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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DH should believe me

42 replies

Armywifelife · 30/07/2015 08:28

DH and I had a minor argument last night which wasn't a big deal but I apologised for being unreasonable and grumpy because I was tired and have been surviving on 3/4 hours sleep a night (DS who is 7 months has been ill, throwing up in the night and constantly coughing and understandably wanting cuddles) for the last couple of weeks. In reply to this I get told that this is bollocks and I get more sleep than him (he's on leave for two weeks and has had a lay in every single morning) because when DS naps in the day I have a sleep too
This morning he said he 'clocked me' having 4 hours sleep until 2am when DS woke up which is impossible in itself as he was awake constantly from 12am. We have made up from the minor argument but I can't help still feeling mad that he genuinely doesn't believe me that I'm tired and not getting much sleep. He had never woken up no matter how loud DS is so I think he believes that he just sleeps through every night.
AIBU to 1. Think that he should believe me and 2. To wake him up every single time DS wakes up tonight just to let him know that I'm not sleeping?!

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 30/07/2015 08:32

He sounds like a lazy bastard. Are you breastfeeding? If he can't help with feeds in the night, you should at least leave him to deal with the baby in the day while you catch up on sleep or go out for a coffee/lunch with friends.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 30/07/2015 08:33

Well if he won't believe you, just pop DS on him when he wakes up. And he 'clocked you' what did he do, lie awake for 4 hours watching you sleep?

LindyHemming · 30/07/2015 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anon4Now2015 · 30/07/2015 08:42

I think this is one of those stupid pointless arguments that two tired people get into.

Tonight every time your DS (or every half an hour if he is still awake/you're still awake) wakes up record a ten second video on the phone saying what time it is and why you are awake, and then send them to his phone. Then tomorrow tell him that if he isn't helpful and supportive with your tiredness and in getting more sleep then, obviously he thinks it is no big deal so you will wake him every time your DS wakes so you can do the awake times together.

Original poster

Armywifelife · 30/07/2015 08:46

I was breastfeeding but stopped about 2 weeks ago so there is nothing stopping him helping. The argument started because I was annoyed that he had said at the beginning of the week he will get up with DS for a couple of mornings whilst hes on leave so I can stay in bed but so far he hasn't (apparently he's not a mind reader and I need to tell him when I want him to, even though I poke him every morning to say DS is awake so I'm getting up)
I get a 3 hour break every friday when I go to work (thats the only hours I do) and he says I should stop going if I'm so tired but he can't see that's the only break I get from DS as much as I love him.
Actually tempted to do the diary which sounds crazy to me as I shouldn't have to do that for him to believe me!
Apparently he wouldn't sleep until 2am and I didn't get up which is so wrong as I went to sleep at 10pm and DS woke at 12:15am!

I have no idea why he's being like this its like a child's competition of who's gets the most sleep it's ridiculous I'm not asking for sympathy I was only apologising for being grumpy.

OP posts:

Gwenci · 30/07/2015 08:49

What an arse, that would mightily piss me off. It's bad enough having interrupted sleep and being awake half the night as it is, let alone being told by someone who is SLEEPING THROUGH IT that you aren't really doing it!!!!

Good grief, I'd have told him to fuck off. I'm rather sleep deprived myself at the moment and if DH said that to me I'd struggle to contain myself!

I'm with pp, give him fair warning before you go to bed tonight that you'll be waking him up every time DS is up so you can look after him together. If he objects to that, offer to take it in turns so you're at least getting a bit more sleep. Sleep is so awesome. I miss it.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 30/07/2015 08:49

Wake him up each and every time you're up with DS and don't let him go back to sleep until you do. Cheeky bastard.

FayKorgasm · 30/07/2015 08:52

Wow what an arseholey thing to say. As anyone who has had young children knows its not about the amount of time your eyes are closed its the amount of quality sleep you get. So he 'clocked you' having four at the most hours sleep but I bet a good chunk of it was spent in that dozy limbo which just makes you more tired.

Anyway is he normally so lazy and dismissive of you?

Original poster

Armywifelife · 30/07/2015 08:56

Thanks Gwenci I'm glad I'm not the only one!
If I ask him to help he does like when DS kept throwing up in the night he would change sheets etc but I think because he's never done the night/morning stuff before that he won't be able to get DS back to sleep and I'll just end up getting up anyway.
I will definitely be getting him up during the night tonight and telling him in the morning that DS is awake so he should go get him up!

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 30/07/2015 09:01

This doesn't seem like a case of competitive tiredness but one of a DH who believes he is entitled to rest while his woman does all the hard work of 24/7 childcare with a smile.

If you are no longer breastfeeding then unless he's a surgeon, driver or operating machinery he should begin regularly doing some full nights of care and you should sleep somewhere you can get a full night's sleep.

If he can't wake up for his DC he should see a doctor.

If he won't wake up for his DC then he's an arsehole.

Original poster

Armywifelife · 30/07/2015 09:02

FayKorgasm your so right. Sometimes I just lay there and by the time I've just got to sleep he's awake again. Interrupted sleep is so hard.
We normally don't have a problem as he works a really demanding job which he is brilliant at and I've always breastfed until recently so his input after work has always been play time after tea and bath time as I haven't needed him.
He said this morning that i need to tell him what to do as he doesn't know when I want him to get up etc but I just think ill end up sounding like a nag and we are 1 week in to 2 weeks leave and he hasn't done any more than he would in a working week.

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 30/07/2015 09:02

Don't bloody get up if he doesn't do things "right": he is a capable adult and will figure it out!

Duckdeamon · 30/07/2015 09:05

What is the "demanding job"? Is it in an office? If so then there's no reason for him not to get up. These men often seem to have "demanding" jobs.

It's important that you take care of yourself: exhaustion leads to accidents. I learned this the hard way.

It is not nagging to expect a partner to do some parenting.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 30/07/2015 09:09

Nip that in the bud OP. You are not his mother. He shouldn't need to be instructed like a child. It's very unsexy to have a DH who wants to behave that way. I also think he needs to be awake every time you are for the next week or so until he grows the fuck up.

Mermaidhair · 30/07/2015 09:10

I'm angry for you. He sounds really immature. I would go away for the weekend(leaving him to do all childcare). Poor you

PenelopePitstops · 30/07/2015 09:12

I would make him do everything you do in a normal day, talk him through it, at the time if necessary, and get him to do everything. Include housework, washing, picking up baby, feeding etc. Then make him do the same thing over night. Explain to him that you want to do this so he can see what you do, and get him to do it for one 24 hour period.

CocktailQueen · 30/07/2015 09:14

Get on you those watches that tells you how many hours sleep you have had each night and what quality - light, rem, etc. that'll show him.

But what a lazy twat! Wake him up every time your DS wakes and keep him awake till he goes back to sleep then maybe he'll see how crap he's being.

Duckdeamon · 30/07/2015 09:20

Yes he should believe you and you don't have to prove anything.

Learning to look after babies is part of parenting: he is a parent so needs to learn sharpish.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/07/2015 09:24

He is an arse and owes you an apology and a massive change of attitude too

ijustwannadance · 30/07/2015 09:26

Why are you poking him in the morning and telling him you're getting up? If you tell him this he won't offer to do it instead. Just give him a shove and say your turn then roll over and shut your eyes.
Now you have stopped bf, make a little note of DS feeding, nap times etc then tell DH you have plans for x day and are going out for the afternoon. Go meet a friend for a baby free lunch or go shopping, as long as its completely selfish its fine. He will cope.

KittensOnAPlane · 30/07/2015 09:27

"but I think because he's never done the night/morning stuff before that he won't be able to get DS back to sleep and I'll just end up getting up anyway"

yeah, and he's probably banking on it too.... let him deal with it, he'll soon get the hang of it

ijustwannadance · 30/07/2015 09:31

No job i've ever had has been more stressful and demanding than being a mum. Or as rewarding.

HeyDuggee · 30/07/2015 09:34

The worst arguements my DH and I had was over who got less sleep when we were both sleep deprived with a baby who wasn't a good sleeper. He would argue that the crying woke him up and he couldn't get back asleep easily and so being in the spare room tossing and turning in his big bed made him just as tired as me breastfeeding and feeling that enormous responsibility a new baby brings.... I wanted to physically hurt him

Original poster

Armywifelife · 30/07/2015 09:35

No not an office job he's a combat paramedic in the army and we are based quite far away from home so he can get to nearby countries quickly when needed so he's away quite often leaving with less than 24 hours notice. And when he's not away he does 24 hour ambulance duties.

Duckdeamon I completely agree when he was away last time I was so exhausted I lay on my bed with DS to feed him in the night and we both fell asleep and he rolled off the bed (luckily on to blankets and pillows.)

Thoseawfulcurtains that's exactly how I feel. I feel it's easier to do it myself than write him a bloody list of what he needs to do.

I'm going to tell him today that I need help and I want him to do stuff for me and maybe in a few days after some hard training I may be able to break him in! He's just got in from a few hours at work after being called in and I kind of feel bad for whinging as he's done a big weekly shop unpacked it all whilst I'm still sat in my pjs cuddling DS and changed a pooey nappy without any prompting from me and has now taken over cuddle/play duties whilst I shower etc. I guess if he wants me to nag him like a child I will but I think he will soon realise i will be really fucking annoying!

OP posts:

TracyBarlow · 30/07/2015 09:40

When do you get your two weeks' leave? You know, to sleep all night and have a lie-in every day?

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