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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DH should believe me

42 replies

Armywifelife · 30/07/2015 08:28

DH and I had a minor argument last night which wasn't a big deal but I apologised for being unreasonable and grumpy because I was tired and have been surviving on 3/4 hours sleep a night (DS who is 7 months has been ill, throwing up in the night and constantly coughing and understandably wanting cuddles) for the last couple of weeks. In reply to this I get told that this is bollocks and I get more sleep than him (he's on leave for two weeks and has had a lay in every single morning) because when DS naps in the day I have a sleep too
This morning he said he 'clocked me' having 4 hours sleep until 2am when DS woke up which is impossible in itself as he was awake constantly from 12am. We have made up from the minor argument but I can't help still feeling mad that he genuinely doesn't believe me that I'm tired and not getting much sleep. He had never woken up no matter how loud DS is so I think he believes that he just sleeps through every night.
AIBU to 1. Think that he should believe me and 2. To wake him up every single time DS wakes up tonight just to let him know that I'm not sleeping?!

OP posts:

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 30/07/2015 09:40

You can get a sleep monitor app for your smart phone I believe. Download it and get it to monitor your kip. He can't argue with hard data.

Hope the rest of his leave is less stressful.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 30/07/2015 09:40

Less stressful for you that was meant to read :o

Totality22 · 30/07/2015 09:41

I go to bed every night at 9pm and get up at 7am. Yet my DD (6m) wakes several times a night, recently it's been every 90 minutes or so and I've not had more than 4 hours sleep in one sitting since last year!!!

Sadly baby is ebf still so there is little my OH can do but fuck would he dare tell me I get more sleep than him.... and he is currently relegated to the sofa as co-sleeping is the only way I get any rest. OH thinks sleeping on the sofa for a bit is the very least he can do considering all I do!!

shadesofwinter · 30/07/2015 09:46

Competitive tiredness sucks. DH and I still do it and the DC are 8 and 4!

Original poster

Armywifelife · 30/07/2015 09:52

TraceyBarlow I have asked that lots of times but I genuinely think he doesn't believe I need it, even though when he has DS for his 3 hours every week he constantly rings/texts saying he's screaming can I come home ASAP which stresses me out when I'm trying to work! Then says how hard it is looking after him.

ProcrastinatorGeneral I will be having a look for that! Thank you, we have just been away for a few days to lush hotel and had an awesome time and now I feel shitty! We have a whole week to go anyway so hopefully after a couple of nights things will get easier.

Totality22 it's so hard when ebf I know how you feel! I was extremely sad but silently relieved when DS refused to BF anymore so had to turn to formula as it is a lot less tiring even though it's only me doing the feeds.
We had a few months of DH in spare room so me and DH could co sleep which was lovely but summer has hit where we live and we only have air con in nursery and our bedroom so DS is back to his room now!

OP posts:

WallyBantersJunkBox · 30/07/2015 09:53

Take selfies throughout the night? Preferably next to him snoring in the bed.

Then email them to him without a word.

I mean what the hell? Doesn't matter if I get 14 hours sleep - if I say I'm tired my bf gives me support.

RoboticSealpup · 30/07/2015 09:55

My DH used to be sympathetic with me when I was up every night with DD, but I still felt like he didn't really get it. He would say stuff like: "But it helps that she's so cute, right?" Then he started doing the weekend nights to give me a break... And I've noticed a real shift in the dynamics at home. I don't have to say anything, he knows how tired I am. It's like that old Chinese proverb: "I hear it, and I forget it. I see it and I remember it. I do it, and I understand it." You should go and sleep I the spare room if you have one, and let him do the weekend alone. If you're there, you will get woken up and annoyed that he's doing it "wrong". He needs to figure out his own way to do things and take ownership of the situation.

MummaGiles · 30/07/2015 10:05

I know how you feel. I wish my OH would use his initiative sometimes. He used to be great at helping around he house and sharing the cooking etc but since I've been on mat leave he seems to have slipped into some lazy habits and expects everything will be done. I have reached breaking point with this very recently but his response was 'tell me what to do'. He knows what needs doing around the house! He used to do it fine! I just feel like he's asking me to nag him which I do not want to do. I also mentioned that I am worried about how I'm going to get stuff done when I go back to work, like getting me and LO ready and out the house in the morning and his response was 'you'll be fine, other people manage it'. All I wanted was some reassurance that he would help out but now I'm more worried than I was before that I'll have to manage it on my own.

RoboticSealpup · 30/07/2015 10:07

Sorry, just read whole thread properly and realised he probably has an erratic schedule, but the main point still stands. When he's not working he should be sharing night duties with you!

SnapesCapes · 30/07/2015 10:10

Could you turn off your phone while you are at work and let him get on with it? Babies are tough, yes, but a father ought to be able to handle 3 hours a week solo without needing to call for backup; he's just doing it because he's become so bloody lazy.

There is absolutely nothing worse than being tired, and no bigger insult than when your DP begrudges you a good nights sleep. I would make him wake up every single time you get up, or bring DS into your bed every time he wakes so that your DH can become acquainted with just how bloody exhausting it is having a sick child. You deserve a break. And perhaps a medal, for having not killed him yet.

AdeleDazeem · 30/07/2015 10:15

Yanbu
I had to explain to DH that getting a 45 minute nap does not undo the damage caused by getting up multiple times a night. Unbroken sleep is very important.

Original poster

Armywifelife · 30/07/2015 10:27

MummaGiles are we married to the same man?? DH does it with housework too! I'll start cleaning, so he asks, 'what are you doing?' I reply, 'cleaning because I've caused a bombsite running around after DS all day'. Then he says ok I'll help what needs doing? Errrr... Take a look around? Pots in the sink? Crumbs on the floor? Toys etc strewn around? Sometimes I feel like he's blind! Why do I need to point it out it's really not hard!

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 30/07/2015 10:32

They are perfectly capable of seeing what needs to be done and doing it: they are choosing to ignore things or pretend they're incapable so that you will do it. Sexist and selfish behaviour. Your choice whether to put up with it.

Original poster

Armywifelife · 30/07/2015 10:32

SnapesCapes last week when I went to work I left my phone on silent by accident and he had rang 5 times and text multiple times saying how long you going to be but I didn't see til I finished then he was mad because it's not courteous to ignore a phone call even when working apparently

OP posts:

bakingaddict · 30/07/2015 10:49

You are falling into the pattern of thinking he's the man with the big proper important job and your needs and tiredness are secondary to his. You shouldn't need to be grateful because he has done a weekly shop and changed a nappy. I get the nature of his job means that he might not be around as much but to phone you when you are working is not on.

He's a combat paramedic so i'm assuming he's used to thinking on his feet. Why can't he transfer these skills when he's got the baby, men like this can't be arsed to work out how to look after the baby because they don't see it as worthy of their skills. Why should he when he got you to badger every 5 minutes? You need a shift of power in your relationship dynamic otherwise it will always be like this

springlamb · 30/07/2015 11:02

Premier Inn is your friend.
Tell DH you really need an unbroken night to get you back on an even keel so you no longer act so unreasonably towards him and can again become the loving, compliant wife he adores.
He falls for this. You depart. You do NOTHING to help prepare him for the dreadful ordeal of looking after his own child for 18 hours. Prepare no bottles, open no new packs of nappies, leave no notes, give no little tips such as 'if you stroke between his eyebrows gently he settles quickly'.
It will be hard, you probably won't get quality sleep, but it will be worth it.

bakingaddict · 30/07/2015 11:32

Why do you have to be the one to go to a hotel just for a good night's rest? Why can't you get that in your own home and bed by having a frank adult talk?

Tell him that you need to get more unbroken nights sleep as you are virtually running on empty and if he is not willing to support you in this or persists in disparaging your tiredness and not participating in parenting together then you will have to re-assess if this relationship is right for you longer term

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