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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To demand answers from OH?

43 replies

Spicysugars · 28/07/2015 14:16

Okay, so recently (last month or so), my OH of 1 year isn't ejaculating anymore when we have sex, which I find really hard because 1. It makes me feel satisfied when he does and 2. He isn't really enjoying it as much anymore, I know he isn't, and I'm usually the one inisiating sex.

Here's my issue: He gets SUPER touchy and gets his back up when I try and mention it. I only ever mention it calmly and in a considerate way, yet he still gets so pissy!

I want to try and help/talk about this but he just won't, which is making this all 10 times work. I can't bring this up to him as I did again 5 minutes ago and he dismissed it and got angry.

I know he does masturbate a lot, but yesterday he went 4 days without masturbating and STILL couldn't cum when we done it. I feel like absolute shit.

In the past, if he had a
bit of trouble ejaculating, he'd just wank and then when he was ready to climax, I'd take him in my mouth etc (sorry for TMI) Grin

Oh, and might I add, he's only ever ejaculated through vaginal penetration once, possibly twice, since we've been together.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/07/2015 14:24

Does he watch a lot of porn?

Gottagetmoving · 28/07/2015 14:24

No wonder he doesn't want to talk about it if you come across as impatient and demanding to him as you did in your OP.
It sounds like you are monitoring his sexual performance all the time!

TheRealAmyLee · 28/07/2015 14:25

If he masturbates a lot the problem may well be that he is used to the specific tight grip of this and struggles with other kinds of stimulation.

He does need to man up and talk about this. It can be solved but it will take both of you to do it. It basically involves him not masturbating and you doing more things together so his body learns to respond to your gentler touch. Google or a good sex tips book are your friend for specifics.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2015 14:30

Ahhhh.. the good old death grip
Too much porn and masturbation will do that to you.
Have a look at the link, it might help?

Original poster
Spicysugars · 28/07/2015 14:35

Just so you all know I most certainly don't sound as demanding like I do on my Post.

The way I speak to him is very soft and gentle, and not at all demanding.

Yes, he watches a lot of porn to masturbate.

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 28/07/2015 14:37

This must be difficult for both of you. I can understand your frustration as it sounds like you feel as though you're the only one trying to address the problem. I really think that "demanding answers" is the wrong way to go though. For one thing, he may not have any answers for you. If I stopped being able to orgasm with my partner I imagine the last thing that would improve the situation would be him demanding to know why. We don't always know why our bodies respond the way they do. Do you think he would consider talking to a professional about it?

Morganly · 28/07/2015 14:39

Show him this

curedeathgrip.com

PurpleSwift · 28/07/2015 14:41

It's the porn.

It's messes with your head. Tell him he needs to go cold turkey for a while on the porn. At least a few weeks

TheyGotTheMustardOut · 28/07/2015 14:42

How old is he? Does he drink a lot or smoke? Is he on medication or suffering any mental health issues? There are so many variables.

Original poster
Spicysugars · 28/07/2015 14:48

Hi, he's a healthy 21 year old.

I'm not demanding answers, I just want to talk, and I gently considered to him that perhaps he should speak to a health professional about it if he finds it uncomfortable to talk to me, and he went off on one completely and said ''if you don't like it, fuck off''

OP posts:
User100 · 28/07/2015 14:50

"Demand answers" seems like an incredibly unfair way to approach something that isn't a decision he's made and it is clear he finds fairly embarrassing!

Morganly · 28/07/2015 14:52

Ok, I've changed my advice slightly. Show him the death grip web page and then dump the thoughtless, foul mouthed git.

Allhallowspeeve · 28/07/2015 14:54

The 'death grip' Grin

Spartans · 28/07/2015 14:55

Well what answers so you want?

Personally I think it would be better if he spoke to his gp. He obviously doesn't want to discuss it with you and you keeping on asking isn't helping.

Leave it for a while and then tell him it upsets you and you would like to help or support him going to the doctors.

First though you need to back off.

His swearing at you is out of order, but I can also understand he must be frustrated if you keeping bringing it up when he has made it clear he doesn't want to discuss it.

Spartans · 28/07/2015 14:57

Problems like this are so difficult. Because while it's his problem it's effecting both of you. If he won't get help and I jot sure what you can do.

Original poster
Spicysugars · 28/07/2015 14:59

I've probably made my post sound as if I keep bringing it up to him, but I've only asked about 2 times this entire month and with very thoughtful timing
Too.

What if he WON'T get help? I often find myself in the living room once he's fallen asleep, crying tears of frustration.

OP posts:
Spartans · 28/07/2015 15:03

Tbh OP what do you want to do five won't get help?

Some people would be happy to live with it, some wouldn't. You can't force him to talk about it or get help.

Original poster
Spicysugars · 28/07/2015 15:03

Another question is how do I politely decline his offer for sex? At this point, I'd rather not have sex because if we do and he isn't ejaculating, I feel very frustrated and hurt, where as if we just didn't do it, I wouldn't feel so bad.

It's so hurtful when he wants to cuddle up to me after sex (he loves cuddles) but all I want to do is scratch his face off.

OP posts:
Spartans · 28/07/2015 15:03

What do you want to do if he won't get help

Original poster
Spicysugars · 28/07/2015 15:05

If he won't get help, I don't know what I'd do.

I love him to bits and I'm happy in all other aspects of our relationship, but his lack of fluid is making me go insane with frustration.

OP posts:
QuizteamBleakley · 28/07/2015 15:08

Scratch his face off? Shock Do you 'need' him to ejaculate? If he's had a good time and you've had an orgasm (?) then where's the problem? Tell him to lay off the wankfodder for a month or so and perhaps be a bit nicer to each other.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/07/2015 15:11

You really shouldn't take his lack of orgasm so personally but equally, if he would rather you 'fuck off' than talk to you about it maybe you should.

Original poster
Spicysugars · 28/07/2015 15:16

But what if we were to try for a baby? How the bloody hell would that one work HmmConfused

OP posts:
Allhallowspeeve · 28/07/2015 15:16

op have you ever had sex where you didn't orgasam but enjoyed it? You can't really control someone's enjoyment of it. It shouldn't effect you if your satisfied and have enjoyed it and he says he enjoyed it too.

He does however seem to have a porn issue. If he can't get by with out watching it, it sounds like he has an addiction. You can't force some one with addiction to get help or to try to stop. they have to get to that point by them self.

pippitysqueakity · 28/07/2015 15:16

Seriously, you cry because he doesn't ejaculate? Does this affect your orgasm in any way, or is it that you feel you have 'failed' because he does not orgasm?