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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To apologise to a friend

53 replies

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 26/07/2015 07:51

I took a friends child out recently and she went to the toilet (quite deliberately) in the middle of a children's sand pit.

I went absolutely mental and shouted at her. Called her mum that evening.

I have instilled in my children good toilet ing habits. My DS is autistic, and we had a few years of fecal smearing where he would smear poo over walls and his bed etc., he was also very late out of nappies and would often wee wherever he was... and also didn't get social niceties (such as not pulling your pants down before reaching a private cubicle) so have worked very hard to get the routine....

And now, I am thinking, I over reacted to this other child. I still think it's unacceptable for a 7yo to do that, but as its not my child, should it be my place to say anything.

Do you think I should apologise for losing the plot?

I can see now that I was just worried that, should my son see something like that, he could quite easily decide that it would be fine to toilet wherever and whenever he wants. I don't know what to do.

I know I've put this in AIBU, but please,go easy, as I think I over reacted.

OP posts:
Boysclothes · 26/07/2015 07:54

No I wouldn't apologise. She deserved a massive bollocking and her mum wasn't there to do it. Takes a village etc.

teacher54321 · 26/07/2015 07:55

I think 'going mental' at anyone else's child (or your own) is an overreaction. What the child did was hugely inappropriate and I would definitely have told them off, but shouted etc? Have you spoken to the friend since it happened?

Cric · 26/07/2015 07:57

When I was reading this I was imagining a 3 year old..... But at 7 a child knows that weeing in a sandpit is unacceptable. Has your friend told you she is upset? Have you seen them since?

Cric · 26/07/2015 07:58

Also yes as teacher says.... Also does depend on the telling off.... Sitting in the fence?!?!?

fuzzywuzzy · 26/07/2015 07:59

Unless the child has developmental delays, seven is plenty old enough to know not to go anywhere but the toilet.

I wouldn't apologise.

My friends DC (same age) deliberately peed on the my dd's bed, standing upright I was furious with her. Haven't invited them back.

It's disgusting and unpleasant for everyone.

PuntasticUsername · 26/07/2015 07:59

I think your overreaction was very understandable under the circumstances but yes, it was an overreaction. If a NT 7yo deliberately Went in the sand pit then it definitely merits a huge telling off, but "going mental" was probably a bit extreme.

(Are you quite sure it was deliberate btw, she wasn't starting to be ill or anything?).

I would apologise to both parents and child, explaining that your experience with your DS has made you more sensitive to these things.

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 26/07/2015 08:01

Ok, when I say 'going mental' I mean... The way I would speak to my children (not someone else's)

I think I am a pretty calm, easy going person.... Have to be to deal with DS ;-) but it's also fair to say that I have never shouted at someone else's child before.

Would an apology be in order?

I can't take what happened back.

OP posts:
ScoutRifle · 26/07/2015 08:02

I think the best thing is to not look after anyone else's children's again quite frankly if you can't control your temper.
I have an autistic child and know how tough it is but I wouldn't shout at my own children let alone someone else's unless they were in danger.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 26/07/2015 08:03

I would perhaps begin with a small apology for shouting, but then explain to the mum what you told us, if you feel comfortable doing that. Was the mum embarrassed about what happened or defensive?
Either way, going to the toilet in a sand pit aged 7 is more than a bit wrong.

Hassled · 26/07/2015 08:05

It really depends what you said and how you said it. I don't think you should apologise for telling the girl off - it sounds like you might have to apologise for the way you went about it?

Goshthatsspicy · 26/07/2015 08:05

I don't think you needed to do anything, apart from tell the child it is unacceptable.
I think you've probably worked so hard with your own son, that this just infuriated you.
(understandably)
This isn't your problem now, so if it makes you feel better - l'd apologise.
Just a bad day... Wink

teacher54321 · 26/07/2015 08:06

Was it definitely deliberate? I think you need to apologise for your reaction but reiterate why you were so angry. I would have phoned the mum straight away and said 'I'm bringing her back right now because of this unacceptable behaviour.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 26/07/2015 08:07

I don't think you should apologise. If it was deliberate then it's disgusting. The child is old enough to know better.

When I have the privilege of a friend taking my DS somewhere it's their rules and he must abide by them.

The girls parents trusted you and must stand by your parenting of her when you are in charge.

If they don't like it, they don't leave you in charge. If she doesn't like it she doesn't play under your care.

I bet you didn't go "mental" as compared to some op.

Now have a Brew and relax a bit.

Yarp · 26/07/2015 08:08

I think that if she's a friend she'll accept an apology for shouting. This was a spur of the moment thing, no-be got hurt. Don't beat yourself up.

And of course you should have told the child off!

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 26/07/2015 08:09

The mum was as embarrassed as I was, and I don't think there were any hard feelings. I did say (I don't try and hide ds's autism) why it was such a no go area for me.

It wasn't a bad conversation, I just think I shouldn't have mentioned it at all.

We've had two very happy play dates since... This was simply a one off, I am just so sensitive in this one area.

I will apologise x

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 26/07/2015 08:10

And tell us where the sandpit is. ????????????

teacher54321 · 26/07/2015 08:10

Gosh if you've had two happy play dates since I would not bring it up again! I thought you meant this had happened yesterday!

Yarp · 26/07/2015 08:10

You did the right thing.

Now try not to dwell.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 26/07/2015 08:11

I don't think shouting at someone else's child is acceptable. I wouldn't shout at my own (I'm more of a hisser with harsh sanctions).

Was this definitely deliberate? Ie pants off pee or did the child wet herself?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 26/07/2015 08:12

After your last post I'd just forget it.

Vatersay · 26/07/2015 08:14

Personally if one of my 7 yos did the toilet in a soft play I'd be far too mortified to be worrying about a bit of shouting.

I don't personally shout at my children very often but I do think that MN can be a bit precious about a bit of shouting.

7 yo is plenty old enough to understand that if you behave in a socially unacceptable way people might be shocked enough to lose their temper.

I suppose it does depend upon your definition of 'going mental' but assuming that you just mean you yelled at her, made her apologise to the poor staff who would have to clean it up and marched her home, then no, I wouldn't expect an apology.

HeyDuggee · 26/07/2015 08:14

Don't apologise. Either this was an isolated incident where boundaries were tested (and have have now been confirmed) or it wasn't (and the other mother hasn't been truthful that this isn't the first time.)

Yarp · 26/07/2015 08:15

Yeah

I think no need to apologise now. It's done.

Original poster
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 26/07/2015 08:15

It was abaolutely deliberate. No wet pants. I would never, ever be cross if it was accidental.

I just think i shouldn't have said anything at all

OP posts:
Spermysextowel · 26/07/2015 08:16

If you've had happy play-dates since & you've discussed it with her mother then an apology now seems a bit late. It's something that seems to've been forgotten so I wouldn't open the topic again.