To apologise to a friend

[Iamatotalandutteridiot]

I took a friends child out recently and she went to the toilet (quite deliberately) in the middle of a children's sand pit.

I went absolutely mental and shouted at her. Called her mum that evening.

I have instilled in my children good toilet ing habits. My DS is autistic, and we had a few years of fecal smearing where he would smear poo over walls and his bed etc., he was also very late out of nappies and would often wee wherever he was... and also didn't get social niceties (such as not pulling your pants down before reaching a private cubicle) so have worked very hard to get the routine....

And now, I am thinking, I over reacted to this other child. I still think it's unacceptable for a 7yo to do that, but as its not my child, should it be my place to say anything.

Do you think I should apologise for losing the plot?

I can see now that I was just worried that, should my son see something like that, he could quite easily decide that it would be fine to toilet wherever and whenever he wants. I don't know what to do.

I know I've put this in AIBU, but please,go easy, as I think I over reacted.

Sorry, just seen your follow up! Why on earth do you think you shouldn't have mentioned it?????

Of course you should - the child is7 yo not 2!!! Not acceptable at all.

Sorry, the other play dates were me looking after other kids... I was just making the point that normally, I look after kids with no issues whatsoever.

I haven't seen this child since and I am not 100% sure I would want to, as I didn't feel happy about what happened. But, at the same time, I do appreciate my reaction was based on my experiences with DS.

Iam

Of course you should! Do you think her own mother would have let that go? You were in loco parentis, so it follows that it's fine.

I also think there's a bit of social responsibility to let other people in the play area know you didn't think it was OK. Sometimes people overdo the telling off to make other parents aware they are dealing with it, but I think that's understandable

My dd still had trouble with wetting occasionally at that age, so it could still be an accident even though she is seven. I must admit it is one thing that even though you know it is an accident, it can make you cross, especially if it happens in an embarrassing place. If you apologised at the time I would think that is good enough and it sounds like you are still friends. You could say you feel a bit bad about shouting at her dd that day and you are going to be careful not to do that again.

X post

I think apologising would make you feel better and stop worrying, so do it.

Really? If you 'went mental' and 'lost the plot' enough to worrying about it now. The. Maybe you should apologise to the child. Not the mother. Make clear it wasn't acceptable that she did that, but you shouldn't have reacted in that way.

But since you have had 2 play dates since I would say neither the child or mother are bothered.

spartans it's just so not like me.

I was horrified, but now I can see that it triggered lots of painful memories for me about DS (who is thankfully past that now)

Ok, my reaction wasn't terrible... Infact, the child said she'd had a lovely day...

I just feel in hindsight that my reaction had less to do with what happened on the day, and more to do with what happened with my DS in previous years.

I didn't go mental, like wailing like a banshee or something, but I could have made it a positive learning experience rather than the very negative one it was.

I did shout at her, and told her it was disgusting and unacceptable. :-(

I shouldn't have done that, I should have handled it differently, I know that

i wouldn't worry about and would just move on

If you do apologise to someone it should be to the child not to your friend (as the title suggests). She was the one you shouted at.

I really think you're giving yourself a hard time when you don't deserve it. If the girl's mother hasn't said anything then take that as her agreeing with how you handled the situation.

People worry a bit too much about shouting at kids who are doing stupid, dangerous or unpleasant things. You did nothing wrong.

I'd speak to her mother, explain what happened & tell her you're sorry if you upset anyone, but you wanted a nice day out & it's sad it didn't turn out that way (don't mention the other children who had to leave the sandpit whilst it was cleaned). If she wants to relay that as an apology from you then fine, but I wouldn't say sorry to my 7 old for being reasonably cross

You are seriously over thinking this. You slightly over reacted - people do and kids need to get used to that. FAR better to have over reacted than to have said nothing - 'oh yes, fine for you to wee in a sandpit where other small people will be playing, picking up the sand' - yergh, gross.

Actually, I think you are right. I am utterly overthinking this, aren't i?

Tbh I think I would have used the same words, I think you did the right thing in saying the act was disgusting and unacceptable, not that the child was. I don't think you should apologise if you reacted in the same way as you would have with your own children, the mother obviously trusted you and your judgement to leave their child with you in the first instance. I wouldn't be surprised if you don't hear from the mother for a bit, not because she's cross with you but because she is mortified with her child's behaviour.

Stop it!

You are tying yourself in knots for no reason at all! If you are right then

1. A 7 year old part undressed herself and wee'd in a sandpit
2. You noticed and shouted at her
3. You told her mum, who was embarrassed as she agreed with you that her daughter had behaved badly.

Now, everything else about your DS is creeping in and you think you have been bad - YOU HAVE NOT ACTED BADLY

I don't get the "you can't shout at other people's kids" I am firmly in the "It takes a village" camp. And even if I am wrong, pissing in a public play space is disgusting and any 7 year old would be fully aware of the naughtiness of that act. You know that, as you said, you have taught your DS better manners, his autism nothwithstanding!

Take a deep breath or I will offer up my very first

I would have done the exact same thing Iam...it is disgusting. I wouldn't apologise to the parent either, you were in charge. If it was an accident then you would be unreasonable but the child pulled their pants down!

I am going to apologise.

I should have called her out. I should have told her mum.... I did. Both ok.

I should not have shouted at her. That was totally down to my insecurities and experiences.

I can see that it brought back a lot of painful memories - DS was excluded from many nurseries and schools because of inappropriate behaviour and (as he's my eldest) being made feel that it was my parenting was at fault, before we knew he had autism. And, yes, I feel I needed to be seen to make amends.

Maybe not so much an apology, but an acknowledgement that I handled it badly and my reaction was OTT.

OK, you asked for it....

Seriously, if that makes you feel at ease with the situation then you should have a chat with the mum. Your last sentence is the way to deal with it.

Still not seeing how this was an overreaction. Can you imagine the thread on here, "I saw a woman watch her child wee in the sandpit today and all she did was tell her not to do it again in a soft voice while my pfb sat in her urine" or some such. I imagine your friend doesn't want to talk about it again as she's embarrassed. But if my DC did that I would want to be told!

OP

This is about what's going on for you. You feel that the way you reacted was in response to something in you, not just the behaviour of the child. That makes you more emotionally astute than 50% of people . Most of us react now and again because of something in the past.

But in realising that, don't loose sight of the fact that It Wasn't That Bad.

And be kind to yourself. Maybe you need some time to chat and process your feeling about your DD. It must have been/be really hard