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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let husband be the 'fall guy'?! Urgent help needed!!

28 replies

MsBroccoliSpears · 17/07/2015 16:11

Hi, am typing this at work on a ten min break so apologies if not that coherent...

My best friend of 30 years used to casually date my husbands best friend. They stopped seeing each other about 10 years ago and havent been in touch since. She has now decided she wants to meet up with him, at a 'party' type thing at our house and wants me to arrange it. He did pop round when she was here about a month ago and she asked me a few days later to arrange something. I asked DH to sort it and he did text - but his friend replied saying he didn't really want to see my friend again :/

I couldn't face telling her this so have kept making excuses, but she KEEPS asking! What the hell do I say? Am I BU to say DH knew this all along but only just told me and I'm just as shocked? Or is that bad? I just think she'll be upset to hear he doesn't want to see her but worse, that I didn't tell her all this time, am feeling like the worst friend in the world right now.

Help!!!

OP posts:
PizzaLegs23 · 17/07/2015 16:13

Say he's dating someone

CallMeExhausted · 17/07/2015 16:13

I am one of those annoying honest people... I'd say that we have been in contact, but he's not interested right now.

Better than stringing her along IMO

Original poster
MsBroccoliSpears · 17/07/2015 16:17

Thanks both - he IS dating someone, long term as well, with children Shock

She keeps saying she doesn't want anything to happen with him, but wants us all to get together and have a few drinks. (We used to do that lots before DC).

I'm ok with telling her what he said but I've known about it for a while and unsure whether to say I knew, if so she'll be upset with me for not saying sooner!

OP posts:
LazyLouLou · 17/07/2015 16:18

Tell her you have just asked your DH what happened with the meet up arrangement and he said his mate said not thanks!

^Hi BFfor30years.
I just asked DH about arranging a meet up but he says HisMate said no thanks, sorry about that love. Fancy coming over for a coffee?^

CallMeExhausted · 17/07/2015 16:18

That is a tough spot - wish I had some easy advice :/

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 17/07/2015 16:18

You aren't responsible for her happiness.

If she doesn't know he's with someone, clearly she is hoping that something will happen between them.

I would just be very straightforward with her and tell her he is with someone, and isn't interested in a get together.

Fatmomma99 · 17/07/2015 16:19

I'm a terrible liar, so I wouldn't even try. Just say "sorry, but he's in a long term relationship now and he doesn't think that meeting up would be appropriate"

It's not you saying it, it's him.

Good luck.

Have a glass of Wine when you get home!

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 17/07/2015 16:20

Tell her he moved to Yemen.....

Seriously though, as her friend - I'd sit her down and ask why does she want to see him now? Is it to clear the air, or does she think they could get back together? Has something happened that she has this sudden urge to bring up the past? I'd just suggest it was a bad idea, maybe point out all his 'negative qualities', remind her why he's no good for her (basically let her come to her own conclusion that it's a bad idea). If that fails, just tell the truth in the nicest way possible 'well, actually X is kind of doing his own thing now, he's not really interested'. Make sure there's wine and chocolate if it helps....

CallMeExhausted · 17/07/2015 16:20

LazyLou brilliant. Simple and concise. May I borrow your brain for a while?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 17/07/2015 16:22

X-post - tell her the bloody truth!! He has kids and a relationship, she really shouldn't be asking to meet up with him, for goodness sake Hmm.

PizzaLegs23 · 17/07/2015 16:23

Say casually that your DH asked and he said it would feel inappropriate, as someone else offered

Original poster
MsBroccoliSpears · 17/07/2015 16:26

You are all great, thank you Flowers

I like Yemen so far GentlyBenevolent :) You're right, I need to talk to her about why she wants to see him so much, he is not a nice guy IMO and I don't especially fancy a night drinking with him in my house.

Thanks LazyLou that is straight to the point and shouldn't cause too much upset.

I'm going to have to delete this too in a bit as paranoid she may see it!

OP posts:
LazyLouLou · 17/07/2015 16:26

You could, CallMe but you'd find it full of sewing ideas and a yearning for cheese Smile

Fatmomma99 · 17/07/2015 16:29

Grin Grin Grin LazyLou!!!

Anon4Now2015 · 17/07/2015 16:37

Does she really expect you to invite him round and tell him that his DP is not invited? Shock

Bluetonic123 · 17/07/2015 16:41

Just tell her. it seems a bit mean to let her carry on asking. I would feel quite foolish if I were in her position.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 17/07/2015 16:42

Anon the friend doesn't know that he has a DP.

YvetteChauvire · 17/07/2015 16:47

OP this is deja vu for me as I was in exactly the same position not so long ago. Two friends who dated a few years ago bumped into each other at an event I was hosting.

Female friend decided she wanted to resume contact with the ex and asked me to facilitate it. I asked male friend and he left me in no doubt that he was not interested in even being friends with her. I had a good think about how I would tell her. It was tough as I had a feeling she still carried a torch for him and regretted dumping him - for being too nice. I felt that, for her sake, I needed to be honest and tell her (gently) that he had moved on and he did not want to resume contact even as friends. She did argue the point a little (asking me if he had a partner and I told her that was irrelevant and none of her business) but ultimately she was good enough to respect the boundaries he had imposed.

Tell her the truth. It is the good thing to do for both their sakes.

Original poster
MsBroccoliSpears · 17/07/2015 17:41

YvetteChauvire that is awkward indeed! It's basically being stuck in the middle. Good for you for telling her though, sometimes the truth can be the hardest thing to get out there!!

Thanks for your help everyone, honesty is the only way here I think.

OP posts:
whois · 17/07/2015 18:17

Just be honest.

Say he is seeing someone and doesn't think its right to get back in touch.

Anon4Now2015 · 17/07/2015 19:04

Sorry I misunderstood. If the friend doesn't know he has a partner then tell her. If she still wants to meet up with him explain that you would only be comfortable inviting both him and his DP together and that they might find a dinner party with his ex-who-still-has-a-thing-for-him to be a bit odd

CalmYourselfTubbs · 17/07/2015 19:19

was she his fuckbuddy?

she should have gotten the hint by now.

i'd absolve myself of all involvement and tell her firmly to bloody well ask him herself.

bigbumtheory · 17/07/2015 20:45

Sorry DF, otherguy is now in a relationship and isn't keen on rekindling anything, even if it is just platonic.

BuggersMuddle · 17/07/2015 20:55

I would just be honest (as gently as possibly).

TBH if DP was invited to a boozy evening with a single ex where they were recreating the time they were together (which is what this sounds like), I would be deeply unimpressed, but he would have the good sense to decline as this chap has. (I'm not a jealous person btw - we have certainly been to parties, clubs, pubs & other gatherings where exes have been present and I have no issue with that, but this seems a bit contrived and good guy or not, I can see why he'd feel uncomfortable. Hell, putting the boot on the other foot, I wouldn't go along for something like this with an ex as I would feel it was disrespectful to DP, even though I could guarantee that nothing untoward would happen).

BadLad · 19/07/2015 02:37

Sorry, Fred isn't up for it.

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