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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A party/FB related AIBU

50 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 17/07/2015 09:22

DS, who has ASD, has been invited to his first party since reception . He is in year 3 and its was a massive deal to me. He doesn't understand what is happening and has no clue about the party.

Yesterday I spoke to party Mum in the playground, thanked her for the invite and explained that due to DS's ASD he is extremely fussy about what he eats, so that I would bring the food for him as I didn't want her to feel like she needed to get in anything special. She said that was fine.

This morning, a friend of mine, who is mutual friends with party Mum told me that last night she updated her status to say 'obviously my food is not good enough for some precious people, bring your own food then and see how I care'. This is obviously aimed at me but she thought I wouldn't ever see it.

AIBU to tell her to shove her invite up her arse? DS is leaving the school in 3 days so I wont ever have to have contact with her again?

OP posts:
Original poster
IsabellaofFrance · 17/07/2015 09:23

I know I am probably BU, but its been a long, tough week and I am just about at the end of my tether.

OP posts:
ChristmasZombie · 17/07/2015 09:24

Your "friend" doesn't sound like much of a friend, to be honest. There was no need for her to tell you that.

Ilovecrapcrafts · 17/07/2015 09:24

Hmmm honestly, for people who don't know about ads it does sound rude. It's a shame she doesn't know about all these things but I honestly don't think people do, generally.

Fiddlerontheroof · 17/07/2015 09:24

Yes, I would. Some people will never ever understand, don't waste your time with them. ( I say that as a parent of a disabled child) ....xxxx I'm so sorry, what a horrible cow :(

Ilovecrapcrafts · 17/07/2015 09:24

Ads? ASD, sorry. Dyac.

Also agree that your friend is a little stirrer

Fiddlerontheroof · 17/07/2015 09:25

Oh, and make sure she knows you've seen her status!

FenellaFellorick · 17/07/2015 09:27

I'd go to her and say look I am really sorry if I offended you. That honestly was not my intention. I was trying to help. Due to my son's disability, food is an issue and I didn't want there to be a problem. I am really sorry if you thought that I was saying your food wasn't good enough.

1 Moral highground - yours. You haven't said anything in an aggressive way
2 She knows you know what she said and might cringe a bit
3 She gets a reminder that helping a child with asd who has food issues is absolutely NOT 'precious' and maybe she feels a little bad about herself.

LadyNym · 17/07/2015 09:30

My DS is being assessed for ASD and has huge food/texture issues (not to mention the fact we're vegetarian) so I could see me do something similar in terms of providing food and I'd be gutted and furious if the mum bitched about it on Facebook.

YANBU!

Hellionsitem2 · 17/07/2015 09:30

The mother is very rude. Can you write on her wall or messenge her very factually 'my son has ASD and food issues that relate to this. Its nothing personal about your food. It wasn't very kind to post that statement on your FB wall'

BarbarianMum · 17/07/2015 09:30

Agree that your friend should have kept her mouth shut.

As for whether you are being unreasonable, I think it depends on how you phrased the request to the party mum? Did you in fact request to bring food or tell her you would? Did you ask what she was serving to see if there was anything your ds would eat (polite to ask, even if you know there won't be)? Having negotiated these waters for years due to allergies I can tell you its a minefield and you have to be really tactful (rather than stating you'd rather bring your own because you know they'll get it wrong - even when that's true).

cuntycowfacemonkey · 17/07/2015 09:30

I agree your friend is a shit stirrer! I would be very nice and smile and say "I'm so sorry that you were offended by what I said, I wish you had spoken to me first rather than post on facebook so I could have helped you to understand that the food issue is about my son's additional needs and not a personal slant on your food. I assumed you would be understanding. My mistake"

MythicalKings · 17/07/2015 09:32

Your friend is not a friend. Dump her.

Hellionsitem2 · 17/07/2015 09:32

Or post a link on FB to educate her. Maybe a link to a factual site outlining ASD and related food issues

fastdaytears · 17/07/2015 09:36

It's not 100% certain the post was about you (though likely). This party could be so good for you son so I think a conversation to the mother as politely as possible explaining that actually you're not precious and would much rather be able to send your child to attack the party rings like "normal" would be good for both of you.
Your friend on the other hand is a bigger issue and I'd be reevaluating that friendship.

Degreaser · 17/07/2015 09:38

Party mum is ignorant and rude.
Your friend is a s* stirrer. There was no need for you to know that. I dare say she didn't bother to contract party mum via pm herself and gently suggest her FB comments with out of order. A friend would have protected you and called her out on it.
Now you do know though, I think speaking to the party mum in the way Finella suggested would be the best way to deal with it.

paulapompom · 17/07/2015 09:40

What Fennella said ^

Sorry you are having this hassle OP Flowers

WayneRooneysHair · 17/07/2015 09:40

I'd drop your 'friend' like a hot coal.

Are you 100% certain that the status was aimed at you?

rockybalboa · 17/07/2015 09:42

What a spectacular bitch. Although I'm not sure whether I'm referring to the party mum or your shit stirrer friend. To be honest I'd be inclined to drop shit stirrer friend in it as well and say to party mum that SSfriend told you what she had put on FB and given her views, your DS won't be coming after all. Yuck. Roll on the end of term eh...

Ejzuudjej · 17/07/2015 09:42

What Fenella said ^

Party mum is a bitch.

bangingthedrums · 17/07/2015 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 17/07/2015 09:43

Totally agree with Fenella. That's what I would do.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 17/07/2015 09:53

If that was me I would be tempted to make party mum feel guilty by thanking her profusely for being so understanding about DS's ASD when so many people just don't "get" it and saying how delicious her food looks and how I wished DS could eat it. (Obviously pretending I didn't know about her FB post.)

But the suggestions other people have made above are probably much more sensible.

hedgehogsdontbite · 17/07/2015 09:59

I absolutely disagree with people saying your friend is a shit stirrer. Your friend was right to tell you. As the parent of a child with ASD myself, who hasn't had a party invite in 22 years, I would want to know. I would not think much of a friend who allowed me to send my vulnerable child to an event hosted by someone with that attitude towards their disability.

I'd send her a message saying 'Thank you for the invite, DS was really looking forwards to it. However having seen your FB post about precious people who bringing their own food I now have to decline.' Then I'd completely blank her forever.

CrystalCove · 17/07/2015 10:04

I would just say something to party Mum, preferably in person. Keep calm and say you're sorry if she feels offended but your DS has a disability and why this means it can affect what he will eat, and you're just sad she couldn't say to you at the time how she felt rather than posting it on FB. Hopefully she will have the grace to be ashamed.

pictish · 17/07/2015 10:06

I agree with hedgehog there as well. Thought the toasting of the friend was unfair. I'd want to know and she sounds like a pal on the right side imo.

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