to ask you to make a judgey judgement

[Wideopenspace]

..on the single most annoying judgey pants comments used about women and mothers.

Seriously, we have to get all 'team women' on our own arses, or we are NEVER going to get equal.

I will begin:

Helicopter parent: I judge you for having your individual anxieties about your child, which may not tally with mine.

Being fat means you are a "real woman".

Yes, tattie.

This is exactly what I mean..

I just hate the word 'bitch'.

Yabu! Why shouldn't I judge women and indeed men. I'm not just going to say that I won't judge someone or pass an opinion on them because they are a woman and so am I!

I hate the term 'real women' too. As far as I'm concerned the XX chromosome pattern makes you a woman. The rest of it is all superficial stuff. Being fat or curvaceous no more makes you real than being a skinny minnie

Being a lentil weaving earth mother is a thing worthy of derision. It's not. It's a choice. It might not be your choice but it's not a choice that hurts anyone. Shut up about it.

formerbabe - and that is your right.

I'm just not sure it happens to men in quite the same way.

Being someone who identifies/identified as a 'babe' is a thing worthy of derision. It isn't. It's that person's choice.

Far!

Your first example of helicopter parent can apply to dads as well as mums. I described a dad I encountered in the park as a 'helicopter parent'! Not to his face though!

Yes, it can. But I more usually see it levelled at mothers.

Are you arguing that the playing field is level, former?

It really irritates me when someone posts "why did you even had children if you do x".

Nolim that IS annoying, and usually comes with a whole additional hoist of the judgey pantaloons.

Exactly. Like "my way is the only way to be a parent"

I don't like the 'team women' or sisterhood thing. It's as if I'm supposed to support all women in all their choices no matter how negative they might be or how much I disagree with them, just because they are women.

No, women are no more important to me than men just because we have more similar genitals. It's all just people.

PtolemysNeedle said what I meant to say but articulated much better than I did!

I don't understand! I completely don't understand your op!

Bollocks to that! I am a feminist, an equal opportunity labeller and disliker of daft human traits. I'll hoist my judgey knickers with genderless abandon (though that last bit sounded better in my head than it does now I have typed it )

Anything ever said about breast feeding v bottle feeding. Judgement about being too breast feedy. Judgement about not being able to cope with breast feeding and stopping. Judgement about choosing to bottle feed from the off set. Judgement about co sleeping with breast feeding and "poor husband" being pushed out. Judgement about breast feeding for too long.

JUST STOP IT.

Ptol - I don't think you have to support everything women do regardless - I guess my point is that women are STILL far from equal in today's society and that I think we do ourselves no favours by constantly judging each other's choices -

breastfeeding
childcare
whether to have children or not
working mum
stay at home mum

There is just SO much judging going on.

Mintyy does that help explain?

I think that judging others inwardly is a way of protecting ourselves and justifying our own decisions to ourselves. As a mother, I want the best for my child and as such I make a set of decisions. I spend a lot of time considering these choices (feeding, sleeping, attachment, choice of friends/pastimes). Everything and anything is scrutinised in an attempt to protect and care for my child.

When I see other parents, who perhaps have undergone a similar thought process, but have chosen different paths, I can't help but apply my set of values and principles. I do this (yes, I'm admitting I judge others) but then I immediately correct myself and remind myself that I don't know the parent, the child, the situation, the night they've just had or what they face on a daily basis.

lazylou your last sentence does make you sound like the Eunuch of the Harem... [grin}

Worst case of helicopter parenting I've ever witnessed was a man. I've never thought the term as being more strongly applied to women. Is it really or is it just because we expect the primary parent to be a woman?

Poor kid couldn't even sit down without her father telling her how she should sit and how to play with the toys in front of her. She was three so not a baby having play modelled to her.

My hate is is the bun fights between sahm and wohm. I can understand why they resent one another. Wohm want the 'my parenting is a full time job' sahm to acknowledge that her 'work day' is equivalent to a wohp's 'day off' (as in a weekend or a day's annual leave) and sahm doesnt have the stress of serving two masters: nursery or school run and work deadline/impromptu overtime. Wohp know what looking after children involves, because they're sahp at evenings and weekends in top of their full time job, too.

Sahm on the other hand resent wohm thinking they do nothing all day and choose being at home out of laziness or because it's easy. It isn't. Its as hard as it is boring and you don't even get a pay cheque to make up for the hassle. And no one ever says well done. Or makes you feel good at your job. And no one appreciates the salary sacrifice you took when you accepted the role. So you have to find your own worth or lose all motivation to stick at it.

Judging isn't always a bad thing of course - it helps us make instantaneous decisions that might keep us safe - but judgey judging and sweeping generalisations are just ...........well - shit really aren't they? They are invariably wrong if you just bother to dig a big deeper and almost always lazy. Seeing things through the eyes of another is never easy though but it's a skill we should all try to develop a little more.

Absolutely, Far - I like that 'walk a mile in another's shoes' thing.