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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad that DD is always left out

49 replies

steppedonlego · 04/07/2015 10:08

I mentioned to MIL earlier in the week that I was going to do a family activity with my DD aged 2 on Saturday, and invited her to come. She said that she couldn't as she was babysitting DNephew on Sunday and was planning to run errands on Saturday. Fair enough.

Rang SIL (not the mother of DNE) this morning to ask if DNiece would like to come along to activity with me and DD, and was told that MIL was taking DNE and DNI to an activity that was unsuitable for DD, (they're a little older than her, but the activity I wanted to do with her is suitable for all ages)

AIBU to be a little upset that my MIL is having all her grandchildren bar DD and taking them on a day out that she can definitely not do (too little) without mentioning to me or inviting along, when we could have had a day as a family all together?

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 04/07/2015 10:13

As a one off, the granny is perfectly entitled to do the older-children activity with your dniece and dnephew. It would be U of her to always prioritise them though.

TheWitTank · 04/07/2015 10:20

Not sure -is there a back story to this? Does she usually leave your dd out or is this a one off? Maybe she felt unable to cope with three small ones (especially one of two years old) together. What is the activity? Will it require her to be really focused on what the children are doing? Maybe she felt she would have to devote her time entirely to your two year old if she took her along?

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 10:21

Yabu. My oldest is 11 my youngest is 4. My brothers kids are 2 and under. Sometime m does stuff with just my oldest or both mine that are not appropriate for dbros.

She wouldn't note room it to him but wouldn't honour of her way to tell him or not do things because the youngest can't join in. Sometimes they can and do. Sometimes they can't.

But mum does also do things with theirs too

wizzywig · 04/07/2015 10:21

its not always left out. its this one occasion.

Original poster
steppedonlego · 04/07/2015 10:22

Not meaning to drip feed, but she has never offered to take my DD to do something, whether that be all three of them, two of them, or on her own, but often takes the two older ones out together. When I mentioned it before she has said that its easier to have the two older ones because they play together and need "less looking after" than if DD is involved, which is her choice and I've never argued with it. The reason I was upset about today was because I fully intended to be there to "look after" DD whilst also spending time with the rest of the family and without putting any pressure on MIL. I just can't think of the reason she would do that.

OP posts:
toobreathless · 04/07/2015 10:24

Honestly?

I think it's LOVELY that MIL is taking the older ones out to do a 'grown up' activity. Especially if they have younger siblings? Even if it was suitable for all the children I wouldn't have expected my two year old to be invited as three children is a handful!

woodhill · 04/07/2015 10:25

perhaps she finds it easier cwithbolder dc, my mum did whereas inlaws were better when dc were younger.

I'm sure she isn't doing it to leave your dd out but maybe it is unsuitable

SaucyJack · 04/07/2015 10:25

Unless there's a history..... then YABincrediblyU.

Why should the entire extended family be confined to activities suitable for a two-year-old just to suit you?

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 10:26

To be fairing struggled with ds until he was about 3.5 years. She could cope. She has dbros younger ones when dad is there too.

She has my oldest as a toddler but she was younger then too

Lovelydiscusfish · 04/07/2015 10:27

So did she lie and claim she was doing errands on Saturday when in fact she'll be taking her other grandchildren out? Have I read that right?

I think that's the bit you're entitled to be annoyed about. If granny doesn't think there's anything unfair in what she's doing, why lie?

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 10:27

How old are the older ones?

I find two older children eaiser than one toddler

SurlyCue · 04/07/2015 10:28

Yes YABU. This isnt personal, she is too young, presumably it is something the older ones wanted to do. You cant honestly expect that every time the older DGCs want to do something that MIL tells them no because your DD is too little! Hmm way to create resentment of DD amongst the other grandchildren! Also but the activity I wanted to do with her is suitable for all ages
they had already arranged their trip when you called! You are being exceptionally entitled to think they should change their plans, something they are looking forward to, in order to do something suitable for toddlers!

toobreathless · 04/07/2015 10:28

Why don't you plan the next day out then? you can make it clear that everyone is welcome or MIL can just bring the older two and you will look after DD.

2 year olds are VERY hard work, my older two are close in age and the 4 year is much less work than her 2.5 year old sister. MIL may not feel physically up to. Day of car seats, buggies, worrying about running into roads, nappies etc.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 10:29

Also I do certain activities that are suitable for my oldest and not my youngest.

If she struggles to keep up with toddlers I don't see the issue.

Also do you ever ask her to have your child?

AuntyMag10 · 04/07/2015 10:30

I can see why you feel hurt but don't take it personally. Your mil finds it easier to manage the older kids which fair enough makes it different with a much younger child there. When your Lo gets older then she will have the same time with her gm.

Original poster
steppedonlego · 04/07/2015 10:31

Just to clarify, often has the older two alone, at least twice a month. I've never demanded for DD to be involved before, I don't expect everyone to pander to my whims, it's just this once I told her earlier in the week that I was doing this activity (suitable for all ages, not just a two year old) invited her, and she declined in favour of taking the older two out to something DD couldn't do, even though I was going to be there and wasn't asking her to babysit DD in any way.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 04/07/2015 10:31

The reason I was upset about today was because I fully intended to be there to "look after" DD whilst also spending time with the rest of the family and without putting any pressure on MIL. I just can't think of the reason she would do that.

But you wanted them to change their plans! You werent planning on looking after DD at the thing they were going to- you wanted them to do your thing!

As for I just can't think of the reason she would do that.

This comes across as incredibly whiney and disingenuous! You do know why! She told you why- they already had plans!

Original poster
steppedonlego · 04/07/2015 10:34

They didn't have their plans. I asked on Thursday and she planned this on Friday.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 04/07/2015 10:39

I told her earlier in the week that I was doing this activity (suitable for all ages, not just a two year old) invited her, and she declined in favour of taking the older two out to something DD couldn't do

This sentence reads as though it was all one conversation. You invited her to your thing and she said that she was taking older DGC out to something else.

pinkdelight · 04/07/2015 10:41

I know how it feels when it's your own child, but really 2yo is very little and a a v different experience to being with older DC. Unless a person is great with little ones, there isn't much to recommend spending time with toddlers, even if you love them. My first thought when you said you'd invited her to the activity with you and DD was, perhaps sadly you'd think - what's the point? Unless it was for you and her to have a good natter then it doesn't need two adults to do an activity with a 2yo. I might do it with my own mum so we could talk to each other, but it'd be more 'fifth wheel' with my MIL and I'd totally understand if she'd rather do her own thing or be with older kids. YABU.

Original poster
steppedonlego · 04/07/2015 10:42

Apologies, I can see how that wasn't clear. I only spoke to her on Thursday when I asked her along and she declined as she had to run errands on Saturday as she had DNE on Sunday, which is obviously totally fine. On Friday evening she spoke to SILS and invited DNI and DNE to older activity.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 04/07/2015 10:43

Look- she doesn't owe you her time, and she doesn't need to justify her plans for the weekend to you. End of.

You asked her on a day out. She didn't want to come. For your own sake draw a line and move on.

SaucyJack · 04/07/2015 10:44

That sounds a bit blunt, sorry. But honestly- life is much easier when you keep your own counsel Smile

Original poster
steppedonlego · 04/07/2015 10:49

saucy I think you're right, honestly. Me and DD will be going out as planned and have a nice day as a twosome. :)

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 04/07/2015 10:52

Is it possible that DNephews parents needed him babysat today as well for some reason and only asked MIL after you had called her? So perhaps as she had declined your invitation she agreed to have him and then make it a day out with other DGCs? Perhaps he had asked specifically to do that activity? My sister has been promising my DCs a trip to the zoo for a long time and she has always been to busy, but every time they see her thats the first thing they ask her.