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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad that DD is always left out

49 replies

steppedonlego · 04/07/2015 10:08

I mentioned to MIL earlier in the week that I was going to do a family activity with my DD aged 2 on Saturday, and invited her to come. She said that she couldn't as she was babysitting DNephew on Sunday and was planning to run errands on Saturday. Fair enough.

Rang SIL (not the mother of DNE) this morning to ask if DNiece would like to come along to activity with me and DD, and was told that MIL was taking DNE and DNI to an activity that was unsuitable for DD, (they're a little older than her, but the activity I wanted to do with her is suitable for all ages)

AIBU to be a little upset that my MIL is having all her grandchildren bar DD and taking them on a day out that she can definitely not do (too little) without mentioning to me or inviting along, when we could have had a day as a family all together?

OP posts:

Original poster

steppedonlego · 04/07/2015 10:56

surly no, she asked to have him, and the activity is something the two of them and her do fairly often, and whilst fun and something they like to do, isn't on the same level of excitement/anticipation as a zoo trip if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 11:01

Do you ever ask her to have your child?

SurlyCue · 04/07/2015 11:02

Ahh ok. Well i cant pretend to know what is going on in her head but i really wouldnt take it personally. It is just a fact that 2 year olds are harder work than older DCs (although i prefer 2YOs tbh cause im weird ) so maybe she just wasnt feeling in the right frame of mind for the extra energy required for simply being around a toddler.

Original poster

steppedonlego · 04/07/2015 11:08

teabag occasionally, but it's always evening babysitting, which she will do and we're very grateful for, but that is maybe one evening every three to six months or so. I'm not worried at all about her not having DD for a full day, because as other posters have said, two year olds are exhausting and it would be very entitled of me to want her to do that. The thing that I'm asking about is if it was unreasonable to be a little upset that she'll take the older two alone, but take them elsewhere rather than have and spend time with the three of them together even when the burden of watching the youngest wouldn't be on her as I was there.

OP posts:

TheHormonalHooker · 04/07/2015 11:14

I don't think YABU at all.

My MIL was always busy, or said she'd have our children when they were older, when we asked, yet she'd have both SIL's kids from being babies. Our turn never came.

My parents were always working or had plans when I asked them. I am disabled and DH is in the Forces so a weekend or a day of babysitting would have been quite nice. They always had the time for my sisters children, taking them on many days out, weekends away and holidays. All these were kept secret and lied to me about, which shows they knew they were out of order, we found out when my nephew stayed with me for a week and hadn't realised he wasn't meant to say!

I've not seen my parents for almost four years now because I asked if they'd help me out when I was having major surgery and they said no. Then they booked a week away in a villa with my sisters children, and my niece's child, for the very same week. I got sick of playing second fiddle and not being good enough. My kids are 18&20 now and don't see them either, and rarely see PILs. You reap what you sow IMO.

RumbleMum · 04/07/2015 11:15

I feel like I ought to say YABU for all the reasons PP have stated, but to be honest I'd feel miffed in your situation. I know it's her choice and she's under no obligation, but I can't imagine my parents or in laws doing this as they're very careful to include everyone where possible. Fair enough if her plans were pre-arranged, but in her position I'd have tagged along with you and done the other activity another time.

Lovelydiscusfish · 04/07/2015 13:55

I can see why you're hurt, and am not entirely sure why you're received the responses you have, to be honest. You do get a bit of a thing on here whereby people are considered unreasonable and "entitled" to have any expectations of any members of their extended family, regarding how they will treat them, favours they will do for them, etc.

Me, I don't agree with that. I'd have the expectation that a grandparent with a number of grandchildren would try to spend time with all of them when the opportunity arose, not just some.

And essentially, you must feel that she picked errands over time with your dc, but time with the other grandchildren over errands.
Having said that, if you generally get on well with her, I'd try not to take it to heart.

rogueantimatter · 04/07/2015 14:09

I agree with Lovelydiscusfish. (My MIL has clear favourites among the grandchildren.) I don't think there's anything you can do about it. This seems to be an age old phenomenon - look at Joseph in the Old Testament!!

Sometimes MILs are closer to the GC of their daughters....

Maybe she doesn't like the zoo, maybe she will remember your invitation and make a point of inviting you and your DD to do something next weekend.

Try not to dwell on it. Family dynamics sometimes change as the children and circumstances change. Hope you have a nice time.

SaucyJack · 04/07/2015 14:33

"I'd have the expectation that a grandparent with a number of grandchildren would try to spend time with all of them when the opportunity arose"

But this is the point. You can expect what you like of people..... but they don't always behave in ways that we want them to and we can't make them.

The OP would only be spoiling her own day if she sat at home stewing over it. It ain't gonna change anything.

Lateswim16 · 04/07/2015 14:45

To be honest my day job is looking after a 2 year old and as you know it's hard work.

Much easier for mil to have the older ones.

Honestly op am sure she adores your dd too but maybe doesn't want the responsibility of a toddler and 2 other kids.

Don't dwell on it as sure not meant badly

Original poster

steppedonlego · 04/07/2015 15:18

Thankyou all. I've just got back from a lovely morning out and now DD is in the back garden playing in the paddling pool, so I can say in fairness we've had a lovely day together. :)

OP posts:

Original poster

steppedonlego · 04/07/2015 15:19

With just the two of us.

OP posts:

juneau · 04/07/2015 15:23

A lot of GPs find older DC much easier to deal with - particularly when there is more than one to keep an eye on. YABU to expect her to have the older two PLUS your 2-year-old DD at the same time - unless she's a particularly young, fit and hands-on granny anyway. I think you should let it go unless it keeps on happening.

DeeWe · 04/07/2015 16:03

She's not always left out, not even really left out this time. Merely your dm didn't want to go to something with you two.

I know dm admitted to me that she found it easier dealing with my girls than my nieces for two reasons. One being they are 5 years older. Second thing being she is 5 years older too.
Nothing to do with liking them more, wanting to go more with the etc. Simply age.

SaucyJack · 04/07/2015 18:35

Glad you had a good day Lego.

Hairylegs007 · 04/07/2015 18:39

Maybe the two older ones had asked to do this other activity

Purplepoodle · 04/07/2015 18:40

I'm on the fence. I have a 2 year old and older children and 2 year old does tend to dictate/change tone

Metalguru · 04/07/2015 21:09

From what you describe it seems clear mil picked errands over spending time with you and your DC, but then after this, picked her other GC over both errands, and spending time with you and your DC. So no, yanbu. 2 year olds aren't that exhausting when they are being looked after by their parents?

Hairylegs007 · 04/07/2015 21:26

Not everyone wants to do what 2 year olds want to do

redskybynight · 04/07/2015 21:43

Looking at this on the flip side. When MiL does something with my DC she often chooses to include their much younger cousin. Regardless of whether the activity is something that suits all ages, the experience we've had is that the younger child DOES monopolise and the older children don't get to do the activity in the same way. For example, cousin likes DD to "help" her with things. obviously it's lovely that they are bonding but it does mean that DD has a different experience to that she would have had without a younger child about.

So I don't think it's wrong of your MiL not to take our your DC when she has the younger 2. does she do things just with DD (and you)? If not, can't see a problem.

Hairylegs007 · 04/07/2015 22:10

Do the cousins get on or do they find DD a handful

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2015 23:46

Thing is, even if your activity is one dc of all ages can do, the day is still often dictated by the youngest/slowests in the group ifyswim. Maybe they didn't fancy that.

Original poster

steppedonlego · 05/07/2015 06:33

all three of the kids get on very well, one of the older cousins plays nicely with her, as they are not that much older than her, and the other loves her to pieces and mother hens her.

As I've said before, my mil has the older two very often, at least twice a month, and DD is never invited along, I don't get annoyed about this because of all the reasons mentioned above, but is it really too much to ask for her to be involved just this once? Really? I guess I have to accept that IABU to hope for any extended family to be interested in her.

OP posts:

juneau · 05/07/2015 11:38

But its not about being 'interested' in her. Two-year-olds are sweet, but they are hard work and not that much fun to take out for a day. I get you being upset that your MIL doesn't invite you and your DD over to her house or out to the park or something simple like that, but when my boys were two they were a PITA to take on longer outings. They got tired, grumpy, had meltdowns, would only eat a small number of foods, couldn't be safely taken to eaten anywhere but the most child-friendly of restaurants, everywhere had to be push-chair friendly (so no scrambling about in the woods or long walks on uneven ground), and TBH I'm delighted that they're now older and easier to take out. Your DD is your first DC, I'm assuming, so you don't have that ability to look back yet and see how much easier life gets as DC get older, but trust me, it does.

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