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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you cope with your DCs/parenting being judged?

27 replies

Fedupofplaystation · 26/06/2015 20:08

I am not a natural mother, in fact I find it really hard and think I'm pretty crap at it most of the time.

DC1 was a high maintenance baby, I had bad PND, my family have helped a lot with DC1.

DC1 is now 3 and still highly strung and prone to tantrums. They can lie and manipulate. They have periods of incontinence due to chronic constipation. They are also very intelligent, kind, funny, loving.

DC2 is a much more laid back baby, but has just hit the getting frustrated at being unable to move phase, so squeals a lot.

Dbro, has a 5mo DC who is very laid back, always slept well, hardly ever whinges, just lays there smiling. DSil, has been making a lot of comments to a close family member about how she doesn't want her DS to spend much time with me or another family member who helps with my DCs as she doesn't want her DC ending up like my DC1. I babysit whenever asked.

DSil often attributes how good her DC is to things she's done i.e. he never got colic due to baby massage (I tried that and it didn't work for DC1) etc.

I'm the first to slate my parenting, but I'm finding it really hurtful. How do you all cope with this sort of thing?

OP posts:
Chottie · 26/06/2015 20:18

Ignore, smile and ignore.

You are only hearing this second hand, do you think the close family member could be just stirring things up?

regarding Dbro - 5 months is still very young, there's a lot of parenting years to go under the bridge before his DC is grown up.

No-one is a perfect parent, just enjoy your DCs, don't let this upset you :)

bettysviolin · 26/06/2015 20:20

It's hurtful, but you have worked out that she says it out of ignorance - there's no truth in her criticism. I think parents like that deserve the DC2 from hell so that they come to learn we cope with who we are given.

Ignore ignorant people. I decided only to listen to comments from people who had had similar experiences (PND, baby with colic etc.) They are wiser and much more sympathetic.

HellBoundNothingFound · 26/06/2015 20:21

I'm not a natural mother by any terms and it took me till DD was 5 to think "fuck all y'all" about judging.

She's turning 7 soon, she's happy, spirited and funny as fuck but I know people would find her scary, I kinda like that!!

Don't judge yourself too harshly, both are still super young. You will soon realise all kids are different and you'll ease up on yourself. You love them, that's you winning!

PiperChapstick · 26/06/2015 20:22

The thought that people put the behaviour of a 5 month old down to their parenting is laughable. They'll shit their pants in 18 months time when the terrible twos kick in.

My DD is 2 and is erm shall we say, spirited. Lovely, kind, funny and intelligent but prone to tantrums. Like most 2yo. I also have a snooty SIL who is very smug that her 12 month old is "so happy and chilled" and often gives my DD horrible looks when she tantrums and says "I don't know how you can put up with that". I just keep thinking "wait and see".

I have stopped giving a shit TBH. I have good mum and crap mum moments but I know I am doing this best I possibly can and I have a child who adores me.

I actually had a similar conversation with a colleague not long ago who has 2 children with similar to mine. He said it's easy to look at children who are calm and placid and be envious. However his kids are now 8 and 6 and he says it's worth it to have children that are interesting and full of life and vigour, and that the tough years go by so very quickly - and that having a 'spirited' child pays dividends and much better than having a 'boring' child in the long run!

ouryve · 26/06/2015 20:22

Nod and smirk smile :)

People will always have their theories and offer advice. Often they're not wrong, but even more often, neither are you.

Wolfiefan · 26/06/2015 20:24

Smile and nod. Smile and nod.
I'm sure when their DC hits teen years that soothing baby massage will seem forever ago!
You sound really hard on yourself ("slating" your parenting)
No one is a perfect parent. It's a hard enough task without PND. You find it hard because it IS hard!
Do you have any help or support? Or would a parenting class give you confidence?
Hang on in there!

ouryve · 26/06/2015 20:24

And I say this as someone with 9 and 11 year old boys with autism. My parenting is on show all the bloody time :o

littlejohnnydory · 26/06/2015 20:28

I'm genuinely not bothered. The only person whose opinion of my parenting matters is my dc. I'm genuinely not at all bothered what anybody else thinks.

i think the problem is that they're tapping onto your own worries about whether you're cutting it as a parent. It might help to focus on you and the dc, just blinker everyone else out. Connect with them in any way you can. Whatever you enjoy doing with them and feel you're good at as a parent, do more of it. And remember that your children need YOU, not your SIL or any other imaginary perfect mother - it's you they want and need.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 26/06/2015 20:30

Ignore. I have two dcs with SNs, and I get negative comments from complete strangers sometimes. If I took it all to heart, I'd be a quivering wreck in a corner somewhere. Ignore and detach.

Original poster
Fedupofplaystation · 26/06/2015 20:32

Thank you,

Close family member does help me out a lot with the kids and loves us dearly but can't resist a bit of gossip so will sit and listen eagerly when SIL says these things despite claiming that she doesn't stand for it however it's entirely believable and fits with the way SIL behaves towards us.

I'm supposed to be babysitting my DN for a weekend soon and now I don't feel like I want to.

I need to grow a thicker skin don't I?

I have a horrible feeling that their DC is going to remain 'perfect', but then feel guilty for wishing that he won't be.

OP posts:
Discopanda · 26/06/2015 20:32

I could have written your post myself! My DB and his wife think they're the only parents who do anything right and their DD is perfect. Smile and Nod and repeat. BTW lying that young is a sign of intelligence! My DD1 is a handful and a half but she's happy, healthy and very loving.

Couldashouldawoulda · 26/06/2015 20:36

If she seriously questioned your parenting abilities, she wouldn't be taking advantage of all this free babysitting you're providing, now would she?! How annoying though. I'd be tempted to cancel.

trilbydoll · 26/06/2015 20:37

Something will go wrong eventually - either they'll have a high maintenance dc2, or dc1 will hit teeth, terrible twos, revolting teenage years etc - and because they're so smug about their parenting, they are totally unequipped to deal with it.

And next time they ask you to babysit say you're busy!

Cumbrae · 26/06/2015 20:37

I might be rather less available for babysitting personally (and I'd quietly explain why too)

We have twins and were most entertained at the number of our friends who thought that their singleton child's behaviour was solely down to their parenting (the benefit of twins is that you learn straight away how much of a very small child's behaviour is down to personality)

A number of them got large shocks when number two baby came along and burst their parenting bubbles.

No one is a perfect parent, we're all just doing the best we can.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 26/06/2015 20:38

Yep, their DC will remain perfect throughout and forever. My oldest sister is like this - her children can do no wrong. I place the blame squarely at her doorstep, and detached from it. I still talk to her, but just ignore the comments - like they just fizzled out into thin air. It's not her children's fault she's like that, so I have to carefully keep her comments separate from the children, otherwise you start looking for faults in the children, which is of course wrong.

parallax80 · 26/06/2015 20:38

Ignore.

Although, I think the colleague who describes children who are not 'spirited' as boring is also snooty and mean. Being calm and placid doesn't mean you can't be interesting!

parallax80 · 26/06/2015 20:41

And fully agree with Cumbrae - while my twins are still tiny, it has been obvious from day 1 that they are very different characters.

HellBoundNothingFound · 26/06/2015 20:43

All kids are dick heads from time to time, same as all adults. I'm sure it's all a load of old shit...There is a lot of front in parenting, if we were all honest we'd all be better off!

It does get easier and having a child with a strong personality is fucking brilliant! ignore ignore ignore

Original poster
Fedupofplaystation · 26/06/2015 20:44

This weekend will be only the second time I've babysat 5mo DN.

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 26/06/2015 20:46

Yes be prepared that their boasting will never end. They've conveyed the "perfect child" and now can't go back on that and probably wouldn't admit when he's being a bugger!

NRomanoff · 26/06/2015 20:56

I have 2 kids 10 years and 4 years.

The oldest is so well behaved, the youngest not so much. I am not a natural mother, I know I am not perfect. I get it right most of the time and always have the kids best interests at heart. Like all parents, I get stuff wrong, but I always want what's best for them.

Sil and dbro have 2 kids who are almost 1 and almost 3. For the first year of her pfb life, all we heard was how perfect he was because of what she and dbro did. She even predicted how perfect he would be in future, he would be an excellent water, never picky, easy to potty train etc. she had many digs about me working, any decision I made. I ignored her. Because I knew full well that eventually she would realise she was talking shit. Her pfb did become picky, refuses to go on a potty, huge tantrums.....usual toddler behaviour. Now she mainly keeps her trap shut.

No need for me to do anything. They made tits of themselves.

NRomanoff · 26/06/2015 20:58

Also I have never let her or dbros behaviour stop me from being an auntie either. If she really didn't want you around their child she wouldn't be asking you to babysit

FringedLampshade · 26/06/2015 20:58

Why would you babysit for someone who overtly considers you a poor parent, OP? I'd be making your brother and SIL feel the consequences of their unpleasant judgemtal comments by becoming swiftly unavailable for the weekend and suggesting they phone Mary Poppins instead. They don't get to take advantage of your generosity while dissing you and your children. Let them deal with their perfect offspring during their weekend break.

I would also be making it very plain to the other family member that her passing on SIL's comments isn't appreciated.

Tangerineandturquoise · 26/06/2015 21:00

Flowers cost it is horrid
I would withdraw the offer of babysitting and explain why-if you can do it calmly.
If it is true your SIL said that then they don't deserve you looking after their children, it was a beachy thing to say and she can't pick and choose whether she enacts it.
If she didn't say it-well then that will clear up future second hand comments being passed on.

Your children think you are the most amazing woman on the planet they love you to infinity and beyond and if you weren't around a part of their heart would break and never be repaired. You are naturally the best mother for them.

Your SIL will learn the hard way-she may try and hide it but she will learn the hard way that she is wrong.

DinosaursRoar · 26/06/2015 21:05

you're babysitting for a whole weekend? Not just a couple of hours in the evening when the baby is in bed anyway and you're just a body there? Then ignore the second hand gossip, your DB and SIL clearly think your parenting is perfectly acceptable, or if you do do things differently, it's not "bad parenting" because otherwise there's no way they'd let you have their tiny child overnight!

It's hard leaving a 5 month old, that's not something you can do with someone you think will not care for them. If she doesn't want you to spent a lot of time with her DS, she would not be leaving him with you for a whole weekend!

Either the person who told you is lying, or exagerating, or your SIL has been saying things for effect, but doesn't really mean it.

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