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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DH regarding me cracking the boot lid down on DD's head

35 replies

chronictreehugger · 25/06/2015 18:36

I had been shopping earlier today for DH as myself and DD (2) are going away at the weekend with some friends as a belated birthday treat.

I came back from shopping, got DD out of the car and started unloading from the boot, at this point DHs niece walked out of MILs house stomped to her car and drove off (we don't get on and we live next door to MIL). I guessed that DH was probably at MILs having a cup of tea and in the usual fashion, didn't bother to come out to help me with bags.

Anyway my hands were absolutely full with shopping bags, I had hold of DDs hand and tight I had her pulled back but as I shut the boot down she was just there, I feel terrible but I feelissed off also that DH didn't bother to come out and help me.

I blew up at him and just said yet again you've watched me struggle on and his defence was that he didn't see me come into the yard, I find this hard to believe as he has a clear view of the yard from where he sits and the fact that his niece walked out the minute after I got there and the fact that I was due back anyway told me differently.

He won't talk to me now and has disappeared out of the house, I've calmed down and I feel bad for blowing up at him but I'm so upset that I always have to struggle on with everything! It's a culmination of things. Obviously it wasn't his fault that I closed the lid on her head but if he'd come out to help me it probably wouldn't have happened.

She's been down to A&E checked her over and thank goodness, she's fipme but I still feel so bad and even worse now that he won't speak to me.

OP posts:
PurpleSwift · 25/06/2015 18:42

Why not take lo in then get the shopping? Or ask him to help?

chocolateyay · 25/06/2015 18:43
  1. glad she's OK. Sam thing happened to me (my head) and it bloody hurts. I was concussed too.
  2. why is he sulking? OK you yelled but you were upset and angry (with yourself) and he caught the flack. Understandable. When you've calmed down, tell him your sorry for yelling and that of was because you were so upset and worried. Next time, tell him yo shift his arse and help out.
molyholy · 25/06/2015 18:43

I think you felt guilty about hurting your dd so took it out on you dh. Although he should have come out to help. That would have pissed me off too. It was a pure accident though, so wasn't your fault. Glad your dd is okay Flowers

chickenfuckingpox · 25/06/2015 18:45

read the op she thought he was at mils house next door xx

he is acting like a child isn't he

i cracked my sons head off the wall earlier he leant back as i turned around and bump Sad

accidents happen Flowers

Tangerineandturquoise · 25/06/2015 18:46

You are upset that you hit your daughter on the head with the boot-anyone one of us would be
You are blaming your DH which is understandable but not really reasonable, you could have taken your DD to your MIL whilst you unloaded-asked your niece to watch her whilst you unloaded
Left her in a safe location in the house whilst you unloaded
I do get why you are peeved off and upset- Just not sure I can say it is reasonable Flowers though for a horrid day

NinkyNonkers · 25/06/2015 18:48

It was an accident, but I appreciate it is a natural reaction to apportion blame.

But, why try to take it all in at once? Why not stick your head in and ask? And why are you shopping for your husband, is he incapable?

BackInTheRealWorld · 25/06/2015 18:48

YABU. He didn't know you were there. You could have put the shopping bags down before shutting the boot. You bashed your daughters head. You blew up at him. You took no responsibility and instead kicked off and blamed someone who wasn't even there. No wonder he is pissed off.

TiggieBoo · 25/06/2015 18:49

I would have taken DD in and sent DH to bring the shopping in. I wouldn't necessarily expect him to come and help as soon as he saw me. Understandably you were upset and shouted at him, he's a grown up and he'll get over it. Happy DD is ok. I once closed the boot over my own head, if that makes you feel any better. Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/06/2015 18:50

Not his fault DD got hit.

BUT, why is he sitting around drinking tea while you are both shopping AND looking after DD? Is this usual? You do all the work while he sits around.

viva100 · 25/06/2015 18:51

YABU. Not his fault, you're angry with yourself and took it out on him. If DH screwed up and then yelled at me for a different issue I would be pretty angry with him too. Apologize and address the other issue separately.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 25/06/2015 18:53

I think you need to ensure your daughter is safely inside before becoming preoccupied with unloading as she could have wondered off into the road while your weren't watching her fully

Bellebella · 25/06/2015 18:53

I think your oh is right to be a little annoyed. You did cause the accident ultimately and then blew up at him when actually he was not there. I would have sent dd in and then got the shopping out, or taken some bags and went back for the rest.

Yes your oh should have helped but still bit of an overreaction to blame him for the accident.

If your oh does not help much at all then I could understand you being annoyed more.

Glad your dd is ok, I once accidently dropped ds a little and he banged his head against a table Blush so I think most have caused their child a accident at one point!

DoJo · 25/06/2015 19:08

I agree that YAB a bit U to blame your husband for something that really wasn't his fault. Even if he had seen you and had come out, your daughter could still have got a bang on the head - it's bad luck and understandable that you lashed out a bit, but not something I think you should fall out over once the heat of the moment has passed.

If you have issues with him pulling his weigh, being a functioning member of the family and getting off his arse to do things, then those need addressing, but you will undermine your point if you wait until something like this happens and then throw blame around willy nilly. You need to discuss his unwillingness to pull his weight when you are calm and able to be rational, not when you are worried about your daughter and casting blame wherever it may land.

CakeLady1 · 25/06/2015 19:15

Sometimes it can feel natural to blame someone else for an error - if DH was nowhere in sight, you would've blamed the stupid car for having a heavy boot, or the stupid shopping for being so cumbersome, or the Internet order packers for always getting the order wrong so you're having to do the shopping yourself....
...whatever...

It's natural, especially if you've had a shit of a day, but not very reasonable on the unsuspecting husband.
Perhaps set up a system, where you call DP to come out and help just as you're getting out of car?
Glad DD is ok.

Original poster
chronictreehugger · 25/06/2015 19:27

Completely agree with everyone,I blame myself but I just wish he'd shift his arse a bit, I'd struggled with her all the way around the shops, nearly been ran off the road about 2 minutes earlier and then this happened. He's not incapable, just useless grrrrr

OP posts:
RJnomore · 25/06/2015 19:34

Youre going away so why are you shopping for him? Is he incapable of finding his own way to food?

NinkyNonkers · 25/06/2015 19:35

Exactly!

MistressDeeCee · 25/06/2015 19:43

Glad your DD is ok OP but sorry, this is sounding like a martyr situation. "Struggled" round the shops? Why? You surely could have left DD with her dad? Can't she spend time with her dad and grandmother instead of traipsing round a supermarket with you?

As for shopping for your DH because you & DD are going away as a birthday treat for you & her...erm...I don't get it. Really.

If you take it upon yourself to do everything you can't really complain too much when you're left to get on with everything. In an ideal world there would be an insistence to help but in reality, that often doesn't happen.

Floggingmolly · 25/06/2015 19:48

Why wouldn't it have happened if he'd been helping?? There's no correlation there at all, you are being very unreasonable indeed.

OhEmGeee · 25/06/2015 20:03

Why didn't you just ask him to give you a hand? Why are you buying him stuff for when you're away? Will he not survive?

redskybynight · 25/06/2015 20:14

I've been shopping this evening. I got home, walked into the house, asked DH to come and help get the bags out the car. He said he'd even been listening out for me, but just not hear me pull into the drive. So he helped me unload and there was no drama. OP sounds a bit martyrish - if you knew DH was there why not explicitly ask him to come and help or look after DD rather than struggling by yourself.

thatsshallot · 25/06/2015 20:20

Sorry about your DD and get the feeling it's about more than just this, but any reassurance my mum has done this to all of us children and some of our partners too!

Easily done with those type of boots, so it's easily done but totally get that you feel awful :(

MQv2 · 26/06/2015 01:29

Jesus wept, completely unreasonable.

Can only imagine that those who are saying its understandable to have a go at him would be equally understanding if the husband had hurt the child and then came in blaming his wife for his mistake.

Original poster
chronictreehugger · 26/06/2015 07:59

Everything in context, I've asked for help with the shopping numerous times before and been refused. I'm not "Martyrish" I've just learnt that I generally don't get much help with anything and I just have to get on with it. If he'd been there to help me, he could've taken the shopping in whilst I carried DD to the house so no it probably wouldn't have happened. The chances are that if I went into MILs to ask for help I'd have had some dig or comment off her "oh struggling to cope again" because I've had it all before.

When I had PND I was attention seeking so maybe that's partly the reason why I don't bother asking dfor help. Maybe he should use some gumption and just do it!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 26/06/2015 08:04

You closed the boot on her head!!! I know it was an accident; but no, it doesn't matter a damn who was carrying the bags, if you didn't look at where her head was before you slammed the door, that's on you. Entirely.
The only circumstances in which it wouldn't have happened is if you had looked before you slammed the door.
Stop your nonsense.