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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want dh to get back into shape, Channing Tatum lookalike

38 replies

wcwlife · 17/06/2015 09:25

In the five years since we've been married he's stopped taking care of his body like he used to and with work has given up most of the sports he liked. I'm no longer physically attracted to him and it makes me feel funny seeing him gorge on junk.

He used to have a body like said movie star when he is in shape, now looks like the fat version.

Nc as this makes me seem like a shallow bitch. But I feel very strongly about this and it is putting a stress on our relationship. Have not has sex in 9+ months.can anyone understand where I'm coming from?

OP posts:

TwinkieTwinkle · 17/06/2015 09:27

I don't think comparing him negatively to a hot famous guy is really going to help. Just make him feel even shittier about himself.

123Jump · 17/06/2015 09:28

No,I can't.
Helping someone to be healthy is one thing, but this sort of materialistic shite is horrible.
YABU.

SoupDragon · 17/06/2015 09:31

Nc as this makes me seem like a shallow bitch

It does.

I hope you never get out of shape.

ggggllll · 17/06/2015 09:32

Depends. Would he be unreasonable to expect you to lose the spare tyre so you are shaped a bit more like Kate Moss?

Grewupinafield · 17/06/2015 09:32

So would you be ok with your DH saying you used to look like Beyoncé and now you're too fat, he doesn't want to have sex with you?

If you're worried about this health, talk to him. But you're coming across as shallow.

My DH is physically very fit, naturally he's very slim and fit. I am not. I have had 2 difficult pregnancies and put on a lot of weight which I am now starting to lose. I'd be devastated if he said the things you are saying.

Do you love him? Would you leave him if he said, actually, he's happy being this weight?

SoupDragon · 17/06/2015 09:32

Maybe find some kind of exercise you can do together.

ggggllll · 17/06/2015 09:32

*unreasonable FOR HIM to expect

Branleuse · 17/06/2015 09:35

Shame you married someone that you thought would stay beautiful forever.

Looks fade, weights fluctuate

Original poster

wcwlife · 17/06/2015 09:42

Well actually its not so much the look that puts me off, more the lack of taking care of himself.

I've compared him to a movie star that went from in shape to loosing it, that is similar to what dh has done.

Its like his whole attitude to taking care of himself and looking after himself has just disappeared since we got married.

OP posts:

TwinkieTwinkle · 17/06/2015 09:49

Yes but it sounds as though you are more concerned about his appearance than the potential health implications of his weight gain.

SaulGood · 17/06/2015 09:50

I actually don't think it's so unreasonable. The way he looks is just a consequence of a larger attitude which you are probably struggling with far more than the resulting effects on his body. I think if he's stopped investing any time in looking after himself and isn't enjoying his usual hobbies, then it is often symptomatic of a larger problem.

Have you talked to him? Is he missing the sports he used to do? Is he unhappy with aspects of his life?

Of course if he is happy and was looking for an excuse to get rid of his hobbies and to change his diet drastically, then there's nothing to be done but I suspect this is not the case.

molyholy · 17/06/2015 09:55

eyebags63 · 17/06/2015 09:57

Nc as this makes me seem like a shallow bitch.
Yes, yes it does. I'm not surprised he doesn't want to have sex, his confidence is probably shot to bits if that is the level of respect you show to him. You don't have to say anything, he will be well aware of how negatively you view him.

People get older and often fatter as they age. You could suggest a healthier lifestyle but I think the issue should be approached with extreme caution.

Uhplistrailer · 17/06/2015 09:58

Ha. There was a thread on here almost exactly the same a little while ago. People were siding with the op! You really can't tell on here...

EponasWildDaughter · 17/06/2015 10:03

No sex in 9 months because ... ? He's not interested anymore or you aren't?

Maybe it was a strain to keep himself in 'peak' shape before. Perhaps he is just feeling relaxed and secure?

viva100 · 17/06/2015 10:08

YABU. You sound very shallow.

But try to find a solution that does not involve saying that to his face. Find something to do together. Maybe say you want to start doing things together or that you want to be healthier and want him on board. Decide to cook healthier recipes, make some meal plans.

For the record, I did exactly that with DH at the beginning of the year bc I could see we were getting in a bad, lazy routine. I wanted us both to get more healthy. So now we go to the park and play sth/walk both Sat and Sun. Meals are much healthier. We rarely buy snacks and make sure there's loads of fruit in the house. I joined a gym and go to classes. And now he's decided to join a basketball team (which he hasn't done in ages). So it can work if you're supportive. But I never told him he's getting fat and I didn't stop being attracted to him.

googoodolly · 17/06/2015 10:23

I don't think OP sounds shallow. She hasn't had sex for 9 months - that's understandably pretty upsetting and frustrating, and it's not particularly attractive to watch someone you love sit and gorge on junk food with no worry about what it's doing to their weight and health.

I think you need to talk to him, OP. Get to the bottom of everything - the lack of sex, the junk food, the decrease in exercise, and see what you can do to encourage him to get back into that kind of thing. Adults should be exercising regularly and gorging on junk food and quitting his activities isn't going to be helping his energy levels or sex drive.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 17/06/2015 10:29

She has not sympathetically worded it but I can see where the OP is coming from. Discussing weight of one?s partner seems to be a bit of a sacred cow around here unless it is carefully framed within the context of being 'concerned for their health'.

If my outgoing, sporty, healthy eating, get up and go DW without good reason piled on the weight and turned into a couch potato I would be a bit disappointed. While those attributes are not the sole things that attracted me to her they did form part of the overall package which made me fancy her.

I think your average person is under no illusion that as you get older it becomes harder to maintain the weight you took for granted in your 20s but there is a huge difference between being active and not quite as in shape as you used to be and not bothering at all and piling on the weight.

Also find it hard to believe that most MN's would be thrilled if their partners became massively overweight.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 17/06/2015 10:45

I have some sympathy - you can love the person that you are with, but lose the attraction to them if they have a dramatic change in their appearance due to a change in their attitude, rather than something beyond their control (such as pregnancy, or medication, or a health condition).

The difficulty is that obviously it's his body. If he doesn't give a shit, then you can't force him to,and you would be wrong to undermine his confidence on purely aesthetic reasons.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 17/06/2015 10:54

I think I'd need to better understand the magnitude of change to make a judgement.

I wouldn't find it attractive if my husband stopped exercising and was "gorging" on junk food. But I would still find him sexy if he gained weight as part of normal middle aged progression, because my attraction to him is not superficial.

CalleighDoodle · 17/06/2015 11:00

I dont think you are ynreasonable either. I dont agree with this idea that you should get married and stop caring about your appearsnce. It shoes a lack of respevt for your partner. Also a lack of respect for yourself.

Enb76 · 17/06/2015 11:14

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable - I think putting on masses of weight and neglecting to look after yourself in a marriage is actually disrespectful to the other party. It's like they don't have to make an effort now they have you and would put me off someone entirely. A little bit of extra weight isn't a problem, large weight gain is.

GRT · 17/06/2015 11:18

Thing is, people change over time. Imagine if I said the wife ought to go on a diet? Wouldn't you say I was BU?

When I was younger, around the time I met DW, I was quite different - I have gone from Jonny Depp to Les Dawson in about 15 years, grown a beard and hair that cover me at least as well as a burka and I look like I could have a fight with a house and win.

My "job" as a man now is not to attract women and do shagging, which it was when I was in my early 20s. It is to be a loving husband and father and to provide food, board, emotional support and physical protection to my family, oh and to be comfortable enough in my own skin to be a calming influence in their lives. If DW started pushing for me to get insecure about my body, get a 28 inch waist, work on my abs and post a diary about it on instagram I'd probably say "OK, you first!" :D

I do understand, because we all see our partners change, but perhaps DW and I have it a bit easier because she has metamorphosed in all the same wonderful ways I have.

For me... YABU. It will depend on DH though

MNpostingbot · 17/06/2015 11:21

Yes I was thinking this about DW the other day, two kids on and she's lost the kelly brook figure, spends all her time either getting the kids ready or working to feed and clothe them. As a result she doesn't go to the gym as often and eats food that is easy to prepare but not healthy.

For a while I thought "thats life, I'm not in the shape I was 8 years ago" but OP has changed my mind, I'll be reading the riot act later, she's got 3 months to get her figure back or she's out.......

Enb76 · 17/06/2015 11:26

That's different - that's a life taking its toll - it's not giving up. A life lived is fine, just falling apart because you can't be bothered is disrespectful. I wouldn't expect a wife or a husband to look the same after 20 years but I would expect them to not be enormous if they didn't start out that way.

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