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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful for holiday with the inlaws

51 replies

Squirrel78 · 13/06/2015 20:25

This year for the fourth year running we are going on holiday with the in-laws. They are paying as they always do. This joint holiday phenomenon has materialised since we had my dd age 3. Of course I should be grateful that we are getting a free holiday that we otherwise wouldn't have as I'm a sahm.

But I'm not. I hate them. Dh loves them. We don't get any time on our own, they always dictate what we do and interfere with the way we bring up dd. They want to do things that are frankly boring for a toddler. Last year dd was crying each afternoon and they thought she was being difficult but she was exhausted because they wouldn't let her have a nap during the day because it interfered with their plans.

I always end up arguing with dh because I'm trying to look after my daughter's interests and by the end of the week I'm ready to throttle them! I just wish we could have a break on our own!

Does anyone else have this problem?

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrel78 · 13/06/2015 20:26

When I say I hate them I mean I hate joint holidays not the inlaws!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 13/06/2015 20:28

So they pay for a holiday every year which otherwise you wouldn't get?

If you hate going that much....maybe give it a miss and save for a family holiday with just the 3 of you.

BlueBananas · 13/06/2015 20:28

They wouldn't let her nap?? Did they wake her up?
If they have plans when she needs to nap you simply say "you go ahead, DD needs a sleep I'll stay here"
Same for forcing their plans on you "oh we were planning on taking DD to the beach today, we'll meet up with you later for dinner!"
Sounds like you just need to speak up more tbh

Original poster
Squirrel78 · 13/06/2015 20:30

Only1scoop - giving it a miss isn't an option and we can't afford to save unfortunately.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 13/06/2015 20:30

Also yes speak up....will be so much easier now that she's a little bit older...."we're off to so and so today if you don't fancy it shall we meet for supper?" Get DH to have a word with them about spending some time on your own. I couldn't spend a week traipsing around with others.

undoubtedly · 13/06/2015 20:30

Oh I thought you might be my SIL then!

you need to put some incontrovertible rules in place to cover naps and bedtimes etc. it's not for your benefit, but your child's.

Simply state your case and don't budge. Make it clear before you go now it's going to be.

It seems a shame not to go on holiday when if you just stand up for yourself it might be nice.

strawberryshoes · 13/06/2015 20:30

Yanbu

Sounds hard work, but you might just have to be stronger on the activities front and say "sorry dd and I won't be joining you for that as it clashes with her naptime." And when they argue and cajole you, you just smile and say "no. It clashes with her nap" on repeat.

If you have to go, go but take control for your own sanity and you dds sleep!

Original poster
Squirrel78 · 13/06/2015 20:32

Bluebananas - yes if she was asleep in the car they would be banging on the window to wake her up so she could go on the tram or whatever. Once when she was a baby and we were on a day out dd was screaming for a feed and mil just marched off with her because she wanted to push her!

OP posts:
Nydj · 13/06/2015 20:32

If they don't let you do your own thing for at least part of the time then they are not paying for a holiday for you, they are paying for the privilege of dictating what you do for a few days and you certainly don't have to be grateful for that! To be honest, I suspect the real problem is your husband who loves these 'holidays' and isn't putting his daughter's interests first.

tobytoes · 13/06/2015 20:34

No person on earth would tell me how to raise my child and they certainly wouldn't stop me from letting my daughter have a nap. If she needs a nap just take her for nap. I agree with what other posters have said, sounds you you need to speak up more and stand your ground, what's the worse that could happen?

Nydj · 13/06/2015 20:34

I am intrigued, why isn't it an option to give it a miss?

BlueBananas · 13/06/2015 20:34

Shock they banged on the window to wake her up!?! What did you do?!
I think that would've been the last day of holidays with them for me

undoubtedly · 13/06/2015 20:34

You're suffering because you aren't standing up for yourself.

You need to get tough.

phoenixrose314 · 13/06/2015 20:35

Two different issues here.

Yes, YABU for being ungrateful for the holiday - they are expensive, especially out of peak hours, and you should be thankful to have the chance of a break that a lot of people out there cannot afford.

But YANBU for wanting to accommodate DD's needs and being annoyed at them for dictating the holiday. I would advise looking up local attractions you WOULD like to take DD to, and bring along info on them and suggest brightly (with DH and DD backing you up - the advantage to her being 3 now is she can join in with pleas!) that you go to these places as DD "will just love it!"

They can't say no to the shining face of their precious granddaughter, can they?? Wink

Only1scoop · 13/06/2015 20:35

Giving it a miss isn't an option??Confused

Is it a holiday or a concentration camp?

Of course you have an option

Original poster
Squirrel78 · 13/06/2015 20:36

Nydj - it isn't an option because of dh. He said I was being selfish and he would take dd without me if I refused to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrel78 · 13/06/2015 20:37

Good advice Phoenix thank you!

OP posts:
lomega · 13/06/2015 20:38

Does your husband know how you feel? Would he agree to a family holiday just the 3 of you instead? I do think you need to speak up a bit more tbh, just be firm and clear that your DD WILL be having naps/feeds at certain times/etc and then carry it out.

We were at my ILs for xmas and though it was fun I did have to be firm with them regarding DS's naps and what he would/wouldn't be doing, they wanted to walk around a freezing park for 2 hours and although I went, after a while I said 'right I'm cold and DS is chily and hungry so I'm going back to the car with him, see you in a bit'.

highkickindandy · 13/06/2015 20:38

So, why can't you give it a miss?
What would happen if you said no thanks this time?
What happens if you oppose plans that don't work for your child's age/interests/schedule?
Does your husband support you in this? - if not, then that's where your problem lies, with him, as on so many other threads here about in laws.

It's not the law that you have to go on holiday with these people and jump when they say jump, it sounds like you're not getting the support you need. Sorry, it does sound very difficult for you, but no holiday is better than a free one you don't enjoy I would have thought.

tobytoes · 13/06/2015 20:38

Would your husband take dd even if she was tired? Screaming? Surely not!!!!

AlwaysDancing1234 · 13/06/2015 20:39

I think you need to get tough with them, I know it's difficult as I've had to be quite tough with both MIL and Mother in the past for waking DS/DD up on purpose or just being blind to the needs of a small child. I'm not saying turn down the holiday or stop doing anything with them at all, just make it clear your DC comes first and set boundaries

BlueBananas · 13/06/2015 20:39

You have bigger issues than the holiday by the sounds of it
I'd start with the selfish unsupportive husband

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/06/2015 20:39

he would take dd without me if I refused to go. Sounds like bliss. Unless DH isn't capable of looking after his own DD's needs and putting her first. in which case you have MUCH bigger problems than the ILs.

Nydj · 13/06/2015 20:40

Ah so, it is your husband that is the problem as much, if not more than your in laws.

highkickindandy · 13/06/2015 20:40

oops cross posted, your husband is not supporting you in this is he - so sorry