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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful for holiday with the inlaws

51 replies

Squirrel78 · 13/06/2015 20:25

This year for the fourth year running we are going on holiday with the in-laws. They are paying as they always do. This joint holiday phenomenon has materialised since we had my dd age 3. Of course I should be grateful that we are getting a free holiday that we otherwise wouldn't have as I'm a sahm.

But I'm not. I hate them. Dh loves them. We don't get any time on our own, they always dictate what we do and interfere with the way we bring up dd. They want to do things that are frankly boring for a toddler. Last year dd was crying each afternoon and they thought she was being difficult but she was exhausted because they wouldn't let her have a nap during the day because it interfered with their plans.

I always end up arguing with dh because I'm trying to look after my daughter's interests and by the end of the week I'm ready to throttle them! I just wish we could have a break on our own!

Does anyone else have this problem?

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrel78 · 13/06/2015 20:40

He's right though - it is selfish of me to deprive dd of a holiday and time with her grandparents just because I won't enjoy it.

OP posts:
Nydj · 13/06/2015 20:44

He isn't right. At least not necessarily right especially if they don't take her needs into account.

TwinkieTwinkle · 13/06/2015 20:44

I honestly think YABU. You are being given a free holiday. You are an adult, put your foot down for the sake of your child! I have holidayed with both my parents and DS grandmother, I set the rules for anything concerning him, they respect that because I pushed that issue. I am thankful and grateful that they invite us on holiday but they are also thankful that they are given the opportunity to spend that time with their grandson.

Myricales · 13/06/2015 20:44

Once when she was a baby and we were on a day out dd was screaming for a feed and mil just marched off with her because she wanted to push her!

And you and your husband let her? Christ.

Janethegirl · 13/06/2015 20:44

I'd let him take dd on his own. It's not likely to happen ever again!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/06/2015 20:44

Huh? In the OP and subsequent posts, you say that they ignore her needs, to the point of her crying every day. What are you exactly depriving her of?

WaitingForMe · 13/06/2015 20:45

YANBU to not feel grateful. We go away with extended family paid for by DH's Grandad. It's usually a very nice house and they are nice people but it's not my idea of a good time. We go, the kids have a great time with their family and everyone is "happy."

But grateful? There's not much in it for DH and I other than seeing everyone happy. MIL and SIL have lots of rules. We go for the children.

highkickindandy · 13/06/2015 20:45

but is your daughter enjoying it? Doesn't sound like it if they can't accommodate her needs. She can spend other time with them surely even if it's not on holiday.
There is someone selfish in the picture you're giving........not so sure it's you though

AlpacaMyBags · 13/06/2015 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 13/06/2015 20:49

He's selfish for not considering your feelings.

He's got his own immediate family now. Relying on his parents for holidays....how many years will that go on for.

I would rather stick pins in my eyes than spend a whole week with mil. A couple of nights fine.

sleeponeday · 13/06/2015 21:06

He said I was being selfish and he would take dd without me if I refused to go.

Um, wow. So very many things wrong with that statement.

As the MN mantra goes, "you don't have an in-law problem, you have a DH problem."

redskybynight · 13/06/2015 21:08

It actually sounds like DH and DD going without you is pretty good solution if you really hate the holidays that much. Then either DH will either understand why you dislike them, or he'll be able to sort out some ground rules with his parents.

or could you suggest not going for so long (maybe long weekend) to make it more tolerable?

mynewpassion · 13/06/2015 21:52

Let them go off on their own with the ILs. A week's holiday on your own might sound very nice.

viva100 · 13/06/2015 22:01

As always on these threads you have two problems: a DH who doesn't put his own family first and your inability to stand up for yourself. You're her mother, you should stand up for her. Stop being a pushover. And I doubt being around awful people is any good for your DD.

littlefrenchonion · 13/06/2015 23:00

Yes, we've been in this situation.

Last holiday was 5 years ago, and we said never again. It's all well and good being 'grateful' but it's quite hard to muster when you've been sat in a hot car with useless air con for hours in Spanish heat with your IL's who can't decide where to go or what to do. Or when you've realised MIL is ignoring you and shooting you evils, to be told you've pissed her off for 'taking a nap upstairs without asking anyone first'...!

We declined subsequent offers of holiday and after a few years they took the hint.

We may have undone the understanding by stupidly agreeing to one this summer... kill me now

HellRunner · 13/06/2015 23:07

err both you and your DH need to grow a pair and start looking out for your child!!!! You are behaving like the children here afraid to say no to DHs parents.

Raveismyera · 13/06/2015 23:07

Yanbu. Paying for something for the family can be lovely and generous or it can be controlling. In my ILs case it's the latter and might be for OP too.

Plus a holiday you don't enjoy is no fun anyway and you've wasted your annual leave

1Morewineplease · 13/06/2015 23:16

Oh I so feel for you.. Please try to be a bit assertive if you can though I can appreciate how difficult it must be but you must get your partner on board with this... You are not having a holiday if your little one is always tired and miserable!!!! Oh I do hope you can resolve this and to be sure your little one won't be as tired next year but if there's to be another little one then it's all going to happen agin! Please find the courage and start by telling your partner about how miserable you and little one are... Good luck and best wishes!

404usernamenotfound · 13/06/2015 23:27

I put up with this for years, big family holidays with the inlaws, a sil I didn't really like and a selfish arse of a bil I detested. Like you I was torn, it was the only holiday my child got so I felt selfish and ungrateful for thinking that way. I'd be bullied into doing what they wanted, going to where they wanted to go and if I said "actually no in going to x place" they would take my child with them.

Every holiday dh and I argued without fail and it was usually over something one of them had done and his inability to stand up for us. I'd spend a week seething. In the end I concluded we needed to be a family ourselves and make our own memories. Funnily enough our holidays with just the three of us are wonderfully peaceful.

Free holidays are great when they don't come with conditions I find. yANBU

Fairenuff · 13/06/2015 23:55

He said I was being selfish and he would take dd without me if I refused to go.

It's time to take a stand then isn't it.

What are your options?

  1. Don't go, let him take her cope with her 24 hours a day
  2. Refuse to allow him to take her out of the country (put her passport somewhere safe)
  3. Have a serious discussion with him about having some time to yourselves during the holiday and allowing your dd to rest
  4. Ltb
Fatmomma99 · 14/06/2015 00:13

OOO... so much here. I had a deeply controlling dad (now dead, miss him every day). Very generous. Everything came with conditions.

A free holiday is FAB. I can understand why that's hard to walk away from, esp if your DH loves and values it.

HOWEVER, you should be setting the tone for your DD, because she is why you're all there.
Your DH should support you.
And - sorry - but you need to grow a pair and put your foot down. This isn't you being selfish "sorry, not going out for dinner cos I want to go to a disco, dance myself stupid, take drugs and pull" it's "DD needs a nap". So please do be more assertive, or don't go. Invest in a tent and have a cheap holiday which YOU control and can enjoy.

(but I love camping).

Good luck, and YNBU, but please do grow a pair!

kimistayingalive · 14/06/2015 00:45

Try living with them too so you can't even get a holiday for a break.

I feel bad that I feel this way sometimes but because I don't have a separate house I spend a good chunk of my time upstairs or out as I feel claustrophobic or wound up. And now there's been talk of a holiday that she'll (dmil) pay for. As much as I am grateful for a lot of the help she gives and get wound up for the butting in she occasionally does I feel bad that I want a holiday without her to get a bit of breathing space.

It sounds like you need to write down the issues then calmly discuss them with dh to find some resolution. And ground rules are a must.

Canyouforgiveher · 14/06/2015 01:01

I don't get the concept that you should be grateful for a holiday because it is free - even if you didn't want it. There are holidays you couldn't pay me to go on, still less make me feel grateful for getting for free (and holiday with the OP's in laws sound like one of those).

If not going isn't an option - and your dh certainly has made it clear where his priorities lie by saying he will go without you, then you need to stand up for yourself. Or, when your dd is crying/cranky, hand her to your dh and tell him to deal with it.

Alternatively, maybe one year you may suddenly need to go and mind your own mum during the holiday week and he can bring your daughter by himself. Dealing with a crankly small one without you might change his mind about these holidays.

SinisterBunnyMonth · 14/06/2015 01:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kapai · 14/06/2015 02:21

I get this and it's infuriating. My P's and IL's dick with my system THEN look at me disapprovingly when DD 'misbehaves'.

Now I am just very, very firm but try to remember that they actually have terrible child care skills. My mother one held up a truly exhausted baby up in front of me and said 'you can't tell me she is tired' as DD was at that hyped stage before meltdown.

If you have the first DGC it is much harder. Lucky for me, my SIL broke my parents in.

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